My Best Friend
by Victor Thomas
Chapter 12
I spent the next week avoiding Todd. It had simply become too difficult to be near him. I loved him so much it hurt. The intensity of my attraction to him was almost unbearable. What I'd experienced before coming out to myself was nothing compared to what I had to endure after I'd acknowledged that I was gay. Admitting what I was opened the floodgates. It released emotions and feelings that had been pent up inside me for so long that they threatened to overwhelm me. The love I felt for him was so intense and powerful that it hurt. Feeling that love and knowing that what I wanted could never be was more painful than I can describe.
The physical anguish was nearly as agonizing. My longing glanced at Todd were what had brought my homosexuality into the light of day, but I'd still been denying to myself that I was hot for him. The denial was gone and my desire for him was at a fever pitch. My lust was out of control. The mere sight of him flooded my mind with wild, erotic fantasies. The thoughts kept coming whether I wanted them or not. It was as if years of suppressed images were forcing their way into my consciousness. I must admit, many of them were enjoyable, to say the least, but I'd rather not have been so overwhelmed with them. It was just too much, too fast.
My body was in a continual state of sexual arousal. It was a state that I very much enjoyed, but it was far too much of a good thing. I felt like my entire body was on fire. I couldn't even imagine the sheer mass of hormones that must have been surging through my system. I was jerking off three, four, sometimes five times a day just to relieve the tension and pressure, and even that wasn't cutting it. My hyper aroused state was something I just couldn't shut off. The only time my boxers weren't tented was when I wasn't wearing them. I took the phrase 'horny teenage boy' to new heights.
All this might not sound like a problem, but believe me, it was. My intense sexual needs were driving me out of my mind. They added to my other problems until I felt completely overwhelmed.
I couldn't avoid Todd entirely, of course. We had gym together and usually sat together at lunch, and football practice after school. I started showing up as late as possible for both those so that he would already be dressed and out of the locker room by the time I got there. I couldn't trust myself not to look at him and doing so was suicide. I couldn't take a chance on anyone noticing and figuring out me secret and destroying me.
At the end of gym class, I showered and dressed in record time and then disappeared, or I waited as long as I could before entering the locker room. I did everything I could to avoid being in there with him, especially when he was naked. In my over aroused state, I couldn't risk the least exposure to his beautiful naked body. If I glimpsed so much as his bare chest, my manhood grew as stiff as steel. The last thing I wanted in the locker room or showers was a hard on.
It was even more difficult to keep my distance from him at lunch. I tried to avoid sitting right next to him. I made sure there was at least one person between us, then I'd busy myself talking to other guys so I didn't have to talk to him. Some days I just skipped out on lunch all together. I couldn't converse with him in anything but the most generic way. A simple 'how's it going' or 'how you doing' was about all I could manage. Even then I had trouble looking him in the eye. The though of anything more meaningful terrified me.
I ducked our before practice conversations, too, by pretending I had to talk to one of my teachers. The last thing I wanted was to sit alone with him for a few minutes. At one time that was my favorite part of the day, but not anymore. My homosexuality had stolen that pleasure from me. I felt like it had taken away my best friend.
As hard as it all was on me, I knew it was equally hard on him. He knew I was avoiding him and he didn't have a clue as to why I was doing it. I know it hurt his feelings and that made me feel worse than ever. I wished that I could make him understand, but I just couldn't tell him why I had to avoid him. I was hurting our friendship, but I was powerless to stop what was going on. I no longer had control over my own life.
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