Showing versus Telling
IOMfAtS
This is a hard one to get right. We all get it wrong at times. I know I get it wrong when I am trying to reach a conclusion too quickly. When I feel rushed I start to tell the reader what is happening. I try to show them instead.
Think of the way we create three dimensional characters rather than two dimensional ciphers. We give them attributes that our readers can, along with our character, taste, see, smell, touch, feel what they do. We try very hard to make our readers laugh and cry along with them.
In our descriptive prose, by which I mean everything except the words in dialogue, we need to paint pictures in our readers' heads. A good writer shows, tries never to tell, unless telling adds value to the plot in a better manner than showing.
Try this:
Lying on my back, I could see him outlined against the moonlit window, sitting beside me, looking down at me, see his arms, watch his hands moving down my chest, down my sides, down my legs. I could see his shoulders, the curve of his head, the join of his neck with his shoulders, and he was beautiful.
Does it let you paint the picture in your head or does it tell you what you are looking at?
Whatever conclusion you come to about that, I think this one definitely tells rather than shows:We headed back to the room. We had some swim gear to pick up, sun cream, towels, frisbee, tennis balls, football, shades, you know, all the stuff you take with you and never use. At least no Mum and Dad to carry the windbreak, beach umbrella, picnic set and all that other rubbish they insist on taking on outings with them.
Frankly I can see no way of showing you that lot, though the parents leaven the telling a little.
It's horses for courses. If we need, prefer, a picture painted by the reader's inner eye, we make huge efforts to show. If we have a shopping list type scenario, telling is fine.
Showing also happens by pace, layout, grammar and syntax:
Dad's away this week.
On my bed, when I'm in my safe place, the house is empty.
I need my safe place tonight.
I'm not alone when the house is empty.
I'm rocked by the waves. Even my safe place is scary tonight. There's a big storm in my sea.
It will be calm by morning.
In the morning I'll shower, dress, and go to school.
I'll look after Jethro then. He's two years younger than me, a brand new teenager.
Tonight I know he doesn't need me because I'm in my safe place, weathering the storm.
We both start with a J. I'm Jacob.
What's going on here?
I know what my intent was. I wonder how it achieved it for you. My intent was to use the hero's internal dialogue in a staccato manner to create a picture of something being dreadfully wrong while being careful not to say what it was that beset him. I think it is a method of showing, because the hero sure ain't telling what is happening in his life.
Run the staccato sentences into a single paragraph instead:
Dad's away this week. On my bed, when I'm in my safe place, the house is empty. I need my safe place tonight. I'm not alone when the house is empty. I'm rocked by the waves. Even my safe place is scary tonight. There's a big storm in my sea. It will be calm by morning. In the morning I'll shower, dress, and go to school. I'll look after Jethro then. He's two years younger than me, a brand new teenager. Tonight I know he doesn't need me because I'm in my safe place, weathering the storm. We both start with a J. I'm Jacob.
Does it work better this way or is the original better?
