Only Three Months to Live
by Victor Thomas
Chapter 10
Returning to CHS the next day was a big let down from the amazing weekend. It would have been even if Leif was present, but he wasn't and that made it much worse. This was a day I had long dreaded. I missed him even on the way to school, although we never traveled to school together. His absence truly hit when I reached my locker and he wasn't there. He would never meet me at my locker again. I sighed. School would not be the same without him.
I missed walking him to his classes, but that was nothing compared to lunch time. I sat down at my usual table with my tray of beef and noodles, corn, green beans, and a yeast roll to find everyone a bit glum.
"I wouldn't be sitting here if it wasn't for Leif," I said. "I wouldn't know any of you."
"I wouldn't be here either and I would have flunked out of several of my classes if it wasn't for him," Taryn said.
"I really miss him," Paula said.
"I know this is rough, but he's still alive and we will get to see him again," David said.
"Yeah. I think we should all text him and do facetime with him to let him know we haven't forgotten him," Keaton said.
"I don't have a phone or computer, but Owen and I will be going to his house a lot. He's going to continue to tutor us," Taryn said.
"Yes, and I'm taking his assignments to him," I said.
I closed my eyes and fought not to cry.
"This is harder than I thought and I didn't think it would be easy" I said.
"Remember that you aren't alone, Owen," Taryn said.
"That's right. We will all help each other through what is to come," Paula asked.
"There is no point in dwelling on bad things before they happen. We can't prepay grief," David said.
"What we need to focus on now is doing what we can for Leif, and what we can do for each other," Keaton said.
"You're right," I said.
"Weren't the Christmas parties incredible? You know, I've always loved Chouteau, but I love it more now. Who would have thought so many people would up their lights and decorations?" Paula asked.
"I actually saw some jocks I thought were total assholes wishing Leif a merry Christmas," I said. "I may have to rethink jocks. Leif has made me think a lot of things. I have never known anyone as good as him."
Everyone nodded his or her agreement.
"Since Owen and Taryn will see him the most, we should count on them to keep us informed. We also want to space out our facetime visits. We don't all want to hit him after school each day," David said.
"That's when Owen and I will be at his house studying anyway," Taryn said.
Our discussion of how to help Leif continued. Thinking of him caused me to think of myself less. He helped me even when he wasn't present.
My mood improved at the end of the day when Taryn met me at my locker. We immediately headed for Leif's house to study.
"I feel like it's been ages since I saw him," he said.
"I kept expecting to see him everywhere today."
"I've been a little depressed today. I can't imagine what it must be like for you."
"The worst part is that it makes me think about when he'll truly be gone, not merely from school, but… gone."
"I've been thinking about that too. I think we all have. Any time you need to talk or need a hug, I'm here for you, okay. I know we didn't exactly start out well. Okay, I'll say it. I was an asshole and I bullied you. I can't tell you how sorry I am about that, but we're friends now, and I'll do anything I can to help you."
"Thanks, Taryn. As for bullying me, I know you had your reasons."
"You are being too generous. I felt like no one like me and I felt like everyone looked down on me, but that isn't an excuse for picking on nice guys like you."
"That's the past. Right now, you're helping me just by being with me. I feel so lonely without Leif."
"We'll see him very soon." He grinned. "I know this is hard for you, but you're lucky to have such an incredible boyfriend. I wish someone felt that way about me."
"Someone will."
"I doubt it. I'm poor and have little prospect of being anything more. People look down on me for that. It doesn't exactly make me prime boyfriend material."
"You have a lot going for you, Taryn. You're handsome and freaking built. You're also kind, understanding, funny, and witty. You just have to let more people see those qualities."
"Thanks," he said.
I swear he blushed.
"Leif is awesome, but you want to know something? I didn't like him at first," I said. "I spotted him on the first day of school with his good looks and nice clothes and it was obvious he was a golden boy who probably led a charmed life. He was already popular on the first day of school. I hoped he would trip and chip one of his perfect teeth or hit his face on something and get a black eye. I figured he was a jerk and I thought his life was perfect. I was completely wrong about him."
"You really wished he'd chip a tooth," he laughed.
"Yeah, but then… well, I told you what he did. He didn't even know me, but he saved my life. He also walked right up to you when you were waiting to kick my ass."
"Yeah, I remember that day."
"Leif is about the opposite of what I thought. I had no idea what he was dealing with. Some perfect life."
"Yeah, you never know, do you."
When we reached his house, Grayson let us in. The Christmas tree in the living room sparkled with lights and inside it was still Christmas. We went directly upstairs where Leif awaited us with a plate full of cookies.
"Miss me today?" he asked.
"You mean you weren't at school?" Taryn asked.
"Funny."
"We all missed you," I said, giving him a hug.
"What are we working on today?" he asked.
"Algebra, French, and literature for sure," I said.
Taryn nodded.
"Let's get to work then."
It was as if nothing had changed and the three of us had walked home from school. I lost myself in the fantasy that everything was okay. While we were together, everything was. It was the best part of my entire day.
"I need a break. I'm going to be gone for at least fifteen minutes if anyone cares," Taryn said, standing up after we had been studying for over an hour.
He shut the door as he left.
Leif grinned and pulled me to him, kissing me. We began to make out and our hands began to roam. We kept it up until there was a knock on the door several minutes later.
"Come in," Leif said.
Taryn entered and said, "I needed that break."
Leif laughed.
We studied for a while longer, but soon I could tell Leif was getting tired so I suggested we quite for the day.
Taryn gave him a hug. I gave him a hug and a kiss. He smiled at us tiredly as we departed. We let ourselves out.
"He gets tired more quickly all the time, doesn't he?" Taryn said as we stepped outside.
"Yeah, and I think the last two days wore him out."
"Do you think we should keep asking him to help us?"
"He wants to do it. The time will come when he can't help us anymore, but you saw him today. He was eager for us to arrive. David, Paula, Keaton, and us are his connection to school and he plain likes seeing us. If you were him, you wouldn't want to be isolated, would you?"
"No. I just don't want to do anything to make him weaker."
"He will get weaker no matter what, Taryn. We can't stop what's going to…"
Tears filled my eyes and a single sob escaped from my throat. He stopped, turned to me, and took me in his arms. He held me for several long moments and it made me feel better.
"Thank you."
"Anytime."
"Thank you for getting lost for a while, too."
"Well, he is your boyfriend. I figured you guys wanted to get it on."
I laughed.
"You make it sound like we went all the way."
"Hey, I don't know what you guys do behind closed doors."
"We made out and did a little more while you were gone. Thanks."
"I'll make sure to get lost for a while each time we study. Let me know if you want me to stay gone longer."
"Today was about right. Any longer and his mom might get suspicious."
"Okay, but I'll disappear for as long as you like anytime you want. Um… I'm not asking for details, but what is it like kissing him?"
"It sounds like you're asking for details to me," I teased. "It's wonderful. It makes me feel closer to him. We hold each other close and kiss and use our tongues. It's like we're partly joined, like we're not entirely separate anymore."
"That sounds nice."
"You've never kissed anyone?"
"No."
"I'm sure you will get your chance. Leif is my first."
"That's some first. He is amazing."
"Yeah. The world needs more Leif's instead of one less."
"True. It isn't right that he has to die so young."
"No. That's one reason I don't think there is a god. If there was, horrible things like this wouldn't happen, but terrible things happen all the time."
"Yeah. I think you're right. I've never believed in god. I find the idea ridiculous."
"What do you believe in?"
"The universe. I think things just are as they are. There are physical laws that control physical actions. I don't think there is any meaning to life beyond living."
"You may be right. Do you think there is life after death?"
"I don't know. You?"
"I think there is, but it's not like going to heaven. It's like you said. Physical laws control everything. It's impossible for anything to go away. I think we change when we die. Maybe we become part of something like grass or a tree. Maybe we don't even know who we were before. I don't know how it works at all, but I think in some way, everyone and everything continues on."
"It would be more comforting to believe in heaven, but I can't," he said.
"Yeah. I know what you mean. I can't either and I'd rather believe in something real than in something someone made up."
"Me too. I've also heard that as long as you remember someone, they aren't really gone. We'll remember Leif forever, won't we?"
"Yes, we will."
He soon split off to go home and I continued on alone. I wished I could change things. I wished Leif and I could have a long life together. I wished we could be together until we both grew old. I knew my wished could not come true, but I still wished them.
Leif, his mom, and I walked toward the Chouteau Animal Shelter . Inside, his mom took a seat at a table by the window and him and I continued on to the dog area.
"I wish I could take them all home," he said when we entered the back of the shelter and several dogs began to bark.
"I wish I could take one of them home," I said.
We looked in the pens, taking time to read about each dog. Some were eager and wagged their tails, others were timid, or even a little unfriendly. I wished they could all find homes.
"Hey guys. Can I help you?"
I recognized Finneas with his beautiful long, ginger hair immediately.
"We're looking for a dog. He's mostly for me, but he will be for my whole family. I get to pick him out," Leif said.
"What are you looking for in a dog?"
"Well, I need one that isn't too active. I don't go outside much now and I spend a lot of time in bed. My family will take him out and play with him, but I need a companion for when I'm alone."
Finneas nodded.
"I think you should stick with a smaller dog. A large one won't fit on your bed well. I think we have one that might be just right for you. He belonged to an older lady who had to give him up because she couldn't care for him anymore. I promised we would find a very good home for him. His name is Elf."
"Elf?" I asked.
"Yes, his former owner loves Christmas."
Leif looked at me and grinned.
Finneas led us to a pen where a beautiful caramel and white dog stood wagging his tail. I could swear he was smiling and his eyes were fixed on Leif. He barked.
"He's a Yorkie/Maltese mix and he'd five years old," Finneas said, opening the pen door.
Leif leaned down and Elf went straight to him and licked his face.
"I love him," he said.
"He's a friendly dog, but he's never kissed me like that," Finneas said.
"Owen, go get mom and we'll see if she approves."
I nodded and walked into the shelter lobby.
"Leif found a dog. His name is Elf," I said, smiling.
We walked back into the dog area where he was petting Elf while Elf ate up the attention. As we approached, he lay on his back and wiggled with pleasure as Leif scratched his belly.
"What do you think?" he asked as Elf jumped up and once again licked his face.
"He's perfect, sweetheart."
"Come up front and we will fill out the papers," Finneas said.
She nodded.
"I'll stay here with Elf," Leif said.
Elf was happy to let me pet him, but he was already Leif's dog. He had chosen Leif as much as Leif had chosen him.
Ms. Ulbrich returned with Finneas a few minutes later.
"Can we get the contact information for the lady who gave up Elf? I want to let her know he'll have a good home," Leif asked as he looked up.
"I already have it. She left a request that his new owner be given her information. There's even an email address for her at the home."
"Great. I can email her pictures," he said, then looked at me. "Can you carry him out to the car for me?"
"Sure."
Elf let me pick him up, but looked toward Leif.
"It's alright boy. Owen is my boyfriend and my best friend."
Elf turned his head and looked at me. I was quite certain he understood.
Ms. Ulbrich tried to help him rise off the floor, but couldn't quiet manage it. Finneas leaned down and effortlessly helped him up.
"Thank you," Leif said.
We slowly walked back out to the car. Leif didn't need any help walking but he was weak enough he couldn't move too fast. It broke my heart to see him like this, but there was a grin on his face. He loved Elf.
Elf welcomed Taryn and me to Leif's room each day after school. When Taryn departed to give Leif and me some alone time, Elf remained, but lay down on his bed and closed his eyes to give us privacy while we made out and messed around.
I visited him on weekends too. I never missed a day, and his family always welcomed me. Their time with him was short, but they shared it with me. He looked a little paler and a little less like himself each time I visited. The sight tore at my heart, but I didn't let on.
"Will you take me for a walk?" he asked as I entered his room on a Sunday.
"Of course, but…"
"A short walk, otherwise you'll have to carry me back."
"I will, you know."
"Yeah, I know," he said, smiling.
He sat on the edge of his bed. I took his coat out of the closet and helped him into it, the put on his shoes before helping him up. He held onto my arm as I led him to the hallway and down the stairs. His mom met us at the bottom.
"Sweetheart. It's cold outside."
"Hence the coat," he said.
"What if you fall?"
"Owen won't let me fall. Besides, I won't break. I'm weak, not fragile."
"We won't go far," I said.
"Okay, but be back soon or I'll come after you."
"Yes, mother. Whatever you say, mother," he said.
She swatted him and he smiled.
Elf barked as we reached the door.
"We'll be right back, boy."
Elf sat down. He was one smart dog.
I led him outside and helped him down the steps. He took a deep breath.
"This is nice. I haven't been outside in days."
"Which direction?" I asked before we reached the end of the sidewalk.
"Right." We walked slowly. He smiled but he looked so tired. "Oh, I sent Edna the photo I took of you holding Elf last time. She said you are very handsome."
I smiled. Edna was the woman who had previously owned Elf. His new home and owner delighted her.
"You're very kind for sending her pictures of him."
"I thought about how I would feel if I had to give up a dog. Besides, I like talking to her by email. I mostly tell her about the adventures of Elf."
"I bet she loves that. Does she… know?"
"Yes. I told her my family will take great care of him after I'm gone. We all love him. I worry a little about how he will miss me. He has already been separated from one owner. He's use to everyone in my family, so I think he will be okay. Grayson said he will get Elf to sleep with him after I'm gone. Grayson is crazy over him. We all are."
"Yeah, me too. Someday, when I get a dog, I hope he's like Elf."
"I talked to David on facetime this morning and Keaton not long before you arrived. I talked to Paula last night. I'm lucky to have such good friends."
"I think we are the lucky ones," I said.
"I don't see how you figure that. You're all so good to me."
"Seriously? Need I remind you that when we met, I was about to jump off the back of the bleachers with a noose around my neck? Since then, I've done a total turn around at school. I might actually make the honor roll. Taryn was a sad lonely bully, and now he has completely changed. I can only imagine how you have affected Paula, David, and Keaton. Believe me, we war lucky to have you as a friend."
He blushed.
"I'm very glad you are my friends. I don't feel isolated because of you. Leaving school was hard because I've always love it so, but I still feel connected because of you. We'd better turn back."
We had only walked three blocks. A short walk now tired out the boy who once played football. It wasn't fair.
"I'm glad I met you, Owen. Without you I would have missed out on the experience of having a boyfriend."
"I don't know. I think Keaton and Taryn both have a thing for you."
He shrugged.
"They couldn't possibly be better than you. I don't think I will ever be able to express how much you mean to me or how much you help me deal with what I'm going through. The sex is pretty good too."
I grinned.
"I don't do that much. To be honest, I feel rather helpless, but you're right about the sex."
"Oh, Owen, you do so much for me. maybe someday you'll realize how much."
"Are we still talking about sex?" I teased.
"Well, that too, but I meant everything else."
By the time we made it back to his bedroom he was exhausted. I helped him undress and put him in bed. He couldn't keep his eyes open.
"I'll see you again soon. I love you," I said.
"I love you to," he whispered, and then he fell asleep.
I kissed him on the forehead and left his room.
I walked downstairs and into the kitchen to find his mom.
"I wanted to let you know we're back. Leif is in his bed asleep. That walk wore him out."
"Thank you for looking after him, Owen."
"I love him."
"I know, and he loves you too. I'm sorry you have such a short time together."
"Me too. If there is anything I can do to help, just ask. I don't have my own phone, but you can reach me at home."
"Thank you, Owen for all you do for him."
"I enjoy it."
"Here, have some cookies," she said, handing me a bag of recently baked chocolate chip cookies.
"Thank you." I grinned. "I'll see you soon. I'll let myself out."
I took out a cookie and ate it on the way home. Mom didn't make cookies too often. We weren't as poor as Taryn's family, but there wasn't much extra money even for things like cookies. That used to bother me, but if a boy like Leif didn't care, what did it matter. He treated everyone the same, rich or poor.
"How is Leif?" Anthony asked when I entered the living room.
"Not so good. He tires very easily now and he looks so thin. We took a walk but he could only go three blocks up the street and back. It wiped him out."
"I'm sorry." I fought back tears. He sat up and hugged me. "You need anything, you let me know, okay?"
"Thank you," I said.
I sat down on the couch beside him and watched our old TV with him. Chad soon joined us. He took one look at me and hugged me to, then snuggled up against me. I shared my cookies with my brothers and appreciated them more just then than I ever had before. I was lucky to have them.
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