Only Three Months to Live

by Victor Thomas

Chapter 11

Weird things were happening at school. No one had ever paid much attention to me, but now they did. Leif was the talk of the school. Everyone knew he was dying. I the short time he attended CHS he and made lots of friends. He had been kind to everyone. I was his boyfriend and that was no secret anymore either. Kids I didn't even know patted me on the shoulder and said things like, "hang in there." Girls even hugged me.

I wasn't accustomed to the attention. I think I would have hated it because it reminded me that Leif didn't have much time left, but no matter how hard I tried, I could never forget that for a moment. The attention was comforting. I was glad that others cared.

I was often asked for updated on his condition and I answered truthfully. Taryn, Keaton, Paula, and David received similar attention, but to a lesser degree. I was Leif's boyfriend, so I was the most intimately connected to him. I told him all about it and it made him smile. I think it comforted him to know he was not forgotten.

My days were terrible and wonderful. They were terrible because he was growing weaker and the end was ever nearer. They were wonderful because I still had him and was allowed to spend lots of time with him, even alone time, if you know what I mean. I'm sure his parents knew, or at least suspected, what we got up to when his door was closed and locked, but they did nothing to discourage it.

Him and I took our last walk on November 19 ^th . We only made it half a block before we had to turn back and Ryland had to help me get him up the stairs. After that, he didn't get out of bed except to go to the bathroom or bathe. He was too weak to do much of anything.

Thanksgiving arrived and I didn't much care, except that I was glad he made it that far. He kept tutoring Taryn and me until the 24 ^th , when it became obvious that it was tiring for him. Taryn cried when we bid Leif goodbye that evening because he knew he would likely never see him again.

Taryn, Paula, David, and Keaton helped me get through the terrible days, but my family did even more so. I often came home crying after visiting him and mom, Anthony, and Chad comforted me and listened to me babble. Even dad began spending less and less time working and more and more time at home. I think he hugged me more in those days than he had in my entire life.

Leif couldn't get out of bed, so when I visited him, we talked, and lay together in his bed, propped up with pillows and watched movies. We mostly watched Christmas movies, naturally, and he usually fell asleep before the end. Most movies we watched only once, but I think we watched A Charlie Brown Christmas six times. That was his favorite.

I didn't leave when he fell asleep because he would often awake again and smile at me. Then, I would hold him close and we'd talk about the time we had spent together and especially about our visit to Halloween World , the Granger Christmas party, and our Christmas. We couldn't go to the Hornet's Nest or the Chouteau Café or any of the placed we had loved. So, we talked about them and remembered. Doing so was almost like being there.

Paula, David, Keaton, and even Taryn kept in touch with him through facetime. Taryn didn't have a computer or internet, but whenever Paula called, he was usually with her. I was often with Leif and we talked and laughed with them together. It was almost like old times.

I was eating lunch I the cafeteria with my friends when 'Owen Cramer, please report to the principal's office,' came over the loud speakers. My face went pale and my entire table stepped talking. Taryn took my hand and squeezed if for a moment.

"We'll dump your tray," Paula said.

I think the entire cafeteria watched me as I stood up and walked to the exit. I could feel their eyes on me, but I didn't care. I was barely aware of them. Tears were already beginning to well in my eyes. Maybe it wasn't what I thought. Maybe I was in trouble instead. I had never before wished to be in trouble, but I did then with all my might.

Please let me be in trouble. Don't let it be that.

My face grew still paler as I reached the office and spotted mom. My lower lip trembled and I began to cry. She hugged me.

"We need to go now if you want to see Leif."

He wasn't dead then, not yet. That was something. I tried and failed to still my tears as he led me to the car. I focused on calming myself. I didn't want to be a mess when Leif saw me. I managed to stop crying and by the time we arrived, I was ready.

I felt like it took forever for anyone to answer the door, but it was probably only a couple of minutes before Ryland let us in. His eyes were red and he didn't speak as he led us upstairs. Leif's parents were seated in chairs near his bed and Grayson sat on the bed itself, holding Leif's hand. The hospice nurse who I had seen on my last visit stood unobtrusively to the side.

My mom took Ms. Ulbrich's hands and held them. She understood in a way only a mother could.

Grayson moved around to the other side of the bed so I could have his place. Leif was very still and paler than I had ever seen him. His eyes were slightly unfocused as they sometimes had been since he had started taking the pain meds, but they focused on me when I took his hand.

"Owen," he said, weakly.

"I'm here."

"You'll do anything to get out of school, won't you?"

He made me smile. I actually laughed.

"I like school now because of you."

I wasn't sure, but I might have heard my mom gasp slightly. She was going to be very surprised by my next report card.

"I want you to eat sinful French toast at the Chouteau Café for me, and have a caramel sundae for me at the Hornet's Nest , okay? And, I want you to do all the stuff I'll never get to do. You have to live for both of us now."

"I will," I said, trying and failing to keep my tears at bay.

I sobbed, despite my best efforts, but wiped away the tears and focused on him.

His mind seemed to wonder for a moment, but then he focused on me again.

"Taryn. He likes you… more than you know. I think you should give him a chance. He has a great heart and I don't want you to be alone. Promise me you'll give him a chance."

"I will," I said. "I love you, Leif."

"I know, and I love you." He squeezed my hand slightly. "Don't be too sad, Owen, and tell our friends not to be too sad either. I want you all to be happy. Remember the good times and make new ones."

"I will," I said, crying. Everyone had drawn close around his bed and I wasn't the only one sobbing. "I'll love you forever, Leif."

I kissed him upon the lips.

"Goodbye, Owen." His voice was now little more than a whisper. "Goodbye everyone. I love you all."

He sighed as if with great relief and then he died. I began crying hard as his dad reached over and closed his eyes. I turned to my mom and she hugged me close. We all clung to each other for the longest time.

I took one last look at Leif and then mom and I departed. His mom walked us to the door. My mom hugged her, then held her hands within her own for a moment again. Ms. Ulbrich smiled at me sadly and then I hugged her too.

"I… I need to be alone for a while," I said when we reached the car. "I'm going to take a walk if you don't mind."

"Are you sure, Owen?"

"Yes. I'll be home for supper."

"Okay, Owen. I love you."

"I love you too, mom."

She gave me a look of compassion such as I had never seen on her face before, then nothing this bad had ever happened before. She slipped into the car and drove away.

I stood looking at Leif's house for a moment. I would never enter that door again to visit him. I would never study with him in his room. There were so many things I would never do again because he was gone forever.

I turned and walked down the sidewalk, tears still flowing down my cheeks. I knew this moment would come. I knew it since the day he told me he was dying and gave me the opportunity to walk away. Even now, on this worst day of my entire life, I did not regret my decision. I would make the same decision a million times over.

I felt a mix of emotions. Grief was among them, certainly, as well as deep sadness, loss, fear, and oddly happiness. The last came from my memories of Leif and the knowledge that his pain was over. Our relationship had lasted only weeks and yet I felt like we had been together forever. I did not feel the slightest desire to commit suicide. He had taught me the value of life. To end my life now would be to betray him. I wanted to live and I had promised to live for both of us. I hadn't thought of the implications of that when I promised, but I had committed myself. He was dead and yet I could carry him with me forever.

I wanted him back. Until that last moment, I had clung to a foolish hope that he would somehow be okay. I knew it was a vain hope and so I'd hidden it even from myself. But it was there. Now, that hope was gone and I had to face his death and my life without him.

I don't know how long I walked, but I walked for a long time. I eventually made my way to the park and sat on the very same bench Leif and I had sat upon not so long ago.

My stomach rumbled and I remembered only then I had barely started my lunch when I was called to the office. I remembered the promise I had made to him. I walked back toward the other end of town to the Hornet's Nest and ordered a caramel sundae. I sat in the very booth where I had sat with him before. I could almost see him there. I felt as if he was with me, and perhaps he was.

My heart ached, but I found some comfort thinking about my boyfriend. He had taught me so much and I would never forget how he had saved my life.

I checked the time as I finished my sundae. School was letting out soon. I departed and sat out to meet my friends on the route I knew they would follow.

I dreaded meeting them and yet I couldn't wait. I didn't know how I would tell them Leif had died. They knew or guessed I was called to the office because of him, but for all they knew he was still alive.

My steps faltered when I spotted my friends approaching. They had not noticed me yet, but they would soon. I did not want to give them the news. It would be so much easier if Leif was here. I knew the thought was illogical, but he had a way of making everything okay. My lips began to tremble when Paula spotted me. She nudged the others and we walked toward each other. Their eyes searched mine and I began to cry.

I felt many arms around me and we all hugged and cried. I had not said a word, but they knew. He was gone.

It was quite a while before any of us spoke. My sobs eventually quieted and I stepped back.

"I was with him when he died. He told me not to be too sad and said to tell all of you not to be too sad either, but to remember the good times and make new ones. He wanted us all to be happy."

"Leif always thought of everyone else first," David said.

"He sure did and he had a way about him that made him instantly feel like a friend. Everyone has always been afraid of me or hated me, but not him. He stepped right hp to me and invited me into his life," Taryn said.

I tried not to cry, but the tears came again. This time, Taryn hugged me close and held me. I made everyone else cry again too, but I couldn't help it.

"I'm sorry," I said, wiping my eyes when I once more had myself under control.

"There is no need to apologize to us. You cry all you want. I feel like I could cry forever and I know this is a thousand times harder for you," Paula said.

"It's just so hard because I loved him so much and he was so incredible. If he hadn't died, I would have gladly spent my life with him."

"Pain is the price we pay for love," Taryn said. I gazed up at him. "Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth said that."

He continued to amaze me.

"Leif said he would watch over me. His very last words were 'I love you all' and I know that meant all of you. When he died, he sighed as with relief. I don't know where he went, but he was ready to go." I shivered. "I'm getting cold."

"We should all go home," Keaton, who had spoken little because he was so choked up, said.

We silently walked on. One by one, my friends went their own way, until it was only Taryn and me. It wasn't until then that I noticed he was holding my hand. I squeezed it and he smiled at me.

We walked slowly to my house. Along the streets the houses were all blazing with Christmas lights. I was glad Leif was able to see them before he died. I was thankful for every experience we had together.

"If you need me for anything, you know where I live," he said.

"Thank you, Taryn."

We hugged and then I walked toward the house. I didn't look back, but I could feel him watching me.

I was surprised when dad stepped into the living room as I opened the front door. He took one look at me and I burst into tears all over again. I rushed to him and he took me in his arms and held me tight.

"I know. It hurts. I wish I could take your pain away. I wish I could say something to make it better, but I know I can't."

He kept holding me as if he would do so forever. I couldn't remember the last time my dad had held me like that.

When I finally released him, he took my face in his hands and kissed me on the forehead.

"Come on. Your mother has supper almost ready. She fried chicken."

I nodded. I didn't feel like eating, but doing so would distract me. I was overwhelmed with grief and had no idea how I could stand it.

Chad ran straight to me and hugged me the moment we entered the kitchen. He didn't speak, but I could see tears in his eyes. Mom hugged me too and so did Anthony as soon as he arrived.

We all sat down and ate fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and green beans. It was a better meal than we were accustomed to eating and I knew mom had fixed it for me.

"Leif's dad called. He said there would not be a funeral because Leif didn't want that. There will be a visitation on Friday and burial on Saturday," mom said.

I nodded.

"We will take you," dad said.

"I think I want to go to the visitation with my friends, if that's okay," I said.

"Anything you want is okay, Owen. We're all here for you," dad said.

"That's right, squirt," Anthony said, causing me to smile for just a moment.

"Yeah," Chad said.

"Thank you."

We didn't talk much. What was there to say? I'm sure my family didn't want to stir up my grief, and talking about other things almost seemed wrong. Being surrounded by my friends comforted me, especially with dad here. He was rarely home for supper. I had no doubt he had come home for me. I even noticed mom and dad exchanging a look of worry, but then smiling for a moment. It gave me hope.

After supper, which included chocolate chip cookies that reminded me of those Leif's mom made, I went upstairs to my room. I sat on the bed and gazed at a photo of Leif and me. we were wearing Santa hats and grinning like idiots. He was so beautiful!

Anthony appeared in the doorway, but paused.

"If you want to be alone, I can get lost," he said.

"No, I don't think I want to be alone right now."

I showed him the photo.

"What a couple of buffoons," he said, grinning.

"Yeah. Paula took this at the Granger Christmas party."

"Leif was amazing," he said.

"Yeah, he sure was. He saved my life," I said.

"I'm glad he did."

"Me too. I can't believe I thought you hated me."

"That was partly my fault. Since dad wasn't around much, I was trying to be a dad. I'm not that experienced."

"I know you were only trying to look out for me. I was wrong about a lot of things."

"I love you," he said.

"I know, and I love you, too. You actually make a pretty good dad."

"Dad had been around a lot more recently. Maybe I can be more of a big brother."

"Do you think things will be okay between mom and dad?"

"I don't know. I hope so, but even if they get divorced, they still love us, and we still have each other. Owen… you aren't thinking about doing anything foolish, are you? You're not thinking about killing yourself?"

"No. when I met Leif, he already knew he was dying. I thought I had problems, but mine were nothing compared to his. I thought he had a perfect life, but he was living with the knowledge that he was going to die soon. From how he acted, you would think he didn't have a care in the world. He found joy in everything. He loved everyone and saw the best in everyone. I thought Taryn was a bully and nothing more, but Leif saw past that. He did all that when he knew he didn't have much time left. He taught me that every moment of life is precious. He taught me to seek happiness even in the worst of times. I feel like I want to die right now, but I know I don't want to die. I want to live because life is so incredible. I promised him I'd live for him and to do the things he didn't have the chance to do. he asked me to live for us both and that's what I'm going to do."

"He was something."

"Yeah. That's why losing him hurts so much. Taryn said pain is the price we pay for love. I'm trying to remember that. I hurt so badly now because I love Leif so much. I knew this time would come. He gave me a chance to walk away the day he told me he was going to die, but I made my decision to love him and I don't regret it."

"You're something too, you know."

I shrugged.

He sat beside me and put his arm over my shoulder as we looked at my photos of Leif. I treasured them all.

A little later, I lay down and closed my eyes. I hugged my pillow and cried softly. I wanted Leif back more than anything, but I knew that wasn't going to happen. I had to find a way to go on. Oddly enough, it was the things he had taught me that helped the most.

School was difficult. My parents would have let me stay home the next day, but the thought of spending all day with nothing to do seemed like a colossally bad idea. I needed distractions and I needed to be with my friends.

I felt Leif's absence keenly as I entered CHS. He had not attended school for several days and yet it felt as if he had just now departed. Taryn helped me feel a little less alone by meeting me at my locker and walking me to my first class. Everyone knew about Leif's death now. Countless kids told me they were sorry and those who didn't looked at me with sadness. More girls hugged me than ever had before and lots of boys gripped my shoulder and gazed at me with compassion.

Lunch was especially hard. I felt like the entire cafeteria was looking at me as I walked with my tray of Salisbury steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, and a roll toward my friends. That didn't bother me. What bothered me was the empty seat next to where I sat. Since the day Leif left, no one had sat in his accustomed place.

"Hey, Owen," David said as I sat down. "We weren't sure you'd be here today."

"Mom and dad offered to let me stay home, but that would have given me too much time to think."

My friends nodded. They understood.

We ate and talked about our upcoming Christmas vacation. It was almost a normal day except for the empty seat beside me and the yawing gulf of grief and despair that threatened to pull me in.

I felt like crying. I knew my friends would understand, but I didn't want to cry anymore. I'd cried more since Leif's death than I had in my entire life. Still, tears welled up in my eyes.

Taryn stood up with his tray. I thought for a moment he was leaving and wondered why, but he walked around the table and sat down beside me where Leif always sat. Paula, David, and Keaton looked fearful, as if afraid I would explode because Taryn sat in Leif's place.

"I think this seat had been empty for too long," he said. "Leaving it empty won't bring him back. Leif wanted us to go on and live our lives, not to remain stuck in the past."

I smiled at him sadly.

"You're right. We won't forget Leif because you sit in his chair. This day has been rough. Everyone has been kind, but I'm tired of hearing everyone say, 'I'm sorry for your loss.'"

"I know what you mean and I'm sure I haven't heard it as often as you," David said. "I know everyone means it and they don't know what else to say, but it sounds fake."

"What I really hate is everyone talking about him passing. I keep hearing 'I'm so sorry Leif passed.' What does that even mean? He didn't pass! He died! He's dead! Why can't they just say that?" I asked.

I did exactly what I didn't want to do. I began crying. Taryn put his arm over my shoulder and held me close.

I calmed down soon. I was embarrassed. A lot of kids were looking at me now.

"I'm sorry. I'm not even angry. I'm just… I don't know. I just miss him so much."

I didn't cry anymore, but I felt so profoundly sad it was as if my grief would consume me.

"We all do," Keaton said. "Not as much as you, I'm sure, but we all miss him."

I nodded.

"I'm glad you're here with me."

"One of the wonderful things Leif left us is each other," Paula said.

I actually smiled for a moment. She was right."

My family and friends surrounded me as I walked toward the Bath Funeral Home . They were all there; mom, dad, Anthony, Chad, Taryn, Paula, David, and Keaton. I had wanted to come with my friends, but having my family also with me was better. We entered and each signed the guest book. I hesitated to enter the next room where Leif lay in his casket, but Taryn took my hand. I turned to him and he nodded.

Him and I led the way in with hands clasped. There were flowers everywhere and lots and lots of people, including tons of kids from school. A lot of the girls and a few boys had tears in their eyes. Leif had made a lot of friends during his short time in Chouteau.

We approached the shiny silver casket with a large spray of roses on top. I wasn't sure I could handle this. I had viewed bodies in caskets before and they never looked as they did in life.

Taryn released my hand and put his arm around my waist. He knew how difficult this was for me. I took a deep breath of the floral scented air and we stepped forward.

Leif was beautiful, as beautiful as he was in life. He looked the same as he had the day I'd met him. It was as if he had been healed and was about to sit up and smile at me.

He was wearing a purple polo shirt I had seen him in many times before. His comfy old quilt was spread out over him as if he was in bed and not a casket. I knew he would like that. Tears came to my eyes when I noticed the bear he hugged to his chest. It was my bear; the bear I had made for him for Christmas. Now, it would remain with him always.

I gazed down at him, thinking about all we had shared. This boy had saved my life. Twice. He had changed my life after he saved me and in so doing had saved me again. I was not the boy I had been on the evening so long ago when he kept me from ending my existence.

"Thank you. I love you, Leif," I said quietly and turned away.

His mom was standing nearby. There were tears in her eyes as she hugged me. We didn't speak. We just hugged each other. His dad hugged me as well, and so did Ryland and Grayson.

My mom, whose eyes were also filled with tears, hugged Leif's mom. His death was the worst thing that had ever happened to me in my entire life, but I knew others were hurting too. Leif never met anyone he didn't consider a friend.

We only stayed for half an hour. There really wasn't a reason to stay longer. This was not a pleasant event in my life and I didn't want to remain there, and yet… a part of me didn't want to leave him. I knew it wasn't him in that casket. That was only his body. The Leif I loved wasn't there. I took one last look at his casket and then departed.

Outside, Taryn hugged me close.

"Thank you. I'm not sure I could have handled that without you."

"Anytime," he said, blushing.

The burial was the next day. I was a pallbearer, along with Leif's dad, Ryland, Taryn, David, and Keaton. I could see why it required six of us because the casket was heavy.

I expected his dad and brothers to wear suits and ties, as they had at the visitation. Instead, they wore nice, but normal clothes. I was relieved and I was sure Taryn was too. Neither of us owned a suit.

There was no service because he didn't believe in that. I was glad. The last thing I wanted was to listen to a preacher go on about things that might or might not be true. Instead, we all stood together and held hands while Leif's casket was slowly lowered into the ground.

I didn't feel as I had at the visitation. I didn't feel like he was being lowered into the ground. It wasn't him in that casket. During the night, I had remembered what he had told me once; that the body was only important when one was alive. After death it was no more significant than an empty cookie bag or empty coke bottle. Wherever he was, he was not in that hole in the ground. I would come here to visit him and talk to him perhaps, but his grave was only a focal point. He wasn't here.

My family, Taryn, Keaton, David, and Paula all traveled to Leif's house at the family's request after the burial. Mom had baked cookies and Paula had baked an apple pie. People were coming and going, and eating. There was lots and lots of food made by family and friends. Chad and Grayson hung out together, as did Anthony and Ryland. I stuck mostly with my friends and played with Elf, who was excited to have so many visitors. I wondered what Elf thought about Leif's absence.

Mom informed me that Leif's mother had asked that Taryn and I stay after everyone departed. I wasn't sure why, but I would do anything his mom wanted.

It felt odd being in his home with him gone. He hadn't lived here all that long, but he had slept here, studied here, showered, and ate here. Him and I had made love here for the first time in both our lives. Now I was here, but he was not.

People slowly departed until only his family, Taryn, and I remained. Ms. Ulbrich took us upstairs to Leif's room. I hesitated before I entered. The last time I had been in that room was the day he had died.

I stepped in. I thought that perhaps his family would leave it just as it was as a sort of memorial, but already a lot of things had been boxed up. The shelves were empty and the bed filled with boxes.

"Owen, Leif wanted you to have all his books, movies, his TV, and DVD player. He especially wanted you to have these. These were his very favorite books and movies," she said, handing me a heavy box.

"I… don't know what to say. I… thank you."

She smiled and turned to Taryn.

"Leif wanted you to have all his clothes, Taryn. You're about the same size. He also wanted you to have his game system, all his games, and the TV he played games on."

"Oh, I… don't want to take his stuff. I wasn't his friend to…"

"I know that, Taryn, and so did he. He really wanted you to have these things. He left things for Paula, David, and Keaton too. He wanted others to enjoy what he had enjoyed. Also, Taryn, he told us how much you love football and how much you'd like to play. He wanted you to try out for the team next fall and asked that we pay for your uniform and whatever expenses come with being on the team all through the rest of high school."

"Oh… that's… but…"

"No buts. It's what he wanted."

"Thank you!" he said.

"What about Ryland and Grayson?" I asked.

"He left things for them too. Don't worry. You aren't taking anything away from anyone."

"Thank you."

"Leif valued all his friends, but you two most of all. It made him happy to leave things to you, just as it made him happy when he was alive."

"Leif changed my life," Taryn said. "I have friends now because of him."

"He did the same for me. He saved my life. I never met anyone like him before, and I don't think I ever will again," I said.

She hugged us both again, then called Leif's dad and brothers to help us carry everything down to the van. Mr. Ulbrich drove us to Taryn's house, where the three of us packed box after box, and bag after bag inside to the astonishment of his family.

Next, he drove me home, where he helped me carry in box after box as well. Dad, Anthony, and Chad helped at my house, so their task was soon completed.

"Take care of yourself, Owen, and come visit us. I know Elf will especially miss you, but we all will. You're a member of the family."

"I'll visit," I said.

"Thank you for being so good to Leif."

"He was even kinder to me."

Mr. Ulbrich hugged me and departed.

I went inside and walked up to my room. Anthony was practically surrounded by boxes.

"What's in all the boxes?" Chad asked as he entered.

"Leif's book and movie collection," I said.

"You mean all his movies? He had tons!"

"Yes, all of them."

"Can Anthony and I watch them too?" he asked.

"Of course you can. I think we'll keep them and the TV and DVD player in the living room so you can watch them whenever you want," I said.

"It was nice of Leif to leave you all this."

"Yes, it was, but I'd rather have him back."

"Me too," Chad said and I knew he meant it.

"Help me carry the DVDs downstairs and I'll set up the player so you can watch them."

"Deal!"

"Are you going to help us, Anthony?" I asked.

"Of course. You two are too puny for the job."

Chad growled.

I grinned to see him so excited. It was like Christmas for him. We had not had a DVD player recently, since our last one broke, and we'd never owned movies, except for a few we picked up at yard sales.

Anthony and I set up everything for Chad and then departed. I didn't feel like watching movies. I didn't feel like doing anything. I felt oddly emotionless and I think maybe that was worse than grief. Leif's visitation and burial were over. I was glad, and yet everything felt so final now. Before he was buried, a part of me felt like I could run over to his house and see him. I don' t know why. He wasn't there, but I guess feelings don't have to make sense. Now, he was truly gone and I didn't know if I could survive without him.

Christmas hurtled toward me. When I was a kid, Christmas seemed to take forever to arrive, but now I felt as if it was a freight train barreling toward me as I stood frozen on the tracks. Christmas had already come and gone in November as far as I was concerned. It seemed wrong to celebrate it without Leif.

I wasn't enthusiastic about putting up the tree or decorating. We had never had much money for gifts, but I had always been excited to buy presents for others before. This year I wasn't much into it. I wasn't a scrooge, but I just didn't feel the spirit of the season.

The one bright spot of those weeks immediately after Leif's death was Taryn. My former bully was my best friend. Paula, David, and Keaton were there for me as well, but he was the one who helped the most. We studied together and spent most of our free time together. It was him who dragged me out to sled when I was in too big of a funk to want to go. It was him who could make me smile and even laugh now and then. He made that otherwise unbearable time bearable.

Christmas came whether I wanted it or not. It appeared without me eagerly anticipating it. It arrived without me watching Christmas movies or specials. It happened without me even wanting it to come. I was a little excited to watch my family open the meager gifts I could afford for them. Chad was especially thrilled. I think the kid would be excited over socks and underwear if they were wrapped up as a present. I began to feel a little of the holiday spirit, but it was not until mom pulled out a gift I hadn't seen before that my mood truly changed. Everyone watched me.

"This is from Leif. His mom brought it over yesterday while you were gone. He left this for you to open on Christmas."

The box was neatly wrapped in red paper with green ribbon and a bow. I opened it and pulled out a teddy bear, like and yet unlike the one I had made for Leif. There was also a Christmas card with teddy bears cuddling on the front.

Inside it read, ' I wanted you to have a bear, too. I stole your idea and made this myself. Keaton's grandmother came to my house to help me. I hope you like him. I know he's not perfect, but I worked hard on him. I know Christmas is probably hard for you this year, but be as happy as you can. I will always love you. Merry Christmas, Owen. Hugs and kisses, Leif.'

I hugged his gift to my chest and cried. I missed him with all my heart, but my tears were as much happy as they were sad. Death had not severed my connection to Leif, just as it hadn't demised my love for him. The bear he had made for me was another connection to him. It meant much more than all the other things he had left me combined. He had put himself into this bear and every time I looked at it, I would remember him. I would keep it forever.

Epilogue

June 2019

Taryn and I placed a bouquet of daisies on Leif's grave and stood back.

"I don't know where you are, Leif, but Taryn and I have news. You know I'll always love you. You told me I had to live for both of us, so I am. Oh, by the way, we both made the honor roll if you can believe it, but we came to tell you about us. You probably already know, but Taryn and I are officially a couple now."

He took my hand and smiled at me.

"We wish you were still with us, Leif," he said. "We miss you every day. You changed everyone's life. The school counselor said that if I keep up my schoolwork, I can get a scholarship for college. No one in my family has ever gone to college. I'm going to be the first. That's thanks to you, Leif, although Owen has been helping me a lot."

"We help each other," I said, squeezing his hand.

"We love you, Leif. Owen told me how you saved his life. You saved mine too. You did it in a different way, but you saved me. I'm going to try to be more like you. I'm going to help others as you have me."

"Me too," I said. "Oh, mom and dad aren't getting a divorce. That's something else you did. When you died and they saw your family's grief, it made them realize what they had. It did me, too, although I had already started to realize it. Anthony has eased up on me now that dad is around more, but he still looks out for me. Chad is a pain in the ass at times, but I love him. Thank you for everything, Leif. I don't know what happens after we die, but I hope we can all be together again.

We gazed down on his grave for a few moments more, then Taryn turned to me and kissed me on the lips.

The End

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