Speedy Gonzales
by N Fourbois
An air of apprehension rather than fear hung over St Barnabas College. Five attacks had taken place since the beginning of term and the perpetrator had already been christened Speedy Gonzales among the seven hundred and fifty boys who made up the pupils there. The staff had been made aware of what was going on and the Second Master was pursuing his own enquiries in the background. Even he had hit a brick wall, not through lack of co-operation, but through lack of evidence. Naturally because of the sensitive nature of the crime the victims were reluctant to come forward to members of staff. Indeed it was only the fourth victim who had reported it; the other four preferred it to be dealt with within the community and the Second Master did not feel that he could stand up in chapel assembly and appeal for information or witnesses. But therein lay the bizarre. On each occasion there were legions of witnesses; on each occasion the 'usual suspects' had watertight alibis or couldn't possibly have carried it out: 'I had my briefcase in one hand and a sandwich in the other.'
St Barnabas College was a boarding school for thirteen to eighteen year olds situated deep in the countryside. As such it formed a closed and close community, but functioned well because of its size. Competition kept the boys on their toes, cliques might form, but could never become large enough to influence the whole. It had gone through a To Serve Them All My Days renaissance, a reference to R F Delderfield's novel, where after decades of tough, often cruel régimes a new headmaster had humanised the establishment and although that headmaster had long passed on, his legacy of tolerance still stood and as the reputation of the school grew and spread so did its pupil size and wealth. One in twenty of its pupils were there on scholarships provided by benefactors, largely old boys who believed in the place. Its greatest difficulty in expansion was not finance or space, but battles with the local authority over planning permission. Boarding houses had been built, rebuilt or refurbished. Everybody, apart from the Heads of Houses, shared double bedsit studies, and the friendships forged there often lasted for life.
Among the seven hundred and fifty boys statistically seventy-five of them were gay. The number might well have been higher because the School's relaxed and tolerant reputation towards homosexual boys was among its recruiting factors. However, that number may well have officially been fewer as not every gay boy was out, even to himself, and not every pupil had yet reached the time in his life where he had discovered his sexuality. For all that it was the gay community which naturally came under suspicion for Speedy Gonzales's attacks and strangely, surprise factor apart, the victims found those attacks pleasurable. Such was the dilemma within the community.
Adrian Kemp and Barnaby Coules were in their fourth year at St Barnabas College, having entered the sixth form after a successful spread of GCSEs. Not only had Aidie and Barney roomed together since their first day at the college, but they had undergone the familiar process of becoming friends, discovering each other's sexuality, then friendship becoming boyfriendship. Indeed they were regarded by the school community as one of the many 'happily married couples' and to boot since Ernie Wood and Joe Sparks had left from the Upper Sixth the term before as the 'Godfathers' of the School's gay community. They were looked up to for the help and advice they gave to the younger boys, aided by the fact that as an established couple they were not regarded as predatory, that Barney was tipped to be Captain of the 1st XV the following year and Aidie had represented the county at cricket at U15 and U16 level, thus gaining the respect of the str8s as well as the gays at St Barnabas.
"Hey, Adie. it's happened again," shouted Barney breathlessly as he burst through the door of their study, almost forgetting to open it first.
"What's happened again?" enquired Adie calmly, almost laconically, as he looked up from the German set book that he was struggling with.
"Speedy Gonzales has struck again."
"Oh? Where and when?" Barney had been on supper duty. He'd been helping to usher out the lower orders.
"In the corridor outside the dining hall. Usual thing, crowds of people around, a sudden squeal and Speedy Gonzales made his escape under the ensuing mayhem. Art the Tart..." (Arthur Sixpence, Year 9, a well known courtesan among older boys) "Art the Tart was right in the middle of it, but holding an over full jam sandwich in one hand and a cream doughnut in the other he couldn't possibly have done it without leaving guilty traces of strawberry jam and whipped cream behind. Anyway, I calmed things down and said I would look into it. But quite frankly, what can I do? I was there right on top of it and I'm as baffled as everyone one else."
"Mmm, this is number six," mused Adie "and we're no further forward. Do you think it's time to open the Kemp and Coules Detective Agency?"
"Coules and Kemp," retorted Barney.
"Pardon?"
"Coules and Kemp Detective Agency... they always do these things in alphabetical order like Marks and Spencer, Fortnum and Mason."
"Laurel and Hardy, Tom and Jerry?"
"Whatever. I don't care," said Barney. "Kemp and Coules as you thought of it." This sort of argument was always on the level of a piss-take and never serious. It was a sign of the great friendship that had grown up between the two boys. "Any road up," continued Barney "I think it's a great idea, especially as it's putting pressure on the gay community at the moment and bringing it into disrepute."
Adie put his Thomas Mann Novelle down and said "No time like the present. We'd better get started. What's the first thing to do?"
"Interview the victim."
"Right. When are you on duty till?"
"Prayers." Adie looked at his watch.
"That gives us an hour. Do you know victim's name?"
"Yes, Duncan White." Adie grabbed his School Guide and ran his finger down the alphabetical list of pupils.
"He's in Walpole House. You carry on with your house duty and I'll take a stroll over to Walpole and have a word with our chum Jimmy Waterman and see if I can get him to bring young White over to us after Prayers... No! I've got a better idea. I'll arrange for us to go over to Walpole. That should be less daunting for the boy. I wonder if I've got Jimmy's mobile number. Meanwhile I must get these three chapters read for tomorrow first period." Barney went about his house duty and left Adie to his phoning and reading.
Str8 after Prayers Adie and Barney popped into their Housemaster's study to mention that they would be out of the House for half an hour and where they were going. They didn't say why. Sixth formers were allowed out after Prayers, but it was established etiquette to let a member of staff know. Those below the Sixth had positively to seek permission. The two walked through the school grounds their hands knocking against each other and occasionally grabbing a finger for a nanosecond and letting go. At that time of year the sun had been down for some time, but all the pathways were well lit for since it was a boarding school activity went on until shortly before bedtime. Adie and Barney caught sight of Art the Tart leaning against a tree entertaining a sixth former, but could not make out who it was.
"I wonder how he gets permission to leave the House after Prayers," said Barney.
"Oh, I expect he goes into the duty man's study and says 'Sir, may I go out, please. I've got this date to wank off Jones senior from Asquith House behind the CCF hut and I know he'll be disappointed if I can't make it.'" Art the Tart didn't confine his tarting to senior boys. He knew he just had to bat his eyelids to his schoolmasters. "'Yes, certainly, Arthur, and don't be late for bed.'"
"Oh, do you think that's how it's done?" replied Barney, playing along with Adie in their fantasy comedy sketch.
Within five minutes they had reached Walpole and Jimmy Waterman was waiting for them at the front door. He had already secured permission for Adie and Barney to visit and said he had Duncan White waiting for them in the library. The library was a quiet workroom for private study, so they knew they wouldn't be disturbed by anyone else there. Jimmy introduced Duncan. First impressions were that he was an average third former, neither particularly good looking nor ugly, an odd patch of acne, not tall, not short. His voice had the usual coarseness heard after breaking and before it settled down. In fact he was the kind of boy who wouldn't stand out in a crowd which led to the question of why Speedy Gonzales had picked on him.
"Hallo, Duncan," said Adie as he and Barney were introduced. "We gather you've had a little adventure this afternoon."
"Don't be afraid," said Barney. "We're just anxious to find out who's doing this and we need any help you can give us." Adie continued.
"Duncan, can you tell us in your own words what happened this evening?" Duncan was quite articulate, especially considering the experience he'd been through.
"I was leaving the dining room after supper with everyone else, just chatting with no one in particular. I don't even remember who was there. Because of the bottleneck in the corridor we were all pressed together and more or less going along as one body. Then suddenly I felt someone groping my testicles. It only lasted a second or two and when I squealed out, people stopped, made a space and turned round and stared."
"And you've no idea who could have done it?"
"No, but I haven't told you the strange thing. Whoever did it unzipped my flies first and got his hand through the gap in my boxers. I distinctly felt the skin and warmth of his hand. and I didn't even notice my zip being pulled down."
"What trousers were you wearing?" said Barney.
"Normal school uniform trousers."
"Can we see them?' asked Adie. While Duncan was fetching them, Jimmy who was sitting quietly in a corner out of the way said
"Quite a puzzler, isn't it? His explanation seems pretty much the same as the others."
"Does anyone know the names of the others?" asked Barney. Between us we managed four of the five and Adie wrote them down on his note pad. Duncan returned trousers in hand. Adie took and examined them and tried the zip, but off the body it stuck.
"Do you mind putting them on?" said Adie. As he changed our boys tried not to notice as his dick fell out through the slit of his boxers, but failed dismally. 'Five inches and cut - that's unusual' thought Barney. 'Four inches and circumcised - not bad for a Year 9 boy' Adie wrote on his pad. 'Don't see many of those,' he thought. When Duncan had his school trousers on, Adie said "It's all right. I'm not going to rape you. You don't get that twice in one day. I just want to see how loose or tight the zip is." The zip didn't stick, but it wasn't particularly loose either.
"That must have taken some skill," said Barney. "You see it took you two hands, Adie, and since Duncan didn't feel it being pulled down can we assume that Speedy Gonzales..." Duncan gave a spontaneous giggle. He hadn't heard the culprit called that before. "...used just one hand?"
"Which then means that he might not even have been facing Duncan," added Adie. "How do you feel about the incident now, Duncan?"
"Okay really. It was the surprise that made me shout out. In fact..." He gave a self-conscious laugh. "I fact I almost enjoyed it. It didn't hurt and felt quite pleasant... exciting. The only thing that's been worrying me is that because I liked it I might be gay."
"I shouldn't worry about that. If you are, you'll know, said Barney.
"And it hasn't done us any harm," added Adie with a cheeky look at Barney. "Thanks for talking to us, Duncan. The main thing is not to worry. It's happened and I doubt whether it will happen to you again." Duncan nearly looked disappointed. "And if you think we can help you, don't hesitate to ask. If you don't see us about the place, Jimmy will put us in touch." Jimmy nodded his agreement.
Adie and Barney thanked him for facilitating the meeting and walked back to the House. Art the Tart and his client had disappeared and whatever nefarious deed was being negotiated earlier had probably been carried out by now. They reported in and returned to their room.
"Well, where does get us?" said Adie.
"At least we have had a first hand account. I don't think we can make any progress until we have spoken to the other five."
"It's a question of elimination."
"What? One in seven hundred and fifty... and that's assuming that Speedy Gonzales is a pupil."
"You think he could be an outsider? Or she. If it's an outsider we have to consider that possibility too. But no, personally I don't think it's an outsider, certainly not tonight, but logically we can't eliminate it."
"Let's see who we can eliminate," said Barney. "Members of staff – just for the record. There weren't any around, tonight at least."
"You and me presumably."
"Just for the record," Barney repeated grinning.
"The five victims."
"Unless... unless one of them thought 'Mmm, that's a good idea and started getting his revenge."
"I've had a thought," said Adie. "I need an IT project for my coursework. I'm going to make a database. I'll check tomorrow to see if it'll count, but I'm going to do it anyway. It'll be a bit of a drag putting seven hundred and fifty names in and we'll talk about the fields we need once the names are in." Adie unlocked the drawer under his bed and hauled out his MacBook. "This'll be a good trial of the machine. I haven't stretched its power yet since I was given it." He set up the database and put in ten names before tiredness overcame him and he said "Barney, I'm turning in." Barney gave his friend a look. "No, not tonight, Barney. I'm too knackered."
The boys went to the sixth form bathroom on their floor and cleaned their teeth. Back in their room they undressed for bed. Fire regulations forbade sleeping naked, a disappointment our boys had overcome in their own original way without anyone else finding out. They had bought themselves a couple of the shortest tanktops they could find and wore them in bed. As a guard against the dreaded termly fire drill in the middle of the night, and of course the real thing, they each kept a spare pair of boxer shorts in their dressing gown pockets. Dressing gowns were a named part of the drill and always to be kept handy. They were of course also needed for going for a pee in the middle of the night. They were reasonably relaxed as this term's fire drill had already taken place. Barney kissed his boyfriend good night on the forehead, but Adie was already asleep. He put out the light and climbed into this own bed.
The morrow was Friday. Get through that and the weekend lay ahead. St Barnabas College was pretty relaxed at the weekend. The ethos was that it may be a boarding school, but it was the pupils' 'home' as well as 'workplace'. School finished early and prep brought forward so that supper marked the beginning of the weekend. Adie and Barney's only commitments were school rugby matches on Saturday morning and school chapel on Sunday morning for an hour. The communal alarm bell rang at a quarter to seven and Barney woke to find that Adie had climbed into his bed and was snuggled up against him.
"Hey, wake up, lazybones," said Barney and ruffled Adie's hair. "Are sure that you're not Speedy Gonzales?" he asked as he felt Adie's hand creep under his balls on its way to stroke his morning wood. "You'll have to leave that now. No time. You had your chance last night." Adie smile at him, gave him a peck on the lips and a slight groan. They stripped off their tanktops, wrapped towels around themselves and made their way to the sixth form bathroom for their showers.
The talk at breakfast was still of the previous evening's incident. Adie and Barney kept their counsel as regards being self-appointed investigators into the Speedy Gonzales Affair and were prepared simply to listen to the chit chat going on around them. Their interest in the case would soon get around and should they be successful in solving it, the kudos would be great. The other side of the coin was that if they made a big thing about it and failed there was nowhere to hide in a boarding school. On their way to chapel assembly Art the Tart minced his way up to them, smiled and batted his eyelids, and wished them good morning. He knew there would be no custom there, but had come to a business decision it would be a good idea to keep in with the Godfathers.
"Morning, Art. Good trade last night?"
"Ask me next week. He was a first timer, a little investment. He tasted good, though," added Art to provoke a response.
"Oh, cream on the tart?" quipped Barney, but no expression of disgust, surprise or even approbation was forthcoming. In three and a bit years Adie and Barney had seen it all, or so they thought. After chapel they returned to the house to pick up their belongings before making their way to separate classes.
"See you at break," said Adie and gave his partner an affectionate pat on the bottom. They would have kissed, but that in public would have gone beyond the pale even at the tolerant St Barnabas College, or at least it would have before the sun was over the yardarm.
At break they met again in the Sixth Form centre and decided to go and sit on the benches outside the cricket pavilion.
"Any progress this morning?" asked Adie.
"Not a lot. I've found out the name of the final victim and who reported it. How about you?"
"Two things. Tucks (Mr Tucker the IT master) is going to allow me to use our investigation as my IT project and better still he gave me a basic database with every pupil's name on it so that I don't have to fill in seven hundred and fifty names."
"That's great. Let's get all our work out of the way in prep and then we can start in dead earnest after supper."
"Necrophilia," interjected Barney.
"What?"
"Necrophilia... two worms making love in dead earnest."
"Is this what they mean by 'for better, for worse'?"
"You do love me still?"
"Mmm... maybe. You'll have to wait until tonight for me to prove it, though." The first bell rang for the end of break.
"How did the Thomas Mann go?"
"All right... just about. See you for lunch," and Adie stroked the inside of Barney's thigh before he got up to go to his next lesson.
After supper the hard graft of the case had to start. They didn't really have a plan of campaign.
"Let's get this database set up," said Adie. He unlocked the drawer under his bed and took out his MacBook. The database from Mr Tucker had already been loaded.
"What fields do we need?"
"Eliminated. Make it a tick box," said Barney.
"Hey, Tucks is great. He's already put 'house' and 'form' on there."
"We haven't really got much information to input."
"No, we haven't got much information period. By the way we'd better have a field for comments or findings."
"Who are we going to put in the 'eliminated' box?"
"Just us two and Duncan White for the moment. I'd like to talk to the other victims before we eliminate them."
"You don't supposed groping could have become one of those crazes that just catch on round the school from time to time?"
"What are you trying to say, Barney?"
"That there could possibly be more than one Speedy Gonzales."
"Mmm, interesting. We'll certainly have to bear that in mind when we're talking to them."
"Let's make an executive decision and assume that the victims have not been taking revenge or copying. So tick them as eliminated and also put a field for 'victims' description' as Speedy might go for blonds or kids with glasses."
"White doesn't wear glasses."
"I know, but that was just an example."
"Now you were present at the last attack. Is there anyone you can one hundred percent eliminate?"
"Not really, it all happened so fast. Only one – Art the Tart."
"Arthur Sixpence," said Adie half to himself as he ticked eliminated by by his name. "And if we were to be guided by our prejudices he would be number one suspect."
"Not really," objected Barney. "It's not his style and anyway he's getting thrills and spills enough without having to resort to an attack."
"I suppose so. You've got to give it to him. He's a slick and very professional operator and he wouldn't want to risk his 'business arrangements'."
"That gives me an idea. Because any upset of this kind could reflect on his business, he's got an interest and so he might want to become our eyes and ears. Put him on the list for an interview."
"Right, let's list the other victims."
"In order of attack, Samuel Perks, Peter Lacey, David Porlock, Martin Medway and Jeremy Smallpeace."
"Which one reported the attack?"
"Martin Medway."
"What do you know about them?"
"Samuel Perks is a stunning beauty in Year 10. I wouldn't mind groping him myself and a bit more..." Adie gave Barney a look. "...if I did not already have the most gorgeous boy in the school as my boyfriend." They both burst out laughing at their silliness. "Peter Lacey is also Year 10. You must know him... fat, greasy skin, oily hair, oily character. The one in School House that no one can stand."
"Oh yes, everybody knows him. He's the one with a room to himself because no one will share with him. Speedy must have been particularly hard up to want to grope him."
"But I don't know any of the others."
"I know Martin Medway. He's in Year 9 and is terribly prim and proper. I'm not surprised that he's the one that reported the incident."
"I think the next thing to do is talk to them. Friday, so late Prayers. With luck we can get through all of them tonight. Let's see which houses they're in. Perks and Medway are in Palmerston, Porlock in Disraeli and Smallpeace in Gladstone."
"Time to test whether the gay underground network actually works."
Taking two calls each they arranged with their intimate chums in each house to see the boys concerned. They thought they would see Lacey first and get that doubtful pleasure out of the way. They let the duty master know what they were about and made their way across to School House. This was the only house not named after a former prime minister, earning that privilege by being the original boarding house in the days of yore. Apart from the different nomenclature it was on a par with the other fifteen houses. At that particular time its strength lay in drama reflecting the interests of the Housemaster and since his incumbency it had regularly won the house drama competition. It had also tended to become the repository of many a new boy who had arrived with the reputation for being gay and their house dramas were strong in transvestite girls' rôles and the romances which inevitably followed at that time of year when the house productions were being rehearsed.
"I wonder whether the culprit resides here," mused Barney giving in to the House's reputation.
"Now now," said Adie. "We've got to approach this case with completely open minds. Speedy could just as easily reside on the floor below us in Thatcher House." Thatcher House was the last of the boarding houses to be established and was named after the governing prime minister of the time with the overwhelming approval of the Old Boys who financed it.
Barney rang the bell of School House and our two intrepid detectives were warmly greeted by arch thespian Dorian Grayscott and invited in with a flourish.
"Darlings, so nice to meet you socially after all this time. Why don't come and take tea with me in my study?"
"Sorry, Dorrie, we're here on business," said Adie. "But we'd love to accept on another occasion. Adie Kemp and Barney Coules, School Detective Agency, unincorporated of course."
"I know, darlings. How could you ask me to deal with that loathsome Lacey creature? He gives us queens a bad name. You know you owe Dorrie a huge, huge favour?"
"We know, Dorrie, and once this is over you can call on us any time."
"You don't know what you're saying, Adie, my dear. Hey ho. It's in the library waiting for you. I won't stay if you don't mind. One never knows what one might catch. I shall be in my study. You know where to find me and the kettle will be on."
"I suppose before one of their bijou playets they tell each other to break a fingernail," commented Barney when Dorian had disappeared. Adie opened the door and they went in to be greeted by a glowering pustulous Lacey. Barney felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end, but both kept a civil tongue as they knew they might be depending on him for vital information.
"Peter," said Adie, the word Peter sticking in his gullet, "thank you for seeing us. We're looking into these attacks and as you were one of the victims we wondered if you could help." A lecherous grin came over his face. He told them when, where and how. He didn't know who did it. No, he didn't remember who was around him at the time. How did he feel about it?
"Cheated," he said with some resentment. "If someone wants to feel my balls all they've got to do is ask, and perhaps go a bit further." He gave a knowing leer when he said that. "But to be assaulted, dumped just as it gets interesting and not have the slightest idea who did it is just not on." Barney wondered if he permitted his conquests the same courtesy, but came to the conclusion that few of his 'partners in crime' were unlikely to go public, unless they been forced to do something against their will, and as nobody had, he must possess an attraction or charms unsuspected by the regular, decent world.
"Thank you, Peter," said Barney. "You've been a great help." 'He hadn't been,' thought Adie. Barney and Adie knocked at Dorian's study door and were warmly invited in.
"Earl Grey or Jasmine, darlings?"
"We can't stay, Dorrie. Work to be done," said Adie.
"Another time."
"Such a pity. Cultured conversation is so hard to come by in this house."
Adie and Barney moved on to Palmerston to see Perks and Medway.
"This should be more interesting," remarked Barney.
"Keep that zip of yours firmly fastened," warned Adie.
"It'll make a nice change after that last one." They met Samuel Perks first. The contrast couldn't have been greater and provided one of the great enigmas behind Speedy's motivation. Whatever you found attractive in a boy, Sam had it, a handsome and noble face with bright blue eyes beneath a jet black thatch, a beautifully shaped butt and a bulging package even in well-fitting trousers. Both Adie and Barney betrayed heir interest as their mouths gaped. Sam's interview was the one which took the longest. He was no stranger to them; he was no stranger to anyone in the school ever since his arrival over a year ago. He simply stood out in a crowd and what made it frustrating was that he was rumoured to be heterosexual. The only boy who had succeeded in getting his hand inside his Calvin Kleins was Speedy Gonzales. Not that young Perks was naïve; he had received a thorough theoretical grounding in the ways of boys behaving like boys together, but he had maintained his honour and was hard enough to defend it with his fists if necessary, after which it was respected. Even Art the Tart had been heard to say thank goodness, or he would have had a serious rival to his business.
"Sam, tell us in your own words what happened."
"It was after chapel and raining. Because of the rain everyone was bunching up inside the porch and hurrying once outside. I'd just got through the door, a sudden gust of wind blew the rain into my eyes and blinded me. Then it happened. It was so quick and in the time it took me to blink and clear my eyes he had gone. No one there had seen it happened. One kid pointed at me and told me my flies were undone. That's about it."
"Did it hurt at all?"
"Oddly, no. It was like being at the doctor's when he gives you a cough and drop. I certainly didn't enjoy it. Or strangely maybe I did. I don't know."
"You were the first victim, weren't you?" asked Adie.
"That's right."
"Why didn't you report it?" Sam thought for a few moments.
"Two reasons I suppose. What was there to report? I wasn't hurt, there was no one to point the finger at and secondly it would have been a bit wimpish. I was always taught to stick up for myself. Don't forget that it was the first time anything like that had happened. Now that it's part of a pattern I probably would."
"We're going to ask you another question," said Adie. "We don't intend you to feel insulted and please, if you don't want to answer the question, say so rather than not tell the truth."
"Okay."
"You know there are a lot of gay pupils in the school?" Sam nodded. "Are you gay yourself?"
"No way, and let's face it I'd had plenty of opportunity, if I were."
"Fine," said Barney "we have to ask that question to find out whether any of the victims might have encouraged the perpetrator."
"Is there anything you want to ask us?"
"Why are you looking for Speedy Gonzales instead of, say, the Second Master or the Housemasters?"
"We don't know what the staff are doing and we believe they are just as baffled as we are and simply don't know what to do. We on the other hand think we can get nearer to the problem because boys will tell us stuff they won't say to a master."
"The other reason," continued Barney " goes back to the gay community we mentioned. We're lucky in this school because we coexist peaceably, not like in some schools, and we want it to continue that way. Gonzales is obviously gay, or his acts are, and we don't want any gay-bashing to break out. The other thing is we police our own and if necessary show them the correct way to behave."
"So you two are gay. I'd never have guessed that."
"We're not all Julian Clarys or flaming drama queens in pink chiffon." Sam loosened up a bit and laughed.
"Thanks, Sam" said Adie. "Anything you can tell us or find out, let us know. You can catch us in Thatcher House. Would you ask Master Medway to walk this way?"
"We ought to get some business cards printed," said Barney.
"I hope this affair is going to be solved before we can get round to doing that." A knock at the door.
"Come in." A boy in full school uniform, usually discarded by this time on a Friday, tie immaculately knotted entered the room. Barney felt like asking why he wasn't wearing a school cap.
"Martin Medway I presume," said Adie. "We're Adie and Barney..."
"I know who you are. I know the names of every boy in the school." 'And their birth dates and bath nights,' surmised Barney, but kept the thought to himself.
"We are looking into this business of boys being sexually molested," said Adie "and we hope you can help us." It was odd the way they modified their language when talking to Medway.
"I've already told my Housemaster everything I know. I assume the staff are looking into it." 'This could be a long interview,' thought Barney.
"That may be so, but we're in a position to take a different line of enquiries and we wish to protect the interest of our friends." The boys went through the familiar routine of questions.
"Are you gay?" asked Barney.
"Certainly not," retorted Medway. 'I bet he's not hetero either,' thought Barney. 'Some sort of human automaton.'
"What did it feel like when you were attacked?" asked Adie.
"Not as unpleasant as I thought it would." Here the automaton blushed. 'He is human after all,' wrote Barney on his pad.
"You were the only one who reported the incident," said Barney. "Why was that?"
"I think a pupil at a school of this standing should be able to walk around its premises without the fear of being molested, violated even." 'Obvious really,' thought Barney.
"Thank you, Martin," said Adie. "You gave been of great assistance." The psychology was good. After he'd gone Adie said "He's grown old before his time," to our contact from Palmerston who had been quietly sitting in the corner during the interview.
"Oddly enough he is very popular in the house for being just what he is. I've got some coffee on the go."
"I could do with some," said Barney.
"A very quick one," said Adie. "We've still got two others to see and less than an hour before Prayers."
The interviews with Porlock and Smallpeace proceeded in a similar vein except that Porlock, albeit small for his age was the only Year 11 boy involved. Adie and Barney returned to their house just as roll call was taking place prior to Prayers. Afterwards they popped in to see their Housemaster to appraise him of what they had done and to keep him onside. When they eventually got back to their room Adie announced
"I'm all in. I think this can wait until tomorrow."
"And we've got a match at ten. Early breakfast, an hour to discuss and plan, then rugby."
"We need to go into town tomorrow afternoon. Our 'supplies' are getting low." The school tuck shop was good for supplies of food, stationery and basic items, but the 'supplies' Barney and Adie needed were only available from the stores in town. The boys showered, locked their study door and got ready for bed.
"Yours or mine?" said Adie.
"Mine," said Barney and dressed only in their nighttime tanktops they climbed into Barney's bed.
Saturday and Sunday mornings there was no general alarm call. The boys had to set their own. Adie and Barney awoke experiencing a great wave of sexual and emotional satisfaction. If over the years their social relationship ever became fraught they knew that a night together in the same bed would be like clicking on the default button and in the morning everything would be back to normal between them. They recognised the sexual chemistry between them, but the emotional bond was far deeper and as it only came under stress during the school holidays, they did not realise how strong it really was. They rose without further ado, showered and dressed. Uniform was de rigueur when representing the School although at weekends casual dress was otherwise the order of the day.
"I bet Medway will be wearing his too," said Barney. They met him on their way to breakfast and it was true, he was. "I told you, Adie."
They said "Good morning, Martin."
"Good morning, Coules and Kemp," came the formal reply. Then they noticed that he was carrying a sports bag with his kit, joining the other boys who were on their way to the coach that was to take them to the away matches.
"That was another useful lesson in not prejudging any issues," said Adie. They didn't discuss the Speedy Gonzales Affair over breakfast as they deemed it important to keep their thoughts on the matter to themselves.
Back in their room Adie got out his MacBook laptop and opened the 'SG' folder.
"What do we know?" asked Adie.
"With the exception of Porlock, who is small for his age, the victims are from Years 9 and 10."
"What can we infer from that?"
"Speedy Gonzales does not go for the older boy."
"What else?"
"That he doesn't discriminate on types, providing the boy is – or he thinks he is – within his AoA."
"AoA?"
"Age of attraction."
"Oh yes. I forgot. I'm going to type all that in, but I'm also going to put in an alternative thesis," said Adie. "That he goes for 'characters'."
"What do you mean?"
"People that stand out. Look at it like this. Perks – one of the prettiest boys in the school, desired by many, 'entertained' by none, but violated by Speedy. At the other end of the scale Lacey, the most repulsive and probably the most promiscuous boy in the school."
"Don't forget either that he is the only gay victim."
"No, that's unfortunate for it only serves to muddy the waters."
"But even so, it could be significant."
"Porlock – U15 and U16 1500m school record holder as an U15, and despite his lack of stature, county cross-country runner."
"Looks fantastic in white running kit."
"Barney, for goodness' sake stop looking at the victims through the hole in your dick."
"Why? Speedy obviously does."
"Humph!" Adie had to concede. "Medway – top academic scholarship for his year, Smallpeace – grade 8 pianist in Year 9, College sub-organist in chapel and finally White. I can't think of anything special about him. There may be, but I just don't know him. We should have asked, but we hadn't come to any conclusions when we spoke to him."
"Okay, Adie, we've come to some positive conclusions and we're in agreement about what's certain and what's speculation. I now want come to a negative conclusion."
"Go on."
"Each crime was committed at a place and time of high volume of boy traffic."
"Yees?"
"On each occasion it was a time when the Sixth Form had already left or weren't around – chapel, dining room, quadrangle at break. The only sixth formers about were on duty like me outside the dining room and none of the victims has ever implicated a sixth former, highly conspicuous because of their darker uniforms. Can we therefore eliminate them from our enquiries?" Adie thought for a moment.
"I think that's reasonable, providing we bear in mind the possibility that we might be wrong. Good idea. That will reduce the suspects by three hundred." Barney looked at his watch.
"We'd better get going or we'll be in trouble."
"We'll go on discussing this after lunch. Not a mention of it in the changing room."
"The only two things I shall talk about there are the game and what a wonderful lover you were last night."
"I wouldn't if you want people to carry on changing near you." Adie locked his laptop away, they both picked up their kit bags and walked towards the playing fields.
St Barnabas College was a haven compared with most secondary schools in the kingdom. In the second half of the 20th century and the few years of this one it had been built on consensus under enlightened headmasters who entrusted much of the day to day non-academic running to the senior boys. If you approached the establishment from the outside, other than through the main gate you would have been met by a high double fence mounted with razor wire which gave it the daunting appearance of a prison. However, this was completely the wrong impression. It was there to keep the outside world out and make the college grounds a place of safety where the pupils could come and go as they pleased and there was no need to keep the boarding houses and facilities under permanent lock and key. That was why the personal attacks that had taken place were such an enormity. Even after lock up any pupil had the freedom to walk to one of the official exits, pass through the heavily barred turnstile and he would find himself in the outside world. Once there where would he go? The nearest town was fifteen miles away with a sparse bus service during the working day only, no pubs or shops close by. When he wanted to return his problems began for there was no way in before morning other than by rousing the caretaker or his wife from the gatehouse which required positive identification for the switch which allowed the turnstile to reverse to be pressed. That positive identification would be in the school office by nine o'clock on the next working morning and in the Second Master's intray by 9.15 for further action. While the Housemasters were in charge of discipline within their houses he controlled it in the school as a whole, particularly when it involved inter-house personnel. A summons to appear before the Headmaster was an extremely rare and scarcely needed occasion usually requiring the severity of suspension or expulsion. The succeeding Heads had ruled with a philosophy of few written rules, but strictly applied. The firs t rule of 'Thou shalt obey the Ten Commandments and the Civil Law' removed the need for many petty regulations including the authority of the staff, theft, drinking and smoking.
It was after lunch before Barney and Adie met up again. It would have been taken with their corresponding teams and their opponents and the team members were not free until their opponents' coach had motored through the main gate. The first XV for which Barney exceptionally as a Lower Sixth former played had won their match, the Seconds, for which Adie played had lost. With three hundred boys to choose from, a regular place in any of the senior teams had to be earnt and the competition was fierce. After dropping their dirty kit in at the school laundry the boys walked back to their house together. They would dearly have rested on their beds that afternoon such were the exertions of the matches, but they had things to do, places to go, but fortunately no people to see. They changed out of uniform and went to catch the school bus into town. Throughout Saturday and to a lesser extent on Sunday a shuttle service ran into town. Once on the bus Adie and Barney talked about their respective matches. In town they visited the hole in the wall to buy some cash and to top up their mobiles, then immediately walked to Boots the Chemist to stock up on their 'supplies'. They had almost an hour before the bus came back for the return journey.
They went into W H Smith's to buy some birthday cards. As they were selecting them, Barney nudged Adie and sai
"Isn't that one of ours?" They looked across the racks at a boy about fifteen or so who was climbing up on a wheel stool to take a magazine down from the top shelf.
"That's right. I've seen him around. New this year I think, but I don't know who he is though." And as they watched him they saw him palm the magazine inside his jacket. A second later there would have been nothing to see.
"C'mon," said Adie. They quickly dived round either side of the rack and flanked him.
"I think you'd better pay for that magazine, don't you?" said Barney
"What magazine?"
"The one inside your jacket."
"I bought it down the road at another shop."
"Well tried, but we saw you palm it," said Adie.
"What's it got to do with you?"
"We're from St Barnabas as well, and we don't do that sort of thing there, that's what." He tried to do a bunk, but Barney had a firm grip on his arm.
"Now that's silly. So what's it to be? Paying for it, talking to the security guard over there in that nice red jumper and cap, or discussing it back at school?"
"I haven't got enough money to pay for it."
"Name?" said Adie.
"I'm not telling you."
"Now that's silly as well. You're a marked man at St Barnabas now and we were going to offer to pay for the mag so that you could pay us back later," said Barney. "Which is it to be?"
"Okay, guys, it's Johnson, Mark Johnson."
"House?" said Barney.
"School House."
"Fine, you're coming across to the check out with us. It's no use doing a bunk. You've got to come home eventually," said Barney. A copy of GY magazine appeared as quickly as it had disappeared. Adie and Barney gave each other a look over Johnson's head, and smiled.
"So he is one of us," said Adie. Johnson handed the cashier the magazine, Barney stumped up with the readies and the cashier handed it back to Johnson in a plastic carrier.
When they were outside the shop, the tension eased.
"You're coming back to school on the three o'clock bus with us so that you can't create any more havoc," said Barney.
"So you're gay, are you?" asked Adie.
"No... er... I mean yes," stammered Johnson realising that his reading matter had given him away.
"Don't worry. You're among friends."
"Have you shoplifted anything else?" asked Barney.
"No." Barney gave him a hard stare. "No, honest. It's just that I couldn't hand GY mag to the cashier. I was too ashamed."
"It's no use being ashamed," said Adie. "It's a fact of life you've got to learn to handle and stealing isn't the way to handle it." They reached the car park where the bus was waiting to pick them up. They let Johnson get on, then they followed and sat away from him. When they got off Johnson turned towards them and said
"What are you going to do with me?"
"Nothing at the moment," said Barney.
"The magazine was paid for and so no crime was actually committed. What happens next depends on whether you pay me back or not."
"Gosh, thanks, guys. I will," and he cleared off towards School House.
"Well, the Kemp and Coules Detective Agency has at least solved one crime," said Adie.
"Or prevented it," added Barney.
Back in their room Adie announced
"I think it's time for tea."
"But we never make tea," interjected Barney.
"I said nothing about making it," answered Adie picking up his mobile.
«Dorian Attwell Grayscott.»
"Dorrie, darling, Mohammed is at last coming to the mountain. Is the kettle on?"
«Only if you are bringing that adorable husband of yours...»
"Indeed."
«to exude the smell of mud, sweat and liniment all over me.»
"We'll try, Dorrie. See you in ten."
"What's this all about?" enquired Barney.
"I'm in Quasimodo mode. I've got a hunch. We have a little unfinished business to attend to." The boys made their way across to School House. They were welcomed with open arms or rather a tight embrace and a kiss on the cheek by Dorian in the corridor outside his study.
"Adie and Barney, this is indeed an honour and no doubt has a purpose which we will not even broach until after tea. You will then have my undivided attention. My roomie is in town somewhere, probably chasing a bitch on heat in some less salubrious quarter. How can he after all the education I have lavished on him? He's no use to Dorian whatsoever."
"Except that he's remained your faithful roommate over the years," countered Barney. Dorian pouted, then proceeded to perform the tea ritual.
"Jasmine, I'm afraid. I'm flat out of Earl Grey until my cohabiter returns." Our boys looked at the green liquid in bowls rather than cups with some distaste. "Don't knock it until you have tried it, luvvies, don't knock it." Barney and Adie were surprised.
"A very pleasant drink," conceded Adie "if you don't call it tea."
"Always the double edged sword, my dear. Now tell me, Adrian... I may call you Adrian, may I not? It helps me to take you more seriously and I gather your visit is not of a frivolous nature. Tell me, Adrian, how is your struggle with Thomas Mann?" The discussion lasted until the tea ritual was at its end. "Now, boys, your problem." Barney undertook the explanation.
"We made the acquaintance of one Mark Johnson of School House in town." Barney continued to recount the happenings in W H Smith's up to the return to school. "What can you tell us about him, Dorrie?"
"Well, he bats for our side so he can't be entirely evil."
"We gathered that from his choice of reading material," said Adie.
"He's new this term, Year 10. Sent here because the yahoos at his last school did not appreciated a boy of our sensitive nature, and apart from one skill he keeps himself pretty invisible. No trouble."
"How does he get on with his roommate?"
"That I shall have to relay to you later."
"You mentioned this one skill?"
"Oh yes. He does magic."
"Magic?"
"Yes, conjuring tricks, distraction strategies, making things and people disappear in top hats, and does them rather well, I gather."
"His sleight of hand with that magazine needs polishing," remarked Barney.
"Ah, but he didn't consider himself under scrutiny as he does with his tricks," said Adie. "Anyway, I disagree. It was just his bad luck that we saw him."
"Is he popular in the house?"
"Now dear, you're asking the wrong person. Certain persons apart, and I have no need to mention names, if they have a dick and two balls of viable size between their legs they're popular with me. Which brings me on to that huge, huge favour you promised me."
"Oh, here it comes," said Adie.
"You see," Dorian continued "Dorrie's little boyhole has been rather neglected of late and needs the urgent attention of, dare I say it, two hunky rugger buggers. That is what you two were up to in the forenoon, I take it?" Adie looked across at Barney and Barney looked across at Adie. Barney shrugged his shoulders and Adie leant his head on one side and pushed his bottom lip forward. "I assume that is a yes," asserted Dorian "and any second thoughts will disappear once you smell and feel this new lavender oil I have. Just leave your clothes there on the chair," said Dorian as he bolted the door.
"Better than masturbation, I suppose," remarked Barney as the two boys took the return path to their house.
"Much better," retorted Adie. "You nearly made me come off without any help just watching you in action. You were much rougher with Dorian than you are with me."
"He wanted hunky rugger bugger, he got hunky rugger bugger." Just as they arrived at their room the bell rang for Saturday high tea. They decided after tea to give the whole Speedy Gonzales affair a rest, go to the weekly film the school showed in the Great Hall and, despite their earlier activity with Dorian, have an early night.
"That just got the excess water off our bellies," remarked Adie. "But the lavender oil was a nice touch."
Sunday went by peaceably. After chapel Barney and Adie hung around as the lower forms left in case Gonzales struck again. They realised that their presence might well have a preventative effect, but that was no bad thing except that they still had so little to go on. Adie spent the rest of the morning updating the database on his laptop and writing up the report so far for his IT project. Barney went swimming and was accosted by Art the Tart looking gorgeous in multicoloured speedos.
"No bookings this morning, Arthur?"
"Sunday is a day of rest, even in my profession, or at least it is sometimes." He lowered his voice. "I don't suppose I can tempt you to a quickie in the changing rooms?"
"Thank you for asking, Art, but as you, the world and his wife know, I am in a steady relationship, but should it ever break down, you can rely on me to seek tour services at the earliest opportunity."
"I won't hold my breath," he said as he dived from the side into the pool.
"You'll drown if you don't," retorted Barney as Art resurfaced. Art gave him the sweetest of smiles and swam off to seek his quickie elsewhere. Barney took the opportunity to socialise with his fellow sixth formers. Both he and Adie realised the danger of excluding themselves from the mainstream because of their relationship and they had been rather single-minded over the past few days owing to the Gonzales Affair. They both would amend that after lunch as they had arranged with half a dozen or so others to go for a country walk. It would probably end up at the local lake which, teeming with wildfowl and fish, gave them something to look out for, and if they were extremely lucky they might even see a water vole dash along the banks.
Monday passed as Monday passes. Adie had to admit that his database hadn't really helped yet as they still had four hundred and forty-two boys to eliminate. After supper Adie and Barney settled down to catch up with their A-level work. Half an hour later Adie's mobile rang
«Dorian Attwell Grayscott speaking. I think you and that gorgeous husband of yours should hotfoot it across the School House. Another of those dreadful incidents has taken place, and in our backyard.»
"We're on our way." Adie collected his sleuth's gear together and Barney scribbled a note to the master on duty, which he thrust into the hands of the first junior boy he came across for delivery. Within five minutes they were being admitted and Dorian was on the stairs to meet them.
"Who is it, Dorrie?" asked Barney.
"Arthur Sexpot... I mean Sixpence, dear boy."
"What? Art the Tart."
"Where is he now?"
"In his room."
"Has this been reported to a member of staff?"
"Goodness no," replied Dorian. "This is for us men to sort out."
"Perhaps it ought to be," announced Adie "but let us see him first, Dorrie." Dorian took our boys to Art's study where he was being comforted by his roommate. At a wink and nod from Dorian the roomie disappeared.
"How are you, Arthur?" asked Barney. The boy was in tears, but not blubbing for it soon became clear that he was not hurt or affected. They were tears of anger and frustration. His face was white. "Okay," said Barney who has sat down beside him on his bed and put his arm around him. "Calm down a bit and tell us what happened." Art wiped his eyes and blew his nose. The sweetness had completely disappeared from his countenance.
"I'd just left the house as I had to meet someone."
"Which door did you use?" asked Adie.
"The back one. We're not allowed to use the front until we're in the sixth form. For some reason the light over the door was out. Switched off or maybe the bulb had gone. Then I was jumped from behind, someone from out of the shadows. He shoved his hands into my trouser pockets and started rubbing me off. Quite a professional job actually. You can only get away by stamping on your attacker's feet, but if he spreads them you have no chance. In the end I just took it and came in my undies. That's what's so annoying. Not only have I missed a date, but I can't go and meet a friend with my knickers soaked and smelling of spunk. I have some professional pride."
"Was there anyone else around?" asked Adie.
"Absolutely no one."
"Did he say anything," said Barney.
"Yees," replied Arthur. "A loud whisper. He said 'And don't you go thinking that you're the only bumboy available in the school. There are others that can do your job, and do it a darn sight better.' Then he worked away at me until I came. I could feel his hard dick pressing into my butt – that's how he knew I'd come. Then suddenly his hands were out of my pockets and he was gone."
"One little trick if you're caught like that again," said Barney. "Unzip your flies and it'll be difficult for him to get his hands near your package."
"You'd better tidy yourself up and go and report it. Don't mention us. Some Housemasters don't like outside interference in their houses."
"You didn't recognise the voice?" said Barney.
"Yes and no. I didn't recognise whose it was, but there was something familiar about it," replied Art.
"If you think of anything else, let us know, or Dorian and he'll pass it on. Thanks for your help, Arthur," said Adie.
We moved out of Art's study and went up to Dorian's. His long suffering and tolerant roommate was working.
"Shall I put the kettle on?" he said.
"A sweet idea," said Dorian. "Earl Grey, I think. It's the wrong ambience for Jasmine." Meanwhile Adie had turned thoughtful. Finally
"Dorrie, we need your help. Questions have got to be answered and we're not in a position to ask them because we're neither official nor members of your House. At Prayers can you find out from the assembled House 1) whether anyone was out at the time of the incident: naturally the guilty party won't admit to it. 2) the names of those who were alone in their studies at the time, and of course the names of their absent roommates and 3) whether there were any visitors from other houses and their names? Then e-mail them to me. I'm sorry, Dorrie, it's a lot of work for you, but I'm sure we can do something for you in return."
"I'm sure you can, darlings, and don't leave it so long this time." Adie and Barney drank up their Earl Grey and took their leave.
"I think I prefer the Jasmine," said Barney as they walked through the front door of Thatcher House.
The boys had returned in time for Prayers after which they went up to their room to take stock.
"Barney, I have an inkling of who tonight's perpetrator was."
"Are you going to share?"
"Not at the moment. Firstly I haven't any proof and secondly because it was so different it doesn't mean that tonight's Gonzales is the same one as the other. By the way can you help me check this through? I've tried to put the known gays on the database, but I've only come up with forty-nine and statistically there should be another twenty-six, give or take." Finally there was the awaited ping from Adie's laptop. He opened up his e-mails. "Bugger. Spam." Another ping. Letter from mother. Yet another ping. Third time lucky. The required list from Dorian. Adie fed the information into the new fields he had created. It was laborious, but because of his concentration time went quickly with Barney reading it out and Adie typing it in. "Right, I'm now going to narrow the search down to School House only." It came up with five names.
"Is your suspect among them, Adie?"
"It is, but remember it's not proof. It's a list of five boys who quite legally were not where they might be expected to be. That's all."
"But one name stands out to me."
"Fine, but keep it to yourself for the moment."
"Are you ready to turn in?"
"I think that's a good idea"
"Yours or mine?"
"Our own tonight, I'm afraid. I've got some thinking to do." Within five minutes they had gone to the bathroom, got undressed for bed and put the lights out.
Next morning the house rising bell rang and tore both of our boys out of a deep sleep in their own beds providing proof that they were capable of spending the night together without having mutual sex. However, the tissues scattered round each bed belied the notion that they had been thoroughly chaste that night.
"Morning, Adie," groaned Barney as they got out of bed. They hugged, morning wood meeting morning wood.
"I missed you last night, Barney, but I'm afraid I'm going to miss you some more today. I'll talk to you about it after breakfast once I've got some coffee inside me." Life takes on a different perspective after the three Ss in the morning (shower, shave and s**t) and our two boys felt quite refreshed after their undisturbed sleep. They joined Dorian for breakfast and assured him that his services the previous night had been most helpful. Adie said they would call upon him again that evening. Perhaps he would host a little get together in the School House library. He would receive a list of guests later in the day. Walking back to Thatcher House Adie revealed to Barney what had gone through his mind the previous night.
"Third period I've got a free. I'm going to have a little chat with Miss Williams." (She was the Registrar and Admissions Tutor and a relation of the Kemp family, which incidentally was why Adie ended up at St Barnabas). "During break I want to talk to various juniors, but the time-wasting thing will be finding them and so I expect this will have to go on into lunch break." Back in their room. "Now it would be interesting to reveal who is at the top of our lists of suspects. Write yours on a piece of paper and I'll write mine down too." They swapped.
"Interesting," said Barney. "We're agreed on that."
"We'll discuss our reasons this evening. Now a favour if you will. I'd like you, if possible, to keep a distant eye on our suspect during morning and lunch breaks. Make a note of the people he is with. At one stage I shall try to have a word with him. Don't have anything to do with me or him while I'm talking to him. With a bit of luck we'll make him cough this evening, and if we don't, I think with a bit more luck we shall have enough evidence to nail him anyway. Then the big problem is what to do about him." On that the two boys departed for chapel assembly.
Adie knocked at the Registrar's office door and walked in.
"Hello, Aunt Vera."
"Why Adrian, my dear boy. How nice to see you." Adie dutifully kissed her on the cheek. "How are you?"
"Fine, thank you, Aunt Vera. Overworked and underpaid."
"And that stonking boyfriend of yours?"
"Great, as well."
"Now I am sure this is not entirely a social visit, Adrian. Are you short of money?"
"No no, Aunt Vera. Nothing like that. Have you heard through the grapevine about the phantom attacks?"
"Two, I believe. You boys refer to the culprit as Speedy Gonzales I believe."
"More than that. Seven. Only two have been reported."
"Oh my goodness. Is that privileged information?"
"Only for the next twenty-four hours or so. Barney and I have appointed ourselves as investigators and we believe we have found him, but we need some real evidence and background."
"You know I could lose my job for doing that?" Adie blushed. "But if it helps clear up this nasty situation it will make my job of recruitment that much easier."
"Just a little background on these boys, if you would. Where they came from and why they are here." Adie handed his aunt a list.
"I'm not writing anything down and I shall say this only once."
"Then I will listen very carefully." She flicked the switch on her desk which changed the miniature traffic lights outside her office door from green to red for engaged, then typed a password into her computer. After ten minutes Adie said "I think I've got all that, Aunt Vera. Thanks a lot. I'll let you know the result." As he left the office he saw the traffic lights flick back to green.
Lessons went very slowly that day, the rest of it in a whirl. Fortunately Barney and Adie had PE just before lunch which helped to relieve some of the tension. Dorian was in the same group and although his day to day existence and behaviour were camp in the extreme, he was a very able and strong gymnast with a body naturally devoid of flesh and endowed with sinew and muscle. The three boys managed a quick update in the showers afterwards. Also Dorian received his list verbally. Adie hurried back to the house after school. Barney was already there. Adie passed on the information from Aunt Vera and Barney described his observations during the day. They agreed on both their procedure for that evening and on their final conclusion. Now they just had to get down to their schoolwork for after supper it might prove a long evening. Their chums in other houses had smoothed the way so that the 'guests' duly turned up in the library in School House.
Dorian's roommate had agreed to act as host since Dorian was needed elsewhere. He and Jimmy Waterman stood by the door to prevent any unwanted interruptions. Adie and Barney asked for hush and began to explain the purpose of the meeting. It was Adrian's turn to speak.
"And so we have assembled here the seven victims of the attacks with senior boys from their own houses to support them. Before I start this explanation I want to say that Barney and I have studied this case and have independently reached the same conclusion. You will hear the results shortly. Before I begin I want to thank you all, both victims and minders for your help and co-operation, no matter how small or great, intended or unintended. We particularly want to thank Dorrie Grayscott who at the moment is carrying out a rather important task." There was a ripple of applause.
"When we looked at these incidents they were all similar – committed anonymously, yet in front of a crowd, the offence followed the same pattern," continued Barney "We tried to see what the victims had in common, to see if we could establish a motive. What was puzzling was that out of the first six only one victim was gay..." Everyone turned round and looked at Lacey who glowered back. "...so an approach for gay sex seemed out of the question – or was it? Could it be that the perpetrator was guided more by his loins, or maybe opportunism, than his head and hadn't done his homework properly? Was he impulsive by nature? Next the attacks never actually hurt anyone. Even you str8 guys said that the feeling was pleasant or pleasurable and the only damage done was shock and invasion of personal privacy." At this Art the Tart was moving about uneasily in his armchair. "It's all right, Arthur. We haven't forgotten you." Barney cleared his throat. "Then came the seventh attack which almost succeeded in one of its motives, namely to milead or distract, because it was entirely different. So much so that we were seriously considering it to be a copycat attack by an assailant other than our Speedy Gonzales. It took place in the dark, not the light; it was an ambush, not an opportunistic attack; the assailant spoke; it came from behind instead of the front; and instead of a slight feel of the balls..." Medway's face screwed up in distaste. "Sorry, Martin. And instead of a slight feel of the testicles..." Laughter dispelled some of the tension. "...it was full blown – sorry, bad choice of words again." More laughter. "...it was a full attack leading to an orgasm. It still had one thing in common. The assailant disappeared instantly."
Adie resumed. "You can apply as much logic as you like to something like this, but it is the coincidences, the chance meetings which shed light on the case." Without naming names he described the occurrence in W H Smith's on Saturday afternoon, a boy's interest in conjuring, another boy's recognising his attacker's whispered voice, but he couldn't remember where he'd heard it, the background of all those involved, the schools they came from..." At this there was a sudden commotion from behind the curtains and Mark Johnson burst forth, closely pursued by Dorian, but this time he had no opportunity to perform his disappearing trick for he was quickly seized by Jimmy Waterman as he made for the door. He was now held by Jimmy and Dorian and forced to sit between them on the settee. Six victim's faces displayed various emotions ranging from mild surprise to shock. The seventh victim's face showed enlightenment followed by sadness. He remembered where he had heard that whisper.
"Gentlemen," said Adie "the culprit has revealed himself, but I am sure you would like to know how the final piece of the jigsaw fits in. As we said, we were interested in the backgrounds of the boys concerned. Your downfall, Johnson, was attempted shoplifting. Otherwise we would never have had cause to make any enquiries about you. By the way, now that you have sold that GY mag on to Lacey perhaps you would be kind enough to repay the loan we made you." Johnson scowled and mouthed 'In your dreams'.
"You have quite an interesting background. As Mark Talbot you attended Frensham Prep School. Is that not so, Arthur? Now we all know Arthur's reputation and it was no different in his latter years at Frensham. In fact you carried on here in much the same way as you did there, except that you could build up a bigger and far more interesting customer base. There as here Johnson, or Talbot, developed an intense jealousy which at Frensham led to his attaching a small incendiary device to Arthur's bed. Fortunately, or unfortunately, there was a witness to the act, it was disabled, and Frensham were kind enough to expel you rather than report you to the police. You then took your mother's maiden name and became Mark Johnson..."
"How do you know all this? No one's supposed to. It's all confidential."
"As a conjuror you will appreciate that the worst thing you can do in the craft is to reveal how a trick is done. Maybe I shouldn't know this, but the fact remains that I do. So I won't go into any details, but you arrived here in Year 10 from another school. St Barnabas was recommended to you because of its great tolerance, particularly towards gay boys and people with... what shall we say? A 'past'. You doubly qualified. You took great pains not to reveal yourself to Arthur. How unlucky you were to be placed not only in the same school, but in the same house. You probably grew a different hairstyle, your voice had changed, but when you spoke to him in a whisper during that attack, of course your whisper hadn't changed. Neither had the jealousy and hatred." Adie sat down and Barney stood up.
"Gentlemen, we have taken enough of your time. I trust that this is a satisfactory conclusion and we thank you once more for your time and effort in helping us."
"Just one thing I don't understand," asked Jeremy Smallpeace. "How did he manage to disappear each time?"
"Don't forget that he was into conjuring tricks. Simple distraction techniques that every conjuror, pickpocket and shoplifter uses. Although very good at them he became overconfident and sloppy. Added to that is the fact he is rather insignificant as a person, which is basically why Art the Tart is a more successful 'businessman', for want of a better term. Everyone knows him and what he's about. Johnson and his type can only survive in their underworld." Arthur glowed with pride, Johnson looked savage. Everybody got up to go.
"No, Johnson, you're not going yet," said Dorian. Gone was any trace of his being camp. The thespian had been eclipsed by the gymnast and an unaccustomed hardness had come over him. The house bell rang for Prayers, a time at which the Housemaster could be guaranteed to be in his study. Dorian led Johnson down in a wrist lock, followed by Adie and Barney. He knocked on the door and was bade enter. Dorian released the wrist lock. Mr Thurston, the Housemaster of School House, listened briefly to Dorian's and then Adie and Barney's explanation before he stopped them. He telephoned his deputy to ask him to take Prayers, then telephoned the Housemaster of Thatcher House to explain the absence of Barney and Adie. He could now give his entire attention to the matter in hand. At the end he turned it to Johnson.
"Mark, is this true?" The boy said nothing, but his face adequately answered the question. "Dorian, will you take Mark to the library while I walk across to the Headmaster's house? Adrian and Barnaby, I would be grateful if you would stay with Dorian and Mark. Don't worry. I'll square it with your Housemaster." He picked up the telephone to warn the Head he was on his way.
It seemed like an eternity before the library door opened and in walked Mr Thurston accompanied by the Headmaster.
"Johnson, I have listened to your Housemaster. Is there anything you wish to say?" The boy just looked sullen. "You will consider yourself suspended from all school activity for the time being. You will spend the night in isolation in the sanatorium and be escorted to the Second Master at 8 o'clock. I shall wish to see you at 8.30. Mr Thurston, will you please make the arrangements and inform Johnson's parents? Dorian, Adrian and Barnaby, may I congratulate you on your initiative and the work you have done. We shall no doubt be talking tomorrow. Good night."
"Good night, sir," resounded three voices. Mr Thurston accompanied the Head off the premises and the boys took Johnson back to the Housemaster's study. When he came back in he asked Dorian to take Johnson to his study so that he could collect his overnight things. The look on the face of Johnson's roommate was one of amazement. Mr Thurston rang the sanatorium to ask Matron to prepare for an overnight isolation case. Although it was not used very often, she was used to the routine. He asked our three boys to escort the miscreant to the San. While they were doing that he had the distasteful duty of telephoning separately Mr Talbot and Ms Johnson.
When Dorian, Adie and Barney reported back Mr Thurston said
"My wife is just making some cocoa. May I offer you a mug?" The boys gratefully accepted and were ushered to the Housemaster's drawing room. "So while we were dealing with two cases, you were dealing with seven. Why don't schoolboys communicate?"
"I think it's something called schoolboy honour, sir," said Barney.
"So why did you take the case on?" Both Adie and Barney coloured up. Dorian maintained his sang froid. Finally Adie spoke up.
"Because we felt it reflected badly, dishonourably on our community."
"On the gay community," added Dorian with continued sang froid, although he had relapsed into his usual camp mode. That eased the situation for Adie and Barney.
Cocoa drunk they made their way back to Thatcher House and reported to their own housemaster along with another detailed report on what had been going on. They finally reached their room at eleven o'clock, long after official lights out time.
"Yours or mine?" said Adie.
"I'm too knackered," said Barney. "Let's have a long shower together to get the excess water off our bellies and then get some kip."
That might have been the end of the story, but for events the following morning. There was excitement enough when the boys from School House and the individuals involved met their fellows over breakfast in the dining hall and spread the news of the previous night. Adie and Barney modestly accepted the kudos due to them for their efforts and they were generous enough to share it with those who had helped them. Art the Tart bounced up to Barney and Adie and thanked them for what they had done to help him.
"If you ever require my services, they will be complimentary for you two."
"Thank you, Arthur," said Adie.
"We'll bear that in mind," said Barney, patting his bottom to send him on his way. Such was this excitement that few noticed the police car parked outside the Headmaster's house. Eventually it died down and the School made its way to chapel for assembly. At the end of the daily service the Headmaster asked the assembled School to sit. He climbed into the pulpit and started to speak.
"I regret that I must report to the School the events of the last twenty-four hours." There was a stir and an air of expectancy with seven hundred and forty-nine pupils waiting for the official version of what they had been discussing over breakfast. Not only had the culprit been caught – the Headmaster would never refer to Speedy Gonzales, if indeed that soubriquet ever reached him – but also suspended pending further enquiries. However, he had elected to exercise that privilege open to all St Barnabas boys and in the small hours of the morning had left the sanatorium and made his way through the turnstile and onto the public road. At sunrise this morning the body of a young person had been discovered in one of the lanes, apparently the victim of a hit and run car accident. "He did not survive and it is believed that he was killed instantly. Mr Thurston and I shall be accompanying his parents to the local hospital to make a formal identification of the body later this morning. Let us pray." After the assembly the School left the chapel in a deathly silence.
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