Christmas Without You
by Rob Warr
Chapter 7
Dad's diet was still restricted, but we all dined together as a family and this little ritual seemed to heal us better than anything we could have imagined. Sure, there were still some hard times ahead, but we couldn't think about that. Right now the most important thing was being together, our dad at the head of the table as always and surrounded by those we loved most.
After dinner, mom and Juanita cleaned up and quickly joined the rest of us in the living room. It was time to open one gift, a family tradition, and we even had gifts for Juanita and Eric. Sammy and I passed out the gifts, each one having been okayed by the giver as we held them up for inspection.
Soon we were settled into our seats, presents in hand, and the carnage began. Dad's was a new watch, and I saw his eyes light up as he took it from the box and held it up for all to see. For a moment I felt his joy, then suddenly I realized time wasn't something dad had a lot of, and I wondered did he need a reminder of that. Of course the watch had been bought long before dad got sick, and his happiness soon made me forget the implications of the gift.
Mom's was a new Kashmir sweater that she'd had her eye on, a fact dad had picked up on, and being the ever thoughtful and loving husband, he'd gone back and bought it that very same day. I don't remember what the rest of us got, but I will say we were all pleased, but then I think we'd have been just as happy if the gifts had been coal, as long as we had our dad there to share the experience with.
We sang Christmas carols then, and Juanita said she really needed to get home, that she had some things to do to get ready for tomorrow's dinner, but she said Eric could stay if it was all right with us. Of course it was, and Eric and I walked her to the door and gave her a big hug before she headed to her Explorer and slowly drove away.
The original plan had been for Juanita and family to come over for Christmas dinner, Mrs. Brown and mom sharing the cooking, but since dad had gotten ill, Mrs. Brown had taken it upon herself to do mom's part as well.
We were looking forward to seeing the Browns again, and enjoy Mrs. Brown's wonderful cooking, but of course we worried that this might be too much for dad. However, any doubts we had were quickly erased when he found out that plans were still on and that our two families would be celebrating the holiday together.
Mom did insist that dad get some rest, and around nine we helped him upstairs and to their room, which was thankfully downstairs. We kissed him and hugged him goodnight than left him in mom's care and returned to the living room to watch TV and enjoy each other's company.
However, it had been a long day, and soon we were all dragging a bit, Linda leaving first, then Sammy, and finally Eric and I gave it up and headed upstairs. After a quick shower we hopped into bed, but no visions of sugar plums danced in our heads that night.
It was wonderful to have dad home, but I couldn't help think about what lay ahead for him, and for us. I know it's kind of selfish to worry about my feelings, but it just seemed so unfair to think that I might lose my dad at this point in my life.
Eric sensed my unease and comforted me as best he could, snuggling against me and stroking my back gently, and soon I managed to fall asleep. Thankfully, I did not dream, or if I did at least I didn't remember doing so.
I awoke first, untangled myself from Eric and crossed to stare out my window. The snow had stopped but not before leaving a beautiful coat of white over most everything below. I worried that the Browns might not be able to make it here through the snow, but they only lived a couple miles away, and with four-wheel-drive I figured they'd make it.
I peed and returned to find Eric stirring, his big brown eyes still closed as only the top part of his face peeked from beneath the covers. I was content to let him sleep, but his aching bladder must've gotten the best of him, for suddenly he threw back the covers and bounded off to the bathroom.
I dressed while he was gone, remembering to wear the ugly Christmas sweater my aunt Edna had sent me, and hoped the others remembered theirs as well. It was sort of a family tradition, and each year we received new sweaters, the old ones donated to Goodwill or some other organization that clothed the homeless and needy.
This year mine had a huge tree with raccoons standing on two legs while stringing tinsel around it. It was actually pretty funny, and I didn't mind wearing it, that one day, but I certainly wouldn't have wanted to wear it in public.
"I wish I had a cool sweater like that," Eric said upon returning.
"Hey, wait...I think I still have last year's. I don't think mom gave it away yet."
I dug in my closet and sure enough found the red, green, and yellow nightmare that had been last year's Christmas sweater. Eric loved it and quickly dressed and slipped it on. It fit him just right since he was a bit smaller than me and he proudly strutted around till I had to laugh.
We found mom and dad in the living room sitting on the couch and Linda and Sammy were busy in the kitchen, all wearing their ugly Christmas sweaters. What? Isn't that just backwards? Well, apparently Linda can cook oatmeal, and Sammy is capable of making toast without burning it, though up until now it seemed those talents had remained hidden.
After a light breakfast, it was time to open the rest of the presents. Now, ordinarily this would have been the highlight of the day, of the season, of the year, but this time we were a bit more reserved, taking our time to open and inspect each gift then to give a heartfelt thanks to the giver.
Since Sammy and Linda had fixed breakfast, Eric and I took it upon ourselves to clean up the wrapping paper mess, saving the bows for reuse, and once that was done we joined mom and dad on the couch.
Dad seemed perky today, joking and talking and telling us how much he was looking forward to Mrs. Brown's cooking. Mom, just rolled her eyes, reminding him that he needed to take it easy and not overeat, but dad just smiled.
"Woman, he said...it's my brain that's broken, not my stomach."
That was supposed to be funny, and probably would have been if it was about someone else, but for us it was a stark reminder that despite appearances, dad was sick, and...eventually dying.
He seemed to realize his joke hadn't gone over as planned and covered it over by changing the subject, instead inquiring about the video game I'd received and asking me if we could try it out. Yeah, my dad was so cool he even played video games with us, and I jumped on the chance to share that experience with my dad once more.
I set up the X-box in the living room and mom moved aside so dad and I could sit side by side. It was a hard game but dad did just about as good as I did, and I wondered how could he be this good if his brain was being eaten away by cancer? There was really nothing that didn't remind me of dad's condition, so I finally just shoved all that to the back of my mind and enjoyed the moment.
The Browns arrived around eleven, and when asked if they had any trouble getting there, Juanita just grinned, "Oh, we was gonna make it, even if we had to walk the last few blocks, but fortunately we were able to slip and slide our way here."
Mom left dad in our care as she joined the other two women in preparation of the meal, and Mr. Brown joined us in the living room. He and my dad had a nice talk, thankfully none of it about dad's condition, and I sort of drifted off into my own world as I listened to the two friends talk.
Eric remained faithfully at my side, a constant companion, his soft warm body pressed against me as we sat on the couch. We were too young at ten to understand the complicated emotions of romance, but looking back I see that that Christmas was the start of something new and wonderful that would eventually blossom and grow, changing our lives forever.
Dinner was wonderful, the food, the conversation, the sharing, the love, and for once I really did forget about dad's condition and truly enjoyed myself. I think everyone did, especially dad, who seemed as jolly as the old fat man himself. He talked about tomorrow and the future as if he had all the time in the world, and I prayed he did, but if not, at least we had now, and I was going to enjoy every minute of it.
The ladies cleared and we moved onto dessert, the adults having coffee and us kids more soda or milk. There were too many yummy things to choose from, so we wound up with very small portions of each, and were still stuffed when we pushed our plates away at last.
Proclaiming that the dishes could wait, the ladies joined us in the family room where Sammy lit a fire in the fireplace. We seldom used the fireplace because it was more decorative than a source of heat, but on this snowy Christmas day it seemed the ideal thing to do.
A crackling fire, Christmas music playing softly on the stereo, friends and family talking softly, sharing their lives and their love. It was perfect, all of it, and to this day is the most memorable Christmas of my life.
The day passed like a wispy cloud across a blue sky, we ate again, talked some more, watched Christmas movies on TV, but eventually it was time to end the festivities. Dad looked tired but mom was too polite and too good a host to send her company home early. However, the Browns understood and made the first move.
"Can I stay?" Eric begged his mom with his big brown puppy dog eyes.
"If it's okay with everyone, I don't care, baby."
"It's fine, Juanita," mom said, "Tommy would be lost without him."
"Well, behave," she said giving Eric a hug and a kiss.
They'd divided up the leftovers earlier and the three adults each carried a sack, but there was still plenty of food left for us to enjoy tomorrow. We parted at the front door, for it was too cold and the snow too deep to venture outside.
We helped dad to their bedroom, but it was obvious he really didn't need our help. However, we weren't about to take any chances and have him fall on the way. We surrounded him like human bumper guards and he tolerated our help since he knew it was given out of love.
Once we had dad into his room and hugs and kisses had been shared, we scattered to our rooms, Eric right by my side as always.
We skipped the usual shower, reasoning that we really hadn't done much to get dirty that day and soon we were snuggled up in my bed. In a way I preferred when Eric didn't shower. I liked how he smelled, and though I couldn't really explain it, it sort of gave me a tingle in my tummy. He didn't stink. He smelled musky and spicy, like a boy should, I guessed, and even when he did shower I could still detect a bit of his natural scent coming through. But tonight that scent was coming in strong, and it was both soothing and exciting at the same time.
Suddenly I found my self snuggled up to Eric's backside, my front pressed into his perky behind and I sniffed his neck and placed a little kiss there. He giggled but didn't protest, and I was emboldened to do it again.
"That tickles," he giggled.
"Should I stop?" I asked uncertainly.
"Nah, it feels nice, too," he sighed, "maybe kiss harder and on the side of my neck."
My heart soared and as butterflies filled my stomach I forgot all about my worries and troubles and enjoyed the first moment of what would eventually become a love affair. I was vaguely aware of a stirring between my legs as well, but I didn't really give it much thought. Sex wasn't a big motivator at ten, and hormones weren't controlling my thoughts, yet. However, it did feel nice pressed against Eric's soft behind and there was no way he didn't feel my excitement. And yet he said nothing and even pushed back against me a few times as if to make sure that was what he was feeling, or perhaps to enhance the feelings for both of us.
We fell asleep this way, and as I coasted into dream-free slumber I remember calling his name softly as my last kiss still lingered on his neck.
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