Just Hit 'Send' - The College Years
by Grasshopper
Ch. 6
Jordan was dreaming, no drugs now, just sleep. He could because Danny was right over there in that bed not 10 feet away. He had fallen asleep to the comforting sound of Danny's soft breathing and the steady beep-beep of the monitors. He smiled in his sleep as he dreamed of soft hands, gentle kisses and whispered words.
It was a comforting dream, not so much hot as warm and slow, like liquid love. Like how Danny felt in his arms, how just the smell of his skin made Jordan ache.
"Love me, Jordy," he kept whispering.
"I do, baby." And he showed him, in every touch, in every glide of his hands.
"Jordy."
Jordan sighed in his sleep. "Mmmm?"
"Jordy?"
Jordan's eyes snapped open. "Dan? Danny?" He rolled over, winced at the nagging pain, ignored it and hurried over to Danny's bed. "Danny! Baby! Oh God!" he babbled as he kissed every available space, careful not to jar any tubes or wires. "Did you just wake up?"
Danny opened his eyes, stared into the bright green ones he loved and knew he faced the hardest day of his life. "Water." He croaked, his throat dry and sore from the tube that had been running down it.
Jordan reached for the cup and eased the straw into Danny's dried lips.
Danny took a sip and cringed. "Arg," he groaned as the water hit the dried tissue.
Setting the cup down, Jordan poked through the drawer and pulled out a tiny tube of cream. "Not now, Jordy," Danny tried to joke.
Jordan laughed for the first time in days. "You wish, horndog." He rubbed some of the lip balm on his lips and then leaned over to "apply" it to Danny's cracked ones. The kiss was warm and smooth and, as Jordan massaged his lips on Danny's to rub in the cream, Danny sighed. This was what he wanted, Jordan always taking care of him but this is what had to stop.
"I thought I lost you, baby," Jordan murmured. "Don't ever do this again."
"I won't. I promise.....I could hear you talking to me, Jordy. I just couldn't wake up."
"It's okay. You're back now. That's all that matters. I have my baby back."
Danny felt the tears threatening. He blinked them back. He had to do this.
"How badly am I hurt?"
"Just some broken bones and you hit your hard head," Jordan made light of the injuries. "That seatbelt.......the one I can never get you to wear?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm gonna personally hook you in. The car does not start till my baby is in his seatbelt."
Every time Jordan called him baby, Danny felt what he had done to him. He was no more than a baby to Jordan. Jordan needed a man, not a baby he had to tend to all the time. He closed his eyes.
"Tired?"
"Yeah. I'm just gonna rest my eyes, Jordy." He felt himself drifting.
"I love you my sweet blue-eyed baby," Jordan's voice whispered as Danny fell asleep.
Dr. McCray was pleased; Danny's parents so relieved to have their boy back.
"Danny's injuries are mending nicely. He's been awake 24 hours now with no sign of permanent damage from the concussion. I think we can release him to you in 48 hours depending on his constant improvement and the results of the MRI. How does that sound, Dan?"
"Great," Danny smiled. "I want out of here bad."
Jordan had been released that morning and had gone home to deal with his parents, promising to be back as soon as he could.
"Let me get them gone and I'll be right back, Dan."
"Sure, Jordy. Hug your mom for me. She's been great."
"Will do. Be back soon, beautiful." He leaned over the rail and kissed Danny gently on the cheek and was out the door.
"Jordan, I haven't changed my mind," David said, watching his son's face.
Part of Claire wished Jordan would just give it up and be her little boy again but she knew that wouldn't ever happen.
"I haven't either, Daddy."
"You can't choose this life. I won't let you."
Jordan rubbed his eyes, "I didn't choose it. It chose me. Damn! Why can't you see that?"
"You can choose not to be this way."
"What way, Daddy?
"Living in God's shadow."
Jordan's body shook with all the pain. "I don't understand you, Daddy. I never will. You're choosing a belief over me. That means you don't believe in me."
"It's a sin, Jordan. I always thought you believed the same things I did. I raised you to believe in God," his father answered.
"I believe in faith and love and goodness; in acceptance and differences. I've believed in these things all my life and, with Danny, I have them in my heart.
I'm sorry I can't be what you want. But I am what I want. God made me, Daddy. I have to believe he loves me. I have to."
He stared at his father, wishing with all his heart that he'd open his arms........but he didn't. Jordan sighed, turned to his Mama and said quietly, "Take care, Mama. I won't be home for awhile."
Claire hugged Jordan, saying firmly, "Call me. Anything you need, call me. I love you so much, Jordan."
"I know Mama."
He walked to the door, turned the knob and turned back, unable to let it go.
"I love you Daddy," and he was gone.
"Have you told him yet?"
Danny didn't pretend not to know what they meant. "No."
"Honey, he knows. He just doesn't want to deal with it. You have to come home right now."
"I know, Mom. It's just that he's so used to taking care of me and he forgets that you did it for years. And Mom.........he does it with all his heart." His face was tight with worry. No one knew he wasn't just going home for a few weeks. He was leaving. He was leaving Jordan so that Jordan could find himself and find someone who equaled him. This had been a long time coming. And as much as it broke his heart to do it, Danny knew he would.
Two days later, Jordan, Jerry and Markie arrived at the hospital in the used Jeep Cherokee the insurance company had loaned Jordan to drive until the Blazer was well. "This will be big enough for the chair and all of us," Jordan smiled.
Jordan had spent every moment at the hospital, talking to Danny, rubbing his legs, feeding him, helping him on the bedpan. He wished he could take the pain away, put it on himself. The doctor, the nurses, everyone watched Jordan do all the little things, seeming to anticipate Danny's needs. Even the most homophobic of them melted under the spell of these two boys, the care, the love, the acceptance. Jordan, always ready with a joke or a smile; Danny, flashing those blue eyes, the love for Jordan simmering just below the surface of every word.
"So? You ready to go home?" Jordan grinned, as he sat in the wheelchair, trying to pull a wheelie.
"Mom, Dad, Guys, I need to talk to Jordy please." The little crowd walked out into the hallway, knowing what was coming.
"He's not staying, is he?" Markie asked quietly.
"No, sweetie. He can't. He can't ask that of Jordan."
"This is gonna kill him."
"I think it's gonna kill them both. Markie, you and Jerry stick close to Jordan right now. He's going to need his friends."
"Jordy?"
Jordan wasn't sure where this was going and he didn't want to hear it. "Hmm?"
"I'm going home with Mom and Dad." He watched Jordan's eyes cloud over.
"Ah, Dan. Why? I can...................,"
"No, Jordy. You can't. I wish you could more than anything in the world but, sweet Jordy, you can't."
"Dan, I can take off from school for a couple of weeks until you get settled and.............,"
Danny cut him off, "And then what Jordan? Take a few more weeks and a few more weeks until there's no school left to miss?"
"Danny................." Jordan just let the tears fall.
"It's best, Jordy. You know it. I can't even do as much as I did before. This is best." His voice was beginning to shake. Taking a deep breath to steady himself, "We'll talk, on the computer, on the phone. You'll see. We'll be fine."
"And then you'll be back? Back with me?"
Danny couldn't hurt him anymore. He sighed ,"Yes, Jordy."
"I could transfer down there. I could.............."
"Shhhh, Jordy, Shhhh. No matter where you are, it would be the same. I need more than you can give me right now."
"My love isn't enough?" He sounded like a small punished child.
Danny sighed, "Your love is all I ever need. Don't do this. You know I'm right. Come here."
Jordan slid carefully onto the edge of the bed, slipping his arms around Danny's neck. "I can't do this without you."
"Yes, Jordy, you can. You can be everything we talked about. You can be strong and we'll both win in the end." Danny was struggling to breathe and he knew if he didn't leave now, he never would. . "Kiss me, Jordy. It has to last a long time."
Jordan looked into Danny's shadowed eyes and saw the pain. "Dan?"
"Shhhh. Kiss me."
Tentative, hesitant, scared of what it really meant, Jordan pressed his lips softly on Danny's mouth, his eyes wide open.
"Remember toes to toes, nose to nose? How I can only say it if I whisper it in your mouth?" Danny murmured.
"Yes," Jordan sobbed softly.
"I'll always love you, Jordan Lawrence. Never never forget it."
The little part of Jordan's mind where he stored all the bad things knew what was happening. He knew a kiss wasn't going to fix this.
"Danny? Don't do this."
"Call Mom, Jordy. I need to go home."
The trip home was irritating and embarrassing but his parents had fixed the SUV up so that he was comfortable in the back. Damn huge cast on his right leg, half cast on his left, another on his arm............Shit! He looked like RoboCop. Peeing in a cup was gross and his mom feeding him was totally not gonna happen for long.
During the 5 hours it took to get back to Daytona, Danny's mind raced from Jordan to the future back to Jordan on to what about school and finally settled on Jordan.
A hospital psychologist had been in to talk to him after he woke up. When Danny realized where the conversation was headed, he cut the guy off. "I'm not gonna off myself if that's what you're here to see about. I've got too many people who love me to ever hurt them that way. I may not be able to do the things I wanted to or have what I wanted but I won't hurt them."
Danny thought about that conversation and smiled a halfway smile, "Besides," he sighed, "Jordy would kill me if I did that."
At the house, his dad lifted him up and headed for the bedroom, laying him carefully on the bed. "Whoa, son. You add in those casts and you must weigh 600 pounds."
"See, Dad. That's another reason I couldn't stay with Jordy." His dad sighed, unable to even begin to know how much this was hurting his little boy.
"You want to watch tv or eat something?"
"I want to call Jordy, Dad." Ernest handed him the cell phone and quietly left the room.
"Hiya."
"You made it okay?"
"Yeah."
"You okay?"
"Yeah."
"Dan............."
"I know."
"This hurts."
"It'll be fine. You'll see."
"How can it be fine when you're there and I'm here?"
"Don't start."
"I just want to............"
"I'll always love you, Jordy."
"Stop saying that."
"Why?"
"It sounds like...........like goodbye."
"What can we do?" Markie whispered as she and Jerry scrapped away Jordan's uneaten dinner. "He's making himself sick."
"I know. Between Danny leaving and his asshole of a father, Jordan can't catch a break."
"I guess all we can do is be here for him," she answered softly. "Danny will be back. He won't be able to stay away from Jordan for too long."
The telephone calls were just making them both miserable. Danny, trying to hide the decision he'd made; Jordan feeling it in every word Danny said.
"What's up?"
"I took that Psych midterm. It was a bitch."
"Aw, you did great. You always do."
"I miss studying together."
"I know."
"I miss you."
"Me too."
Danny was pulling away and there wasn't anything Jordan could do, could say to make it stop. He knew Danny loved him. He never ever doubted it. He knew Danny was crying at night, just like he was. He knew Danny missed him, their laughter, their touches, their bodies warm and hugging in the night. He knew and yet he couldn't do anything.
"Danny's too quiet. He's going to end up right back where he started if this keeps up."
Fran looked at her husband. "I know what he's doing. He's withdrawing from life. We can't let that happen. I understand what he's doing; I even admire him for it almost as much as I want to just shake him. He'll never make Jordan stop loving him this way."
Danny just lay quietly in his bed, never asking to get in the wheelchair, never asking to go outside. His broken bones were healing but his heart wasn't.
"I think I have an idea," Ernest smiled. "We've both got to get back to work and Danny needs someone here with him. I have a phone call to make."
"How about I drive down this weekend?"
"No. Not yet, Jordy."
"Dan.............don't you want to see me?"
'God yes!' Danny thought. "I haven't been feeling so good. Flu, I think. Maybe next week."
Jordan hung up, his heart breaking.
"Marks, can your heart break over and over until the pieces don't ever fit back together?" He sat down beside her on the sofa and she tugged his head onto her lap.
Smoothing his soft blonde hair away from the tears sliding down his cheeks, she answered, "I hope not, Jordy. For your sake, I hope not."
"He doesn't want to see me."
"Jordy, you know Danny better than anyone in the world. He loves you. He just can't cope with you having to help him. Think about it from his side, sweetie. Think how you'd feel."
"I know, Marks. It just hurts." Markie let him cry,
"Danny, your mom and I have to get back to work."
"I know. I'll be fine."
"Nope. You need someone here to help you get around."
"Ewww, like a nurse or something? I don't want any strange person touching me. I can manage."
"We're not arguing this, son. We found just the right person to keep you in line."
"Daaaaaaaaad!"
"Jeeeez! What's all this noise? Is there a spoiled brat in this house?"
Danny heard the voice and a slow grin spread. A smiling face appeared around the edge of the door, hazel eyes dancing. "Hiya, little surfer dude!"
"Hiya, Easy!"
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