Just Hit 'Send' - The Interim Years
by Grasshopper
Ch. 4
Doctor's Notes ~ Pre Session 1
Daniel Alan Trainor: 23, W/M. 4th year student at University of Oregon / Portland.
Referred by Terry DeMarco, colleague, physical therapist at Randolph Rehabilitation Center and personal friend of patient.
Medical records indicate severe emotional stress stemming from automobile accidents resulting in wheelchair confinement.
- At 9 years of age, Daniel was struck while crossing street by vehicle at approximately 50 MPH and thrown into parked car sustaining severe concussion, serious lacerations, broken bones in both legs and severe muscle damage. 14 years have found Daniel able to move about with the aid of braces and wheelchair.
- At 22 years of age, Daniel was involved in an automobile accident that resulted in a splintered femur in right leg, left knee shattered, right arm broken in 2 places, glass puncture to right lung and severe head trauma.
Easy pushed the elevator button for the 6th floor. "You ready for the mind meld, Lil Dude?" he grinned, trying to ease the thick tension sparking off Dan in waves.
"Yeah, I guess. I wish it was that simple. Press fingers to my brain and tell me what's goin' on in there," Danny sighed.
"I still think it's wrong not to tell Jordy."
"You promised!"
"Yeah, but I do NOT agree with the plan."
"I don't want him to know I'm all screwed up. I'm doin' the best I can right now, K, Ez?"
"Jordan" would be behind you 100%, you know that. Why hide it from him?
"I just want do right now... maybe later...... maybe when I understand what's wrong."
"He'll be pissed, you know."
Danny sighed. He knew Easy was right but unless he could go back to Jordan with his mind clear and his shit together, he wasn't going back.
Easy opened the door to Suite 5 and pushed Dan's chair onto the thick sienna carpeting. The entire outer office was warm and inviting with vases of fresh flowers and warm Monet water lily prints on the walls.
"May I help you?" a rather stern looking woman asked from behind her French desk.
"I'm Dan Trainor. I have a 10:00 appointment with Dr. Meadows."
"Of course you are and of course you do," the secretary answered, making Danny and Easy smile. "Have a seat and the doctor will be right with you."
Danny grinned. "I already have a seat, but thanks just the same."
The ice broken, by the time Dr. Meadows opened his door, Mrs. Busby knew all about Danny's classes and he was hearing about her cat, Tweedle Dee, and his adventure with a mouse. The doctor took in the laughter on the face of the young man in the wheelchair, his tall attractive companion and Mrs. Busby's wide infectious smile.
"Daniel?" he said, as he held out his hand. Danny looked up at the man he hoped could help him put all his demons to rest.
"Yes, me," he laughed. "I mean, I'm Daniel. This is my friend, Easy."
Easy reached for the chair handles but Dr. Meadows instructed, "Dan and I will take it from here, Easy. He'll be finished at 11:00"."
Easy nodded and then leaned over to Danny. "Do this, Dan. Do it for yourself. Do it for Jordan." And to the doctor, "I'll wait right here, if that's okay?"
"It certainly is. Mrs. Busby will watch over you," he answered, taking hold of the handles and pushing Dan into the office.
Danny felt a sense of well being when he entered the doctor's office. The sienna carpet continued but the walls were a soft cream and the leather furniture was all in butter yellow, gorgeous reprints of paintings Danny recognized were scattered on the walls. There was the standard huge "intimidation" desk with two chairs placed in front but further into the room, he saw a comfy arrangement of sofas and chairs. He was relieved when the doctor pushed him past the desk and over to the arm chairs.
"Do you want to stay in your chair?"
"I think, yes," Danny answered, not wanting the doctor to see him struggle with his braces and maybe fall on his face. Save that treat for another time.
Dr. Meadows settled in the arm chair to Danny's right and gently tugged the chair so that they were facing, but not too close.
The doctor didn't say anything for a minute, then two. Danny didn't want the silence. "I like all the paintings," he stammered.
"Do you like art? Do you have a favorite?" Dr. Meadows asked.
"I just kinda know what I like. I do love Georgia O'Keeffe's flowers and the French impressionists, you know, the ones where the closer you get, you can see the millions of little dots? Oh, and the water lilies......like out in your other office."
"Which ones make you feel peaceful?"
Danny looked around. "That one does, the lady in the garden with the little child, all the flowers."
"Good choice. It always makes me wish I was sitting just there, smelling all those flowers. Why are you here, Daniel?"
"I need to figure some stuff out and I don't seem to be able to do it by myself."
"Have you ever talked to anyone before?"
"You mean a shr ....... therapist?"
Dr. Meadows smiled, "Yes, a shrink."
"Sorry. No."
"After the first accident, you didn't seek help?"
"Why? I ran in front of a car and got torn all the shit up. It was my fault. No one had to explain that to me."
"Did you refuse to let your parents get help for you?"
Danny dropped his eyes. "Yes."
"How do you feel about that decision now? Do you still think it was the best decision?"
Danny thought for a minute. "Maybe not."
"Did you move right into intensive physical therapy after the accident?"
"No."
"Why was that?"
"I didn't want to."
"At 9 years old, your parents let you make that decision?"
"They had no choice," Danny sighed, thinking back to the tantrums and the tears. He had refused, simply refused, and after months of pleading, his parents had given in and let him alone, hoping one day he would change his mind. "I refused to do it."
"Why, Daniel?"
"I can't talk about that."
"Okay. Tell me about your home."
"Here?"
"No, where your family lives."
"Oh, I was born in Daytona, Florida. It was a great place to be a little kid. I went to the beach every day and bodyboarded and I was on a little league soccer team and I loved to ride my bike and .............," his voice trailed off.
"And?"
"And when I was 9 years old, my life fell apart." He slapped his legs and felt the old familiar burn of tears behind his eyelids and wished Jordy was with him, holding him. **I love you, his mind whispered**
"How about friends?"
"When I was little? Yeah, I had great friends. We played all the time."
"What happened to them after the accident?"
"A few tried to be my friend still but you can't be friends with someone in a wheelchair."
"Why not? Are you less of a person in that chair?"
"I didn't want pity."
"Did they cut you off or did you do it?"
"I did it so it wouldn't hurt later when they didn't call."
"What was high school like?"
"Hell."
"Why?"
"It's hard enough being a little different but add on a wheelchair and the difference factor multiplies by 100000000."
"Were you worried about girls?"
Danny snorted. "No."
"So, high school was hell. No friends, no girl. What kept you sane?"
"The internet."
"Did you find someone to talk to in cyberspace?"
"Not for a long time but then .............. yes."
"Are you still friends?"
"Umm ........ yes, but I don't want to talk about hi ........ that."
**him?**
"How about college? I see you went to Florida State in Tallahassee. Did you make friends there?"
"Yes. I lived in the dorms and then moved to an apartment with my friends. It's was great."
"Tell me about those friends."
**There was some huge chunk of Daniel's life that he was purposefully leaving out**
"Well, there was Jerry. He's a computer geek who will outdo Bill Gates in about 5 years; Jerry and his girlfriend, now wife, Missy."
**Okay ... Jerry.
"And there's Markie. She was my roomie by accident when we first started school. They thought she was guy cause of her name."
**Okay ... Markie**
"There's Josh. That's Markie's baby. His whole name is Joshua Daniel," Danny smiled, remembering the phone call when Jordy introduced him to Josh.
**Okay, baby in the mix**
"Anyone else I should meet?" the doctor asked, knowing one key must be in the words or the name that Daniel wasn't saying.
"I don't want to talk about that."
**Ooookay**
"Well, this is a good place to stop. But Daniel ............"
"Yes?"
"I need you to understand. For me to help, all these "I don't want to talk about thats" are going to have to be answered."
Danny nodded his head. This was way harder than he had imagined. It wasn't that he didn't want to talk about Jordy. It was more like if he started, he'd never stop.
"I understand."
Wheeling him to the inner door, Dr. Meadows patted him on the shoulder.
"Am I fixable, Doc?"
"Yep, a little duct tape and you'll be just fine," he smiled. "See you on Thursday. Think about what I said."
Danny slid into the Jeep seat and waited for Easy to load the chair. "Ya wanna grab some lunch? All that sittin' gave me the starvations," Ez grinned.
"Yeah, all those questions made me wanna get up and run out. Let's get smashed on Chiliburgers and fries."
Easy pulled into the right hand lane and flipped on the blinker, easing into the Checkers drive thru. "Four chiliburgers deluxe, chomper fries and ..." what you want, Dan? "A giant Dr.Pepper and a giant A&W rootbeer. Lots a ketchup."
Throwing the bags at Danny and securing the huge drinks between their legs, they headed for the river. All the time they'd been in Portland", when they needed to talk, the river had never let them down. Watching the misty fog roll seemed to make it their place and they could say what they needed to.
"He wanted to know about Jordy."
"So? God, Dan.....he's the main thing goin' in your life. Your story doesn't move without Jordan."
"I know but it didn't feel right without me telling Jordy first."
"Told ya !!"
"Shut up. I know you did. I'll tell him tonight."
"What kinds of stuff did he ask?"
"About the accidents and about high school and college. Just stuff. I don't think he's gonna help me much. He didn't talk; he just let me. He didn't even take notes and I didn't really say anything worth writing down."
Daniel Alan Trainor: Post Session 1
Daniel is a very polite, restrained young man. He suffered from PTSD following a near fatal accident at 9 but refused therapy. What happened prior to his running across that street that caused him to withdraw completely? He made no attempt to have friends {feelings of unworthiness???} and found solace on the internet with ??? College improved his outlook but who else lived in that apartment???
Possibilities:
*Submerging memories too painful to deal with
*Gay?
*Subconsciously refusing to walk
"Jordy."
"Hiya, CutiePie."
"I miss you sooooooooo much."
"You know where I live."
"I need to tell you something."
"Okay! Who's on your bed THIS time? I swear, Dan. Can't you keep it in your pants?"
"Jordyyyyy ......... nothin' like that."
"Okay, lay it on me," Jordan sighed loudly into the phone. "You know if you were just over here cuddled up with me in this big damn lonely bed, you wouldn't have all these problems."
"I went to a shrink today."
"Huh? What? You did what???
"Well, I was talking to Easy and then Terry knew a ..........."
"Terry?"
"Don't start, Jordy. I need some help, K?"
"What, baby? What do you need help with that I can't help you?"
"That's just it. I'm not sure. I just know that I can't explain it the right way to you ....... You love me too much."
Jordan ran his fingers through his hair. "So ..... how was it?"
"He was real nice. We didn't get much said today. He just asked a bunch a nothin' questions."
"Did you talk about me?"
"No. I wanted to tell you first. Ask if it was okay."
"Can you talk about your life and not talk about me?"
"No."
"And you really need to do this?"
"I think so, yes."
"Then do whatever you need to. Just say nice things, K? Not the times I took away your braces and made you crawl home in the rain or the times I beat you with a stick or the times I ................," Jordan teased.
"Stop that," Danny giggled. "Maybe just the time you forced me against my will to get a tattoo."
"Yeah right, Mr. Please Kiss My Tattooed Little Butt, and I guess you'll show it to him?"
"I just might."
"Is he cute?"
"Yeah, real hunky. I might just .................."
"Over my ..........."
"Over, under, God, I want you right now."
"Dan?"
"Uh huh?"
"Lay the phone on the pillow."
Mrs. Busby looked up to see Danny wheeling in carrying a bunch of chrysanthemums in varying shades of rust, orange and gold. He blushed and held them out to her.
"For me?" she whispered, eyes suddenly shiny.
"I just thought about how you loved flowers and I saw these and....."
"You dear child. Thank you."
Easy laughed, his deep warm bass giving warmth to the room. "Yeah, well, he was being a total brat a few minutes ago, Mrs. B."
"Was not."
"Uh, yeah, kinda were."
"Boys, boys," she laughed.
"Hello, Daniel," Dr. Meadows interrupted, smiling. "So, I have a brat on my hands today?"
"Well, he just got off the phone with ...... OOF!!" Easy sucked in breath as he got Danny's elbow in his stomach. The doctor watched the exchange with a knowing look.
**more pieces to the puzzle**
Holding the door, Dr. Meadows then pushed Danny toward the easy chairs. "I'd kind like to sit in one of them today," Danny said quietly.
"Sure." The doctor watched as Danny put on the brake, tugged his braces out from behind him, struggled to right himself and finally pulled himself upright to swivel into the soft yellow chair. Dropping the braces beside the chair, he leaned back and smiled.
"That's quite a feat, isn't it?"
"Yep, but I'm getting stronger every day. Terry says I WILL get out of this chair."
"Do you think you will?"
"I hope so," Danny sighed.
"Do you have a reason to want to be out of there?"
"Do you want me to answer one of my mystery questions now?"
"If you want to."
"You asked me who lived in that apartment besides Markie and Jerry and Josh."
"So, the someone else is important to this saga?"
"Oh yes."
"Why didn't you say it on Tuesday?"
"I hadn't told him I was seeing you."
***ah, him***
"But now you have?"
"Yes, and he said it was okay was long as I don't tell you the bad stuff," Danny grinned, remembering the silly teasing.
"IS there bad stuff?"
"With Jordy? Nooooo! That's a joke."
**the mystery has a name**
"Can you tell me about Jordy?"
"What do you want to know?"
"Anything that you want to say."
"Hmm. I was thinking about this a lot. How I would explain Jordan Lawrence to someone. It's kinda like trying to explain the wind or the sun or rain or something. He just IS."
"He is your lover?"
Danny blinked, then blushed. "I never said that before. Oh."
"Is he?"
"Yes. He's ........ he ........ I love him."
"How long have you been together?"
"Six years."
"So, you've known Jordan since you were 15 years old."
"Yes. We met on the internet."
"That's two questions you've answered, I think."
"Oh, okay. Right. I was ready to give up. I had no friends, I was failing school. I didn't know where to turn. I went to a MB for .... for gays and I saw this post. It said "Will someone listen?" I answered, "I will." And we've been together ever since."
"Did you tell him you were handicapped?"
Danny frowned, such old memories. "No, and when he finally said he was gonna stop talking to me if I didn't meet him, I had to let him see."
"How did you feel about that?"
"I was so scared. I KNEW he'd hate me ...... run away."
"Did he?"
Danny's face softened as he remembered. "Oh no. He carried me to the water and he showed me skateboard tricks and he ... he ........ loved me even like this."
"You've been together six years. You've been sexually active in that time?"
"Only with Jordy."
"And Jordy?"
"Only with me."
"So, you ARE able to ........"
"Yes!!," Danny interrupted quickly. "Not like I wish I could, but yes."
"And Jordy is okay with everything?"
"You'd have to know Jordy. He loves me. It doesn't make a difference to him. It truly doesn't."
**questionable**
"But it does to you? Not being able to show your love equally?"
"Yes."
"Does Jordy ever complain?"
"Only because I'm out here."
"Why are you out here if Jordy isn't? Where is he?"
"He lives with Markie and Josh in Wilmington, North Carolina". He teaches high school English."
"Is he Josh's father?"
Danny smiled. "Yes and no. Spermwise, no .... loves Josh like a his own, yes."
"So, he took on the responsibility of another man's child?"
"Yes. He loves Markie."
"Daniel. Is Jordy Bisexual?"
"NOOOO."
"And yet he lives with a woman and her child while you live out here?"
"That wasn't his doing."
"Whose doing was it?"
"Mine."
"You left him?"
"I can't talk about that."
**wall went up**
"Are you ashamed you are gay?"
"No."
"Is Jordy?"
"No."
"How long have you known you were gay?"
Danny thought. "Since I was 9."
**the accident**
"Wasn't that when you were hurt?"
"Ummm .... I guess so."
"Did something happen when you were 9?"
"NO!! well, except that I got hurt."
"Did you ever tell anyone what happened when you got hurt?"
Danny ran his hands over his face. "Jordy."
"So, Jordy knows why you got hurt?"
"I didn't say there was a reason. I was just running."
"From what, Daniel?"
"I don't want to talk about that."
**but he has talked ...... to Jordy**
"Would you mind if I talk to Jordy?"
"What? To Jordy?"
"He can probably really help me understand."
"He can't come all the way out here," Danny said frantically. "He doesn't have the money."
"That would be the best case scenario but I can talk to him on the phone if I need to."
"I guess. I'll ask him."
"Will he?"
"Yes."
"You can say that positively?"
"Yes. Jordy will do it for me."
"May I speak to your parents too?"
"I'll ask."
"Are you afraid of what I'll ask them?"
"No. They know all about me. I love them."
"Good. Let's stop here for today. I'll get in touch with your parents and with Jordy after you tell them. Leave their numbers with Mrs. B."
Daniel Trainor : Post Session 2
Many questions answered ...... many new questions formed. Daniel was involved in something sexual before he ran across that street. He thinks Jordan Lawrence is his lifeline to normalcy yet he ran away. It's imperative that I speak to Jordan to put all the pieces together.
Possibilities:
The sexual activity at 9 was nonconsensual / perpetrator older?
Jordan has hurt Daniel physically causing Daniel to run from him / codependent? Uses abuse as a substitute for love? Punishes himself for whatever occurred
Perhaps Easy is a key.
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