Swing for the Fences

by Little Buddha

Chapter 14

Thanksgiving felt like it had ended five minutes ago, but December didn't care. It arrived in full force, with early snowfall, bone-deep wind, and Christmas decorations strung up like garlands of expectation. Twinkling lights lined every window of Linden Hall, wreaths hung from dormitory doors, and Mariah Carey had apparently declared a personal residency in the hallway speaker system.

I should have been excited. Christmas has always been my favorite time of year.

But not anymore. Not really.

Not since Dad died.

Now, everything about the holiday season felt bittersweet. I still loved it, but it came with this dull ache in my chest. The lights looked dimmer. The music sounded hollow. And no amount of festive garlands or sugar cookies from the dining hall could fix the fact that something was missing.

And what made it worse? I was going to spend the entire two-week Christmas break at home, just me, my mom, and Mr. Bojangles. Jack was flying back to California – something he clearly wasn't thrilled about – and Noah would be in New York with his family. Just thinking about it made me feel weirdly hollow.

Noah had invited me to go with him. He'd promised snuggles and lazy mornings and… other things . But I said no. I couldn't leave my mom alone for Christmas. Not when I knew how quiet and lonely it would already be.

In the meantime, school was its own special kind of hell.

Homework had tripled. Teachers were assigning final projects, essays, and enough winter break reading to fill a small library. I barely had time to think. The Mandarin oral assignment was looming, and though I hated public speaking in any language, at least I was paired with Emery, who was sweet, funny, and basically a Mandarin wizard. If anyone could save my grade, it was Emery.

Despite the pressure, things with Noah were… okay. Mostly. We still snuck away after prep most nights, held each other close, kissed like we couldn't get enough of each other. And sometimes, we didn't even talk. Just touched. Explored. He had this way of looking at me that made my whole body forget how to breathe. I was even kind of, sort of OK that the more making out and groping we did, the random photos of his pale white butt he occasionally sent to me, we'd been spending less and less time actually talking, and instead, focused more and more on physical intimacy.

But then, one night, everything shifted.

He pulled away from a kiss and looked at me – serious, a little shy – and said, "Next time, maybe we could… you know. Really show each other how much we love each other?"

I blinked. "You mean, like…?"

"Yeah," he said, gently brushing my thigh. "Like that."

I nodded. But my stomach was doing backflips. I didn't know the first thing about how any of that worked. And even if I had known, I wasn't sure I was ready. And what did "sex" really mean to Noah? To me, kissing, cuddling, whispering sweet words into each other's ear, maybe being naked together, and maybe even some rubbing and grinding together until we both got "the feeling." Even that, however, still would be stretching the limits on my comfort level. I still couldn't barely even change clothes in my own room when Jack was around. I was insanely self-conscious.

Moreover, I wasn't about to lose my virginity with someone unless I was absolutely certain that we were in love and could imagine some kind of future for us. Call me old-fashioned. But lately, even though I truly believed that Noah loved me and was really into me, some of our previous "issues" kept nagging away at me. I needed to talk to someone, needed someone else's perspective, but the only person I thought could fit that description right now was, of course … Jack . And there was no way I was going to open up to Jack about me and Noah's sex life.

Two nights later, Noah texted me.

roommate's out tonight. come over. we can mess around a little before break <3

I just stared at the screen, heart hammering.

And what if I turned him down? What if he broke up with me over that?

After prep, I found myself walking toward his room like I was being pulled on a string. I knocked once. The door swung open immediately.

Noah stood there in nothing but tight boxer briefs.

"Hi," he said with a slow grin, reaching for my hand.

The lights were low – just the glow of his lava lamp and a string of fairy lights over the bed. Lady Gaga played softly from his speaker. The room smelled like cologne and laundry detergent and something distinctly him.

I didn't know what to say. Or how to breathe.

He kissed me. Slowly. Deeply. His fingers slid under the hem of my shirt, pulling it over my head. Then the rest came off – his, mine – and I was standing there, bare skin to bare skin, totally naked and vulnerable, with a boy I loved.

It was overwhelming. Surreal. Terrifying. Beautiful.

And I was so, so horny !

We held each other. Touched. Gasped.

But when he whispered in my ear, "This time, I want to really do it , I want to be inside you , " something inside me panicked.

Noah was looking into my eyes, with barely concealable lust. He was naked, beautiful beyond words. And Noah was hard … for me . Full disclosure, it wasn't very big, but it sure was pretty.

But I pulled back quickly.

"What's wrong?" he asked, appearing more than a little frustrated.

"I—I just remembered," I said, already reaching for my shirt. "I have an assignment. It's due first thing tomorrow."

"You sure?"

"Yeah. I should go."

"Way to leave me with blue balls, Nick," he said. But he didn't stop me. Just watched as I quickly dressed and muttered something about seeing him later.

Back in the dorm, the common room was chaos.

Jack, Mark, Emery, and Jonah were sprawled on the floor mid-battle in some fantasy card game that I couldn't even begin to understand. There were arguments about spells and curses and whether a goblin could seduce a dragon with soup. I didn't even get the chance to sit down before Jonah launched himself at me

"Niiiiick!" he shouted, wrapping his arms around my waist like a weighted blanket. "We need a judge! Mark thinks soup equals seduction. Please talk sense into him."

I blinked, still dazed. "Hi?"

Jack glanced up from his hand of cards. "Welcome back."

His eyes lingered on me for a second longer than necessary. I wasn't sure what he was seeing on my face, but it couldn't have been anything good.

Eventually, the game wound down and we split off to shower and get ready for bed. The warmth of the water didn't help. I couldn't stop thinking. Not about what almost happened with Noah, and not about what it meant that I left.

When I came back to the room, Jack was already sitting on his bed, legs crossed, arms resting on his knees.

"Just so you know," he said evenly, "there's already a rumor going around about you and Noah."

My heart plummeted.

"What? Seriously?"

Jack gave me a look. "It won't last long. Two or three days, tops."

"What's the rumor," I asked, immediately regretting it. Maybe it was better if I didn't know. Ignorance is bliss, as they say.

Jack let out a long, slow breath and rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands. "He said that you two fucked in his dorm room."

"NO WAY!" I shouted. That did not happen … at all . "I've never had sex with Noah. He's kind of propositioned me or hinted at it a few times, but I never did it."

Jack let out a sigh of release. Part of me really wanted to hug him. Another part of me felt like I should try to defend myself about the rumors. My first thought was to go to Christian and tell him everything that happened. He was my friend, and he would stick up for me. Ultimately, though, I didn't. I was still too ashamed of myself. And it's not like Christian would want to get tangled up in the daily drama of a couple of freshman kids.

"I can't believe I trusted him," I moaned. "What an asshole."

Jack got up, crossed the room, and sat beside me on my bed.

"You want me to kick his ass?"

"No."

"Because I could. I'd even wear gloves."

Despite everything, I smiled. Just a little.

He wrapped an arm around me and pulled me into a firm, no-nonsense hug. The kind that said you're okay even when I didn't feel like it.

We pulled apart, but my mind kept spiraling.

Later, as we lay in our separate beds in the dark, the hallway light glowing faintly under the door, I couldn't sleep.

I turned to face the wall.

"Jack?" I whispered.

"Yeah?"

"Are we okay?"

"Of course we're okay."

I turned back to face the ceiling, blinking up into the dark.

I didn't fall asleep for a long time.

And when I finally did, it was only because my body gave up on trying to solve things my heart hadn't even begun to understand.

End-of-semester exams week was practically breathing down my neck, and I was one late assignment away from a nervous breakdown. The first week of December had been a blur of lectures, review sessions, study groups, and extended office hours. The tutoring center had lines out the door, and every table in the library was claimed before breakfast.

I'd buried myself in flashcards and vocab lists, convinced that one wrong move could put me on academic probation – and if I lost my scholarship, it would all be over. No more Harrison West. No more second chance.

And under all that stress, the memory of Noah's dorm room still clawed at the back of my brain. It hadn't been bad. Not really. The kissing, the touching – it was amazing. The way he'd looked at me, the way we made each other shake – it was everything I'd ever wanted. But when he said he wanted to "do it" with me, put so crudely … I froze.

I wasn't ready. Not for that.

And the worst part? I think he knew. And I think he was disappointed.

Even now, days later, it haunted me. The pressure. The heat. That look in his eyes like he was waiting for me to catch up to something I hadn't even figured out yet. And the horniness , that even though I hadn't done what Noah wanted me to do, just the mere thought of it drove me insanely horny. I must be sick . And now, since I hadn't done what Noah wanted, we hadn't talked in days. He was completely avoiding me. It would've caused me to totally spiral if it hadn't been for Jack.

Jack… well, Jack had been really trying. He was always there when I needed him. Always quick with a joke, always patient. And yet, I kept pulling away. I couldn't help wondering if I was being a bad friend. It had also crossed my mind that if Noah and I ever did break up, Jack would probably be the first one there to say, "I told you so!" And Jack had every right to judge me, too. But then, for some reason, the rational part of my brain decided to kick in and asked me, Would Jack really treat you like that? He's always stood by you, even when it's torture for him.

Maybe I should've started to listen to the rational part of my brain more often.

He said he was fine. That he understood. But I didn't believe him. Not really.

On Thursday night, as I was half-dead from cramming for Mandarin, I got a text from Jonah:

ur coming to the game tomorrow, right??? christian's starting again.

I responded with a noncommittal maybe.

MAYBE???? rude. unacceptable. i need moral support. and cotton candy.

please. i'll do ANYTHING.(yes even that)also bring jack. i want to sit in his lap again

I snorted, covering my face. Of course he'd say something like that, the little scamp.

As annoying as he was, Jonah was really starting to grow on me. He was beyond cute, very smart, and with a quick, unique wit. Naturally, if he and Jack did somehow end up together, they'd make quite the pair. And I'd probably be jealous as hell.

I debated for a while, then gave in. If anyone could make me feel better, it was Jonah.

fine. we'll be there. jack too. but if you bite anyone again, we're leaving.

Jonah replied within seconds:

no promises

Asking Jack the next night felt more nerve-wracking than it should have. We were both in our beds pretending to study, the silence stretching like taffy.

I finally cleared my throat. "Hey… do you wanna go to the game with me tomorrow?"

He looked over. "Like… football?"

"Yeah."

He squinted. "You gonna make me eat stadium nachos again?"

"Yes."

"Will the goblin mascot be there unleashing chaos?"

"Absolutely."

He considered for a moment. "Okay."

That was it. No teasing. No fake protests. Just… okay.

Something about that made my chest feel funny.

The stadium was packed when we arrived Friday night, the stands buzzing with energy. Frost clung to the bleachers, and our breath curled in the air like little clouds. Music blasted through the speakers, and kids waved glittery signs with Christian's name on them. Christian even gifted me a Harrison West football jersey with #17 on the back.

Jack and I hit the snack shack pretty hard – hot dogs, nachos, popcorn, cotton candy, and pops so big we had to carry them with two hands. We found Jonah exactly where I expected: in the middle of the stands, vibrating with sugar and manic energy.

"YOU'RE HERE!" he shrieked, launching at us.

Then, without hesitation, he plopped himself directly into Jack's lap.

Jack blinked. "I am not your throne."

"Shhh," Jonah said, resting against Jack's chest. "It's ok to admit that you like me."

"You're deranged."

"And you're warm and smell good! "

I couldn't help laughing. "Do you want me to switch seats with you?"

"No," Jonah said dreamily. "This one's perfect."

Eventually, Jack just let out a loud sigh and wrapped his arms around Jonah's smaller body. For his part, Jonah flashed his most beatific smile and snuggled in closer to Jack. I had to take a picture because it was too cute not to print out and pin up on the corkboard in my room.

The three of us sat like that for most of the game, eating junk food and yelling at the refs. Jonah made a running commentary about Christian's "heroic jawline" and how football should be outlawed unless played shirtless. Jack called him a gremlin at least five times, but still didn't make him move.

I tried not to overthink it, but of course I did.

At one point, Jonah leaned over and whispered, "Your boyfriend's kind of hot."

I didn't answer.

Because I didn't know which one he meant.

After the game (which we won by a landslide, unlike the nail-biter last time), Jonah threw his arms around both of us in a dramatic group hug.

"I love you losers."

Jack smirked. "Get help."

And then – before running off to find Christian – Jonah gave Jack's cheek a loud, exaggerated kiss and gave me a double-squeeze hug, murmuring "stay complicated" into my ear like it was a blessing or a curse.

Jack responded by slapping his tiny butt as he walked away.

"Was that necessary?" I asked.

"Extremely."

On the walk back to the dorm, I couldn't help myself.

"So… what's going on with you and the goblin?"

Jack rolled his eyes. "Nothing's going on. How many times to I have to tell you that he's not my type, and you know damn well that I'm already in love with someone else."

"You sure?"

"Yes, Nick," he said. "We're just friends. Please lay off."

Right. Okay.

Just friends. Like we were. But I couldn't not say something.

"I'm really sorry, Jack," I muttered.

He sighed. "Don't be. The heart wants what the heart wants."

When we got back to Linden Hall, Noah was waiting outside the entrance, arms crossed, looking irritated.

"Hey," I said carefully.

"We need to talk."

Jack glanced between us, then disappeared inside without a word.

I followed Noah a few steps down the sidewalk, away from the door.

"What's going on?" I asked, as nonchalantly as I could.

"What's going on is that you're being a lame jerk," he said, narrowing his eyes. "Why are you so afraid of a little sex?"

I froze.

"What?"

"You act like I'm trying to hurt you or something. It's not that big a deal."

"It is to me," I said, louder than I meant to. "I'm not ready for… for butt fucking , okay? I'm fourteen. You're fourteen. I don't want that yet."

Noah looked like I'd slapped him. "Jeez, okay."

"And what's worse? You told people about that night. You started that stupid rumor."

He shrugged. "So what? It wasn't a secret. I just said we hooked up. People talk."

"Yeah, and now they think we fucked . And now I'm getting weird looks in the hallway, and – God, you don't get it. I've been bullied before. I don't need that again. And I don't want that kind of reputation!"

Noah stepped back, arms folded.

"You're overreacting. You're such a drama queen ."

I glared at him.

He glared back.

And then he turned and walked off.

What happened to my sweet, beautiful, and thoughtful Noah? This was not the same boy I fell in love with. Not at all!

When I got back to our room, Jack was sitting on his bed, headphones off, arms crossed.

He looked at me.

I told him everything.

Every word.

He listened without interrupting.

When I finally finished, he nodded slowly.

"Called it."

"Called what?"

"That he's that kind of guy."

I sat on the edge of my bed, still trembling. "I don't even know what I'm doing anymore."

Jack didn't say anything.

I tried to lighten the mood.

"Wanna go on a double date?" I asked. "Me and Noah. You and the mutant rugrat."

He looked at me like I'd grown antlers.

Then raised his middle finger.

"Noted," I said quietly.

He turned off the light. Rolled over.

No hugs. No closeness.

I lay there in the dark, arms folded over my chest. And I was pissed . What did I expect from Jack, my best friend ? Maybe a little sympathy and support. Instead, he gloated and flipped me off. Lovely. What a SHIT day!

And I knew it would be another long night without sleep.

The morning of the start of Christmas break was absolute chaos in Linden Hall.

Boys were running in every direction, shouting to each other across the halls, zipping and unzipping suitcases, tossing clothes, shoes, textbooks – whatever they hadn't already crammed into bags – and frantically hunting for whatever random items they'd somehow lost overnight. The whole building felt like a human hurricane had blown through, and no one had slept.

Except me.

Well… not slept, exactly. But I'd been packed and ready since last night.

My suitcase sat neatly zipped at the foot of my bed. My laundry was folded. My toiletries were sealed in a labeled Ziploc bag. And my phone charger was wound tight and sitting in my coat pocket. Organization had always been my survival mechanism.

Jack, on the other hand, looked like a man under siege.

He was half-dressed, half-packed, half-hysterical, tearing through drawers and yanking open his closet like a gremlin had stolen his entire wardrobe.

"Where the fuck is my left Doc Marten?" he shouted from under the bed.

I didn't answer. I figured he needed space more than advice, especially after our conversation last night. Yes, I was still secretly fuming about that.

So, I quietly dragged my suitcase and duffel downstairs to the common room, setting them neatly in one of the corners near the fireplace. My mom was supposed to be arriving in about an hour, which meant I had time to breathe. Sort of.

The common room was quieter than upstairs, but just as unsettled. Half the couches were buried under piles of coats and backpacks. Someone had left an open cereal box on the armrest. A TV in the corner played some dumb holiday rom-com on low volume – two teenagers kissing under a lamppost in the snow while string music swelled in the background. Someone else was playing Bruce Springsteen's rendition of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" on his phone at a much higher volume. At least I liked that one.

So, I just stared out the window.

Snow flurried down in lazy spirals. It was that soft, early kind of snow—still light, still magical. It clung to the black iron gates of Harrison West like powdered sugar.

I couldn't wait to be home. The only bummer is that I would be all alone. No Jack or Noah to accompany me, and my mom would probably be working the whole time.

Back in my own bed, with the smell of my mom's coffee drifting in from the kitchen. Back with Mr. Bojangles curled against my legs, snoring like a sleepy little dragon. I'd missed him more than I ever expected. The house would be quiet, but he'd be there.

That mattered.

Still, something about leaving felt heavy.

I didn't know what to expect from Jack over break. Or Noah. Or anyone, really. Would they text? Would they even want to?

I knew Mark would. Emery, too. Maybe even Christian. And Jonah – God, Jonah would probably message me daily just to be a menace. But the two people I wanted to hear from the most were the ones I was most unsure about.

I was standing just outside the gates when the first wave of airport shuttles pulled up, engines rumbling, tires crunching in the slush. Boys flooded the front drive, calling out goodbyes, laughing, swearing, clapping each other on the back. Some were crying. Some were filming TikToks. Some were begging teachers not to assign reading over break.

I never really fit into that frenzy.

I didn't have a PlayStation to play with friends or a Snapchat streak to maintain. I hardly even used my Instagram. It was mostly just silly photos of Mr. Bojangles. Most of the time, I liked being a little different, a loner.

But right now? I just didn't want to be forgotten. Sure, two weeks wasn't a long time, but two weeks in teenage time was like months in normal human time.

Plus, I was worried about Jack having to spend two weeks with that horrid family of his. From what he'd told me, it would be a living hell. He should have just told them he had other plans and come to stay with me, although the last time he stayed with me, things got pretty intense .

"Nick!"

I turned at the sound of my name – and saw them.

Mark. Emery. Christian. Jonah. And… Jack.

They were running toward me, all bundled in their winter coats, cheeks pink from the cold, grinning like maniacs.

Mark skidded to a stop in front of me and crossed his arms. "Did you think you were leaving without saying goodbye to your actual friends ?"

I laughed, a little breathlessly. "I didn't want to interrupt the chaos."

Emery beamed. "We are the chaos."

Christian stepped forward and pulled me into a quick but solid hug. His arms were strong, and he smelled faintly like sandalwood and laundry detergent. "Merry Christmas, Kincaid," he said with a wink. "Stay warm."

I almost swooned. Almost.

Then came Mark and Emery together – one on each side, wrapping me in a double hug that nearly knocked me off balance.

"Love you, loser," Emery said.

"Try not to get married over break," Mark added. "Unless it's to a rich heir."

Before I could reply, Jonah launched himself at me.

"DON'T DROP ME!"

"Jesus—!"

I caught him, barely, one arm under his legs, the other supporting his back like a stagehand catching a flying toddler. He weighed next to nothing but still squirmed like a caffeinated raccoon.

"You better text me every day," Jonah demanded, his nose touching mine. "I want gossip. I want tea. I want Jack's darkest secrets. "

I blinked. "Do you ever behave normally?"

He smirked. "Never."

He kissed my cheek with a loud mwah and then leapt out of my arms like a ninja, spinning toward Jack.

But Jack was already moving toward me.

"Hey," he said softly, pulling me aside from the group.

His eyes were shadowed, but his smile was real.

"I really wanted to spend Christmas with you," he said. "I asked. I tried. But they want me home this year."

I nodded. "Yeah. To show you off to their snobby friends."

"Exactly," he muttered, eyes darting to the ground. "I'm the trophy son for like two days. Then it's back to being invisible."

He sighed. "The only person I'm actually excited to see is Idela. She used to be my nanny. Now she's technically the housekeeper, but… she's more like my actual family."

I reached out and touched his arm. "I wish you could've come with me."

"Me too."

Then he pulled me into a hug.

Not a casual one.

Not a quick pat-on-the-back thing.

A real one. Strong. Fierce. His arms wrapped tight around me, like I was the only thing keeping him from unraveling.

"I'm gonna miss you so much, Kincaid," he whispered. "And I'm so, so sorry about last night. I was awful to you when I should have been supportive. We're best friends and best friends don't treat each other that way. I'm a total ass."

Then he leaned up, lips close to my ear, and murmured, "Everything's gonna be better than ever when we get back. Please have faith in that. And I love you."

My heart squeezed so tightly I thought it might stop.

I whispered back, "I love you, too. And you're forgiven. I'll always forgive you, my Jack."

And before I could talk myself out of it, I leaned in and kissed his cheek.

He blinked at me.

And smiled.

My mom's black SUV rolled up in front of the school, tires crunching softly against the curb.

Everyone helped me load my bags into the back.

I turned to open the passenger door—and that's when I heard it.

"Nick! Wait—wait!"

I turned to see Noah sprinting toward me, coat flapping behind him, hair a mess, breath coming fast.

He stopped in front of me, eyes wide, chest heaving.

"I just – wanted to say I'm sorry," he panted. "About everything. I've been… selfish. And a jerk. And I'm sorry."

I didn't say anything. I couldn't.

"I hope we can still fix things," he added. "After break. I really do."

Then, without waiting for an answer, he stepped forward and hugged me – quick, tight, and was done before I could even lift my arms.

He turned and ran off toward one of the shuttles, his bag bouncing against his side.

And just like that, he was gone.

I climbed into the front seat of the SUV and closed the door.

My mom smiled gently at me, but didn't say anything. Just reached over and gave my knee a squeeze.

As she pulled away from the school gates, I glanced out the window at the snowy campus I was leaving behind.

And I didn't know what I felt.

Hope. Guilt. Love. Anger. Jealousy. Longing. All tangled together.

But one thing was certain.

This break was going to be anything but simple.

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