Only Three Months to Live
by Victor Thomas
Chapter 5
"Can we sit down on the bench for a while?" Leif asked as we walked home from school.
"What's wrong old man? Need a wheelchair?" Taryn asked, laughing.
"Shut up, Taryn!" I snapped.
His face paled.
"I'm sorry. I was just kidding around."
"Forget it. I'm a little irritable today," I lied.
I gazed at Leif. He sat down, obviously very tired. I wasn't irritable, I was worried. I sat next to him.
"Hey, a wheelchair isn't a bad idea. You could take turns pushing me everywhere, like my personal slave boys," Leif said, grinning.
"I don't think so!" Taryn laughed.
I kept looking at him. What if he was getting worse? He didn't look so good. Taryn noticed me looking at Leif, so I looked away.
"Personally, I'd like to be carried on a sedan by four super-hot, shirtless college boys with lots of muscles," I said.
"That does sound better than a wheelchair. I'll take that instead," he said.
"Nope, sorry! They are mine. Get your own college boys."
Leif grinned.
"I'll just ride on one's shoulders. Hey, do you guys think about sex a lot?" Taryn asked.
"Only once every fifteen seconds," Leif said.
"That sounds about right," I said.
"It's driving me insane," Taryn said. "I just want to…"
"Calm down there. You're about to breathe fire," Leif said.
"I feel like I could."
I didn't laugh. I knew the feeling.
"I got so hard in my math class today that I had to hide my stiffy with my book as I was leaving."
"Math really does it for you, huh?" Leif asked.
"No."
He smiled.
"That's happened to me a few times. I think it's normal," Leif said.
"Yeah," I added.
"I swear it has a mind of it's own!"
"I would laugh if that didn't make perfect sense to me," Leif said.
"You know anything I can do about it?"
I made a jerking motion with my hand.
Leif nodded and said, "it's my favorite solution."
"I already do that three or four times a day!"
"You'll just have to do it more," I said.
"I sometimes do it six times a day," Leif said.
"I once did eight," I said.
"Whoa!" Leif said.
Taryn laughed.
"Do I win?" I asked.
"Yes," Leif said.
"So far," Taryn said.
"If this is too personal forget I asked, but have you guys ever done more than kiss?" Taryn asked.
"Not much more, nothing you could call sex, but…" I said, then trailed off.
Leif wiggled his eyebrows.
"Perhaps soon."
"You shouldn't have said that. It heard you," I said, putting my backpack over my growing bulge. They laughed, but I had a problem in my pants. "Let's talk about something else or I'll never be able to stand up."
"I know. I'm still eating the cookies your mom gave me, Leif. I hid them," Taryn said.
"Mine are long gone, but they were great. In case you are wondering, Chad gave Anthony his. He said to thank your mom. I forgot to tell you."
"She does make great cookies," Leif said.
We sat and talked long enough that I had no problem standing up when we departed. I kept an eye on Leif, but he seemed mostly okay.
The three of us chatted and laughed. Taryn had become a very good friend to us both. We would have ever dreamed that would happen? I was sorry when we reached the familiar point where his path diverged from ours.
"I'll see you guys tomorrow," Taryn said.
"Later."
"Bye."
My boyfriend and I continued on. He was silent and I wondered if he was angry with me.
"I'm sorry about blowing up at Taryn. I know that's not a good way to keep your secret. I was so angry I didn't think."
"He didn't mean anything."
"I know. Are you okay?
"I get tired more easily now. The doctor said that would happen."
"So, you're getting worse?"
"Yeah, but I'm okay. Other than getting tired I feel good, so don't look so sad."
"Sorry. I can't help it."
"You're very sweet," he said.
"I love you."
"I love you, too."
We kissed briefly and then walked on.
"You want to come to my house for a while?" I asked.
"I have a lot of homework and I also need to rest."
I nodded.
"If I was you, I don't think I'd do any homework. I mean, it's not as if…" I trailed off, realizing that I was being a colossal idiot.
"It matters," he finished. "I suppose my grades don't matter now, but I've always done well in school and I want to keep that up to the end, if that makes any sense to you. Besides, I have to keep up my studies because I have two incredible guys I'm tutoring."
Don't cry, don't cry, I repeated in my mind. The last thing I wanted to do was cry and make him feel bad.
"Sorry. I have a true talent for saying the wrong thing."
"No. You have a talent for saying the right thing. I don't want you to ignore the fact I don't have much time left. I want it to be right out there in the open between us. My family doesn't want to talk about it, especially my extended family. My grandmother and my aunt pretend nothing is wrong while at the same time being extra nice and babying me. With you, I can be me. I'm going to die soon. I accept that. I don't want to spend the time I have left being babied.
"Let me know when I'm doing the wrong thing. I want to help you and be there for you, but I really don't know what I'm doing."
"You're doing fine. I'm sure I'll need you to help me in the future, especially to keep my illness hidden as long as I can. I don't want to be pitied or treated like I'm made of glass. I also don't want everyone staring at me."
"I have news for you; everyone already stares at you. You're too beautiful to ignore."
He blushed.
"Stop it."
"If I begin to treat you like you're made of glass, feel free to smack me."
He smiled.
"I don't deserve someone as wonderful as you."
"Me? I'm not wonderful. I'm a mess, at least i was a mess before you came and saved me. You're my angel."
"Soon anyway."
I laughed, but then frowned.
"I'm sorry. I feel so bad for laughing at that."
"Don't," he said, gazing into my eyes.
"I'll walk you home," I said.
"Thanks."
He took my hand and we held hands all the way to his door. It was several blocks, but we didn't speak until we reached his front porch.
"I'll see you tomorrow," I said.
"Yes, tomorrow."
Hi and I kissed and then I watched him go inside.
My lip trembled as I turned and walked away. I allowed myself to cry for a few minutes. The coming weeks were going to be really hard and I was going to have to be stronger than I had ever been before. I wasn't sure I could do it, but I had no choice because I was determined to be there for Leif. I had no idea how I could survive without him when he was gone. That perhaps was the hardest part. He helped me in so many ways. He even helped me deal with his illness. When he was gone, I wouldn't have that. I would be alone and I didn't think I could stand it.
I took a deep breath and wiped away my tears. There was no point in thinking about what would happen after Leif died. I would deal with that as best I could when the time came. Until then, he was still with me and I wasn't about to waste a moment of the time we had.
I entered the familiar front door and went upstairs. Anthony was predictably working out shirtless, but he took one look at me and put his dumbbells down.
"Have you been crying?" I shrugged. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah," I lied.
"Has someone been picking on you?"
"No."
"What's wrong then? You look awful. Are you sick?"
"I'm not sick and I can't tell you what…"
I lost it. I began crying. I tried to hold it back, but I couldn't. when he put his arms around me, I bawled like I hadn't in years. He held me tighter.
"What's wrong? Please tell me."
I cried harder. Anthony kept holding me. Then, when I quieted, he grasped my shoulders and held me at arm's length.
"Tell me," he said sternly.
"Leif is going to die and I can't do anything to stop it," I said, then cried more.
His face went pale and then he held me again until my sobs quieted. He handed me a tissue when he released me. I blew my nose.
"Leif is going to die?" he asked.
I closed our bedroom door, then sat on my bed. He sat close beside me.
"I'm not supposed to tell anyone and you can't tell anyone either. He has a brain tumor. It's already advanced so far that nothing can be done about it. He's going to die."
"Soon?"
I nodded.
"He has a handful of weeks at most. Until today, I couldn't tell anything was wrong with him, but walking home from school he had to stop and rest. He's getting weaker. It's the beginning of the end."
I fought hard to keep my tears at bay.
"How long have you known?"
"Since before our first kiss. I made a move to kiss him and he stopped me. He told me what was wrong with him and said I needed to decide if I wanted to get closer to him or walk away."
"Oh, Owen. Maybe you should have walked away. This is going to be so very hard for you."
"Would you have walked away?"
"I don't know."
"I couldn't. I already cared about him. He had already been so good to me, and… he saved my life."
"How?"
"Don't tell anyone this either, please. He stopped me from killing myself."
He looked frightened.
"Owen…"
"It's okay. He stopped me and I don't want to kill myself anymore. I was wrong about so many things."
"Owen, if you ever feel like killing yourself again, promise me you'll come to me. I'll help you. Promise me, please. I love you."
"I promise. I love you too. You don't have to worry. I wouldn't dream of doing it now."
We hugged again for a few moments. Anthony really did love me. I felt like a fool now for thinking of him as a bully.
"You see why I couldn't walk away. Even if he hadn't saved my life, I still couldn't. I already cared about him and I would never hurt him by leaving him. I'm in this until the end.
"Oh, Owen, no one so young should have to deal with something like this."
"No one so young should have to die."
"What do you want me to do?"
"Tell no one. I shouldn't have told you, but I couldn't keep it inside me anymore. Leif doesn't want anyone to know until he can't hide it any longer."
"His family knows?"
"Yes. That's why his father retired from the navy early and they moved here. Their family all live here. They know."
"Whatever you need, little brother, to talk or whatever, come to me. I'll help you as much as I can."
"Thanks. I have no idea how I will get through this."
"You'll get through it with me standing beside you. Mom and dad really should know too."
"I know, but not yet, not until Leif says it's okay."
He nodded.
"You sure don't do things the easy way, do you, little brother."
"I think Leif and I are meant to be together. He saved my life and he's changed my life so much I want to live. I can't save him, but I can be by his side until the very end. I'm trying to be the best boyfriend I can and make things as good for him as I can manage. I'm not doing it because I feel I owe him, even though I do owe him, I'm doing it because I love him."
"You have become one amazing little brother. I'm very proud of you."
"Thanks."
"You had better wash your face or everyone will know you've been crying and start asking questions."
I nodded. We stood and he hugged me once more.
Leif, Taryn, Keaton, David, Paula, and I were all squeezed into a booth at the Hornet's Nest. Taryn and I both tried to only water, but Leif ordered us both hot fudge sundaes and would not take no for an answer. The sundae was delicious, but I liked the company of my friends even more.
Leif looked… not great, but he was as handsome as ever to me. A few more days had slipped away and he tired a little easier each day, but it wasn't too noticeable. I did my part by keeping my concerns to myself and not displaying them on my face. It wasn't easy.
"I cannot wait for Christmas," Paula said.
"It's over a month away. It's not even Thanksgiving yet," David said. "You're worse than the stores with all the Christmas stuff out."
"I can't help it. I love the music and the decorations and, oh, those Hallmark movies!"
"Oh yes, where a couple miraculously finds each other and lives happily ever after, even if they hated each other at the beginning. Aren't they all the same?" Keaton asked.
"They are not all the same and they are wonderful!"
"We believe you, Paula," Taryn said, teasing her. "Don't we guys?"
We all nodded.
"Boys!" she said in a huff, as if that explained everything.
"We have our own happy couple. Who wants to bet that Owen and Leif will wear matching sweaters this Christmas?" Keaton asked.
Everyone held up his or her hand. Leif smiled and I did to, but my smile was forced. He wouldn't be here at Christmas.
"I'll be right back," Leif said and slipped off the end of the booth where he was seated next to me.
"Owen, is Leif okay?" Paula asked as soon as he was gone.
"Um… yeah. I think he might be having a little stomach trouble… you know. I don't want to get specific while everyone is eating, but you know… he's in the restroom now, so… you get it."
"Oh. Okay. He looks kind of pale.
"Diarrhea will do it to you," David said.
"David!" Paula yelled.
"Yeah, thanks for the mental image, jerk," Keaton said.
"Any time."
I didn't like to lie to those I had come to consider friends, but I had made a promise to Leif, I would keep it. I had broken down and told my brother, but I could trust him to keep the secret. I wasn't going to tell anyone else.
Everyone seemed satisfied with my explanation. I thought I did a good job of making up a believable story. I didn't know how I would keep it up as he got worse, but that was the least of my problems.
Leif returned. I wanted to take his hand and hold it, but I knew I had to cool it with the emotional, caring displays. We were boyfriends, but I couldn't appear to be the least bit worried about him.
Paula looked back and forth between him and me. I feared she might be catching on that I'd lied to her, but that wasn't the case.
"What?" Leif asked her.
"I'm picturing you in matching Christmas sweaters."
"Don't let her fool you, she's picturing you naked," Keaton said.
"Why not? We look good naked, especially Leif," I said.
"Oh? So, you've seen him naked?" David asked.
I wish, but hopefully soon.
"Well, no… but I can tell."
"They look guilty. They've been going at it like rabbits," Keaton said.
Again, I wish, but hopefully soon.
"No, we haven't, but I'll tell you what; when we do, we'll let you watch," Leif said.
"Yeah?"
Leif cocked his head.
"No."
"Boys are such perverts. I truly was picturing them in matching sweaters."
"I believe her," David said. "Be careful or she will use you as life size dress up dolls. She will have you wearing matching outfits all the time."
"Don't be silly, only matching sweaters," Paula said.
"I do like sweaters," Leif said. "I can't wait to wear one. It was never cold enough in San Diego."
"You want cold? Wait until January and February; it gets so cold it will freeze your nuts off," Keaton said.
"So, that's what happened to you?" David said.
"Hey, mine did not freeze off. I'll prove it," Keaton said, beginning to stand.
Paula grabbed his shoulder and pushed him back down.
"No one wants to see that."
"I do! Take it all off, Keaton!" Leif said, laughing.
"We can sell tickets," I said.
David shook his head.
"No, I've seen him naked in the locker room after gym. No one would pay to see that."
I wouldn't pay, but I wouldn't mind seeing it either. If I wasn't going with Leif, I'd like to do a lot more than see it, if you know what I mean.
"Hey, I'm plenty big!"
"Okay. Enough. Before you boys decide to take them out and measure, let's change the topic. Seriously, why are boys so hung up on size?" Paula asked.
"Like girls aren't! All the girls go crazy over Darin Fitzgerald. He's not merely ugly, he's fugly and he's skinny. The girls only like him because his dick is freakishly huge," David said.
"The first time I saw him naked I couldn't help but stare," I said.
"Me either. I didn't think that thing could possibly be real," Keaton said.
"I can't believe we're even talking about this," Paula said.
"The point is that girls are obsessed over size. Maybe guys wouldn't be if girls weren't," Keaton said.
"You're gay, Keaton. What do you care what girls think?" she said.
"I don't. I'm just saying."
"Let's try this again, new topic!" she said.
"Well, I do like sweaters, but I don't know if I'll care much for cold. I remember when it got down into the mid-fifties once. I thought I was going to freeze to death. I could have worn a sweater then, but I didn't have one," Leif said.
"You think the fifties are cold? You know what we call weather like that in Chouteau? Spring!" David said.
Keaton laughed.
"You had better buy a lot of sweaters, California boy," Keaton said.
"I'm sure you're right. It feels cold to me already.
"Yeah, I noticed the jacket," Keaton, who was wearing a tank top said.
We kept talking long after the ice cream was gone. Leif stood up slowly. Paula eyed him, but didn't say anything. She looked at me for a moment and I wondered again if she bought my lie.
"You guys continue. Leif and I are going to hang out in the park for a while," I said.
"Boyfriend time. Gotcha," Taryn said.
"Try not to make a spectacle of yourself French kissing," David said.
"You can talk about us while we're gone," Leif said.
"Oh, we will. Paula will likely regale us with her fantasies about watching you two get it on," David said.
She smacked him.
We bid everyone goodbye and then walked out the door.
"Thanks for getting rid of everyone. I wasn't sure how I was going to keep up with the group," he said as we crossed the street.
"No problem. Paula asked if you were okay while you were away from the booth."
"You think she's suspicious?"
"Yes, but I made up a story about you having diarrhea. I'm sorry, but I couldn't come up without anything better."
He laughed.
"No, that's good."
"You know you are going to have to tell them soon."
"I know, but I want to be normal for just a little longer."
"You'll be normal even after you tell them."
"You know what I mean."
"Yes, I do."
We reached the park and sat on a bench. He leaned against me. I put my arm around him and we sat gazing at the park. The summer flowers were long gone and the leaves had turned golden.
"I really don't like cold. At least that's one good thing about dying soon. I won't have to deal with the bitter temperatures of January and February," he said.
"I'm being selfish, but I wish you would have to experience them," I said.
"You're not being selfish, not one bit. If you were, you would have walked away the moment I told you what's wrong with me."
"I want all the time I can get with you."
"I think that a little time that is good is far better than years and years that aren't. I've always wanted a boyfriend and you're making that dream come true. I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend and you're making that dream come true. I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend," he said.
"Come on, you could have a much better boyfriend. There are guys at school a hundred times hotter than me, built, gorgeous, guys."
"You're gorgeous to me and there's a lot more to a boyfriend than looks. Appearance is the least of it."
"Yeah, I'm beginning to understand how someone looks is the least important part of a relationship, but that's easy for me to say because you are the hottest, sexiest boy in school."
"You only think I am."
"Hey, all the girls cried when they found out you're gay."
"Oh, they did not!"
"I bet some did."
"My looks will soon be gone, but I know you'll love me anyway."
"You've got that right, mister. I'll love you no matter how you look."
I turned and kissed him. We made out for a good, long while.
"I'm getting cold. I should head home," he said.
"I'll walk you," I said.
We stood and began walking. The temperature didn't feel cold to me. I was wearing only a t-shirt, but he was cold in his jacket. I wondered if that was because he was from California, or if it was a sign of his illness. I tried not to think about it.
Him and I held hands as we walked. I was glad I lived in a place where not many would give boys like us trouble. He walked slower than he did the first time I met him and we had to stop so he could rest three times. I hated to see him getting weaker, but I felt so very lucky to have him as my boyfriend.
I saw him to his front door. There, I kissed him and we smiled at each other.
I didn't cry as I walked home. I was sad, but I was also content. I had found someone truly special. There were those who never experienced that. I know my time was short with him, but I had that time and I wouldn't give it up for anything.
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