Christmas Brothers
by Rob Warr
Chapter 9
The Christmas Party was that Saturday night, and besides a bunch of volunteers, there was a children's choir from some church and the Mayor of our city even stopped by for a cup of punch before hurrying off. I guess mayors have more important things to do than hang around with a bunch of snot-nosed orphans.
I was glad the Nelsons were out of town, for I'm quite sure if they hadn't been they would have been there, fawning over me and trying to persuade me to come live with them. Okay, so I'm not being fair to them. They're giving me space and letting me decide on my own, but I need someone to blame, don't I?
The food was good, not as good as at the Nelsons', I thought frowning, and I hoped I wouldn't compare everything in the future to what I'd had there. There were little sandwiches and all kinds of salads and veggies, which believe it or not we boys liked. Maybe because they were cooked up fancier than what we usually got, with cheese sauce or tasty dressings that really gave them a zing. There were less healthy things too, like chips, and all sorts of desserts from cookies to pie.
The punch was good too, and I found out later it was called 7up punch because it had, you guessed it, 7up soda in it. It had a tangy, bubbly taste and went down easy, and I bet I drank four glasses before the night was over.
Charlie seemed to be having a really good time, and for the hundredth time I thought how much he would have enjoyed my visit with the Nelsons. Too bad we couldn't both have gone, but the Nelsons chose me, and now I was stuck with deciding whether to accept them or be an orphan for the rest of my life.
"Hey, spud-head," Charlie said coming up to me with a plate of cake and ice cream, "want a bite?"
"Sure, bite me," I joked, and Charlie pretended he was going to bite my neck, then dissolved into laughter.
"Man, this is the best time ever, don't ya think?"
"Yeah, pretty great. Way better than last year. I guess Dr. A has lined up some better sponsors this year."
"Yeah, and when those kids started singing Silent Night I thought I was gonna break down and boo hoo."
"I think I did cry a little," I confessed, "they're voices were so sweet."
"Aww, I think so too. You're such a sensitive soul. I think that's one of the things that attracted me to you in the beginning. You always look out for the little guys, and you ain't afraid of nothing."
"Well...maybe there are some things I'm afraid of," I said softly, "like leaving you behind."
"You're not leaving me behind. You can't get rid of me that easy. I'll be here and we'll see each other, you said the Nelson said I could come visit, what more do you want?" he said sounding exasperated.
"You know it's not just that," I said stubbornly.
"Sheeesh," he fumed, "you just make trouble for yourself. If I was you I'd be jumping up and down wondering when I could leave this place and move into my new digs."
I smiled, "Maybe you could take my place then."
"In a heart beat," he said grinning, "but they don't want me, they want you, knucklehead."
"Let's not talk about this tonight, okay. Let's just enjoy the party..."
After we got our fill of food, the choir sang some more songs, then Dr. Asher and some guest speaker gave a short speech, and finally Santa arrived.
This Santa wasn't our Mr. Oscar, and I swear this one had a real beard and seemed to fit the role perfectly. Maybe he really was Santa, ha, ha, but if he was, he wasn't giving out the good stuff. However, I really can't complain because instead of the usual pair of socks, comb, and an apple and an orange, we got real gifts. Kites, model kits, toy cars and trucks, board games and other neat things.
And...the best part was: each of us got two gifts, not just the usual one. I was impressed with what I got, a model kit and a kite, and somehow it seemed Santa knew that Charlie liked chess because he got a really neat chess game with carved figures, not plastic ones. He also got a model kit, but his was a B-52 airplane, while mine was a '57 Chevy.
The little kids bout wet themselves when they saw that they were getting real toys this year and I nearly cried seeing the excitement and joy in their little faces. Charlie was right, I am a sensitive soul, maybe too sensitive, because it was tearing me apart knowing I was going to disappoint a lot of people if I turned down the Nelsons' offer to adopt me.
The party ran till way past nine and we were allowed to take some of the food back to our dorms as long as we didn't make a mess or leave it out for the mice to eat. I was stuffed, but I didn't complain when Charlie offered me a couple cookies to take back, while he took two cupcakes and a slice of pie.
That night as I lay in my bed, my gifts on the little locker at the end of my bed, I thought about what it would be like to be a 'real boy', to live in a real house, to have parents, to get gifts like this for my birthday and Christmas and just because they loved me. What it would feel like to have my own room, my own backyard, my own pool, and though all those things sounded fine, I knew I'd miss the life I had here. The noise, the smells, the friendship, the love that Charlie and I shared. I'd never been alone, not truly alone my whole life, and I wasn't sure if I could live that kind of life. Oh sure, I'd make friends, but it wouldn't be the same. They wouldn't be living under the same roof, sharing the shower, eating chow side by side in the chow hall. It all seemed strange to a boy who'd grown up in an orphanage, and though getting adopted was supposed to be the dream of every child like me, I wasn't sure if it was what I wanted, even if all the other issues were resolved.
"Pssst," Charlie whispered a while later from his bunk above me, "you asleep?
"Yeah," I teased.
"Shut up, can I come down?'
"Sure, but be quiet."
Charlie slithered off the top bunk like a snake and landed quietly beside my bed, then hurriedly climbed in beside me, his warmth and softness a much welcome distraction. It was a tight fit, but we'd shared a bed many times, usually just talking softly or sharing our warmth, but on occasion we'd fooled around as well.
It wasn't like the other boys in the dorm cared, but we tried to be discrete and respectfully quiet. While it was true that some of the other boys messed around after lights as well, there were always those who were trying to sleep.
That night Charlie and I didn't have sex on our minds. By mutual unspoken agreement we just snuggled together and I kissed him on the cheek and he kissed me back.
"It's okay, you'll figure it out," he whispered to me, his soft breath tickling my ear.
"Thanks, I hope so," I replied, and suddenly I was very tired and all my worries were put on hold.
Sunday Dr. Asher called me into his office again, and though I'd had several days to come up with an answer or at least some way to stall, I had nothing. I sat there, dreading what came next, and hoping for a miracle. Maybe the Nelsons had come to their senses and didn't want me after all, or maybe they'd found another kid while they were out of town. Yeah, right.
"Any closer to making a decision, Zeke?"
"Not really," I confessed.
"You know what might help is another visit. Maybe you just need to get to know the Nelsons better and adjust to the environment. I understand they have fixed up a very nice room for you and that they have a swimming pool. The sort of things a boy should be crazy about," he said with a smile.
"Yes sir, it was very nice. The house was very nice and we decorated it for Christmas and had a great time," I said, then I realized that I really did have a good time, and that everything really was nice. It wasn't about the house, or my room, or the clothes, or the pool, what it came down to was, me. Was I really what they wanted, what they needed, or would I disappoint them in the end and they'd regret ever bringing me home?
"I see, so everything was nice, and you had a good time, and the Nelsons are great people, and you loved your room, liked the idea of having your own pool, and you got along well with the people the Nelsons introduced you to...and yet, you have all these doubts."
Well, when he put it like that, I sounded crazy, and I didn't know how to answer, but fortunately Dr. Asher went on.
"So, what I'm seeing is not doubt about the situation, but rather doubt about yourself. I think you are afraid you will fail somehow. That you will let the Nelsons down, let us down. Zeke, you're just a boy. Granted, one who has been through a lot, and no one is expecting you to be anything but who you are. You are a fine young man, intelligent, bright, witty, friendly and caring, and anyone would be proud to know you. So, why then do you doubt yourself?"
I was about to answer, but he went on.
"I think it's because you see yourself as somehow inferior to others, especially the Nelsons. Well, you are not inferior. I know that, everyone here at the orphanage knows that, and from the way the Nelsons talk about you, I'm sure they know that too. They love you already, and trust me, love is not often easy to come by. To have prospective parents bond so quickly with a child is very rare. I have never met a more deserving or enthusiastic couple and I am quite sure you have developed some feelings for them as well. But for some reason you are suppressing those feelings and causing problems for yourself.
I've known you long enough to know that you're usually not this conflicted. You are the kind of boy who takes life as it's handed to him, deals with it, and moves on, but this time, it's as if you are setting yourself up to fail. There has to be a deeper problem here that I'm not aware of, but if you won't share that problem with me, I can't help."
Could I tell him the real reason I was: as he said, setting myself up to fail? Dare I tell him how I feel and risk causing problems not just for me, but for Charlie as well? Did he know what it was like to be a boy in an all boys orphanage and what went on there? I almost laughed at that. If he didn't know by now, then he wasn't the man I thought he was. No, he had to know, and being a 'head-doctor' he surely must understand that sometimes boys like boys and not girls.
"This is really hard to talk about," I said, finally deciding to come clean and take my chances.
He didn't answer, instead allowing me to take my time and tell it in my own way and my own time.
"I'm different," I began, "well..maybe I'm not the only one like me...here at the orphanage, but I'm not like a lot of boys."
"I see, we're all unique in our own way," Dr. Asher offered, "why do you believe your differences are something to be concerned about?"
"Cause maybe I'm not normal?" I begged.
"Who decides what's normal?" Dr. Asher chuckled, "certainly not I, certainly not the other boys here, or the staff, or the world in general. What's normal for some, may not be normal for someone else. We all have our little eccentricities."
What he said made sense, but I didn't think that really applied to my situation. Most people thought that boys liking girls was normal, and that boys liking boys was wrong, a sin even.
"Even if most people think this kind of different is wrong?"
"Ah, society's norms," he chuckled, "or the church?" he added, "again, who are they to decide?"
"But...most folks say this thing, umm...what I am is wrong."
Dr. Asher smiled, "Are you talking about your sexuality, Zeke?" he said as calmly as if he'd ask me what color my eyes were.
"What?" I yelped. How could he just blurt that out there like that?
"Your attraction to other boys? Is that what you are referring to?"
I couldn't meet his eyes and I couldn't speak, all I could do was shrug and nod my head, my shame finally revealed.
"Zeke, son, look at me," he said gently, and suddenly I knew he was on my side and I had nothing to fear from this man.
Slowly I raised my head and I noticed there were tears in his eyes.
"My god, this must've been eating away at you for a long time and I blame myself for not addressing the situation and having a talk with you, with all the boys. Zeke, there is nothing wrong with you. You are very young, and your mind and body are still growing and adapting and what you like today may not be what you like in a year, or five years, or it may not change. Neither is wrong or bad. You will be who and what you are. Sure, you are to some degree a product of your environment, and in your case since other boys are all you have ever been associated with, then it is only natural that you would form bonds with other boys. However, that doesn't mean that you won't be able to form bonds with females later on. But either way that's fine. I sense that what you're really worried about is not your own feelings, but that you will hurt the Nelsons or disappoint them by being who you are. Am I close?"
Any closer and he'd be in my lap.
I nodded, "Mr. Nelson wants a boy that's 'all boy'. I don't know if I am or not."
"Hmm, you look like a boy to me," Dr. Asher said studying me closely, "just because you like other boys doesn't make you less of a boy, just as men loving other men doesn't make them less of a man. Are you familiar with the term 'gay'?"
"I've heard it before, isn't that what I am?"
"Well, that's yet to be proven, but let's assume you are at this moment in time, gay. Now think of your sexuality this way. There is a line drawn on the floor. At one end is the word gay, meaning an individual is only attracted to someone of their own sex. Now, at the other end of the line is the word straight, which means a person is only attracted to a person of the opposite sex. Now, imagine a point halfway down that line drawn on the floor, what is that?"
"Uh, neither one?" I guessed.
"Or...a little of both?" he said grinning.
"Oh...OH! I said, so some people might like both?"
"Exactly, and according to how close they are on that line from one end or the other, they will be attracted more to either male or female."
"And this is...um, okay with most people?"
Dr. Asher laughed, "Unfortunately, no. Most people denounce anything that doesn't conform to their own standards, or their religion, or how they were raised. However, there are enough enlightened people in the world who understand what I just described to you. And slowly, year by year that number grows, and I believe that someday we will see equality for all people, despite who they love."
"But what if the Nelsons think I'm sick or weird and don't want me when they find out what I am?" I said, getting back to the real problem.
"Why do they need to know? If you were attracted to a girl would you confide that in them and brag that you were straight? I doubt it, so why would you tell them you liked a boy?"
"So, I could keep it a secret? But what if I don't ever start liking girls and they expect me to get married and stuff..."
"Well, by then I'd say you were an adult and could pretty much do whatever you wanted and it wouldn't be any of their business," he chuckled.
Man, he was good. He really knew how to shred my objections and flush them away.
"I don't know, I see what you mean, but I'm still not sure if this is right for me."
"But you have a better understanding of what the real issue is and how you can handle that, right?"
"Yes, sir. I feel better about that, and kind of silly for thinking like I did."
"Don't feel bad about that. Your feelings and your thoughts are genuine, and you have a right to express them without feeling shame or ridicule. In fact, I think you did a good job of sorting out the real issues, you just needed some help dealing with them. I hope I was that help, and I hope our discussion will enable you to come to the right decision."
"You think I should say yes, don't you?"
"What do you think?" he chuckled, "part of my job is to find homes for deserving boys like you, and each placement is a success for me. But...no pressure. You need to make up your own mind. But remember, this might be the chance of a lifetime."
"Yes, sir, can I go now? I really have some thinking to do now."
"Of course, I don't expect to hear from the Nelsons till tomorrow, so if you decide anything between now and then, let me know."
"I will. Thank you, sir."
"You're very welcome, Zeke, have a good afternoon."
Monday came and went and I still hadn't been called back to Dr. Asher's office. I wondered if maybe the Nelsons hadn't made it back from their trip yet, or if maybe they just hadn't had a chance to talk. Needless to say I was on pins and needles and as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. It was only four days till Christmas and I figured if the Nelsons were going to make a move it had to be soon.
Tuesday came and went, still nothing, and I'd begun to wonder if they'd just given up. That was fine, right? I really didn't want to go, or did I? Was I just trying to make excuses why not to do what I really and truly wanted to do? All kids wanted, no, needed a family. Someone to love them, to take care of them and to help them learn and grow and become a good person.
The Nelsons had so much to offer, and I had...well...me. Was I enough? They seemed to think so, and Dr. Asher seemed to think so. Charlie didn't just think it, he was sure of it, and had told me a dozen times what a schmuck I was for not saying yes right away.
Charlie. Everything eventually came back to Charlie. I loved him, and leaving him behind would be painful, more painful than anything I'd ever experienced and maybe more than I could handle. And even the Nelsons' reassurances that he could visit weren't enough to soothe the ache in my heart when I thought about being separated from him.
But the closer it got to Christmas the more I began to wonder if my hesitancy to commit had ruined any chance I had to find a family. If the Nelsons gave up on me, why would anyone else give me a try? And the big question, did I really want to be adopted at all? Then there were the other 'what-ifs'. What if Charlie got adopted instead of me and what if he was the one who left me behind? I'd have squandered my one chance and a good one at that to have a family and a life outside the orphanage.
There was so much to think about, and I felt like I had a ten ton weight hanging over my head. Not knowing what to expect or when it would come crashing down, when it did it was nothing like I expected.
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