Three Tears
Chapter 13
by David Heulfryn
Martin could not understand why he felt sick. He had run for a few minutes and then stopped. Looking behind him he couldn't see Phil and assumed he wasn't following him. What he couldn't see was Phil frantically running down the small streets and alleyways, trying to find him, hoping he was alright and wanting to help him.
Martin's mind had gone into a state of confusion and he didn't know why. As soon as he saw Phil and his brother naked together, he half remembered the story his brother had told him, the mutual masturbation. Why did he feel so betrayed and who did he feel had betrayed him, Phil or his brother? Putting his hands either side of his head, he pressed hard, expecting the pressure and pain make him reach a conclusion. When this didn't work he began rubbing, pulling and contorting his skin so that his face was unrecognisable.
Feeling his phone vibrate against his leg, he picked it up and saw it was Phil. Without hesitation he rejected the call. Phil tried four more times to speak to Martin, each time the call was rejected. His fifth attempt was just a text message and a few short words, 'Call me, I need to know ur ok'. Martin read the message and just ignored it, trying to hold back the tears of fear and anger that we behind his eyes.
Wandering round aimlessly, Martin spent the rest of the afternoon trying to think, but not really coming to any conclusions. He found a park on his travels and sat on a swing, gently rocking himself backwards and forwards. When he arrived there was no one around, but later on a couple of young boys turned up but, seeing Martin and the morose look on his face, they left after only half an hour.
The afternoon drew to a close and the evening broke through, its cooler air and stillness not registering with Martin. For hours he had remained on the swing, rocking himself, alternating his anger with confusion then tears. Darkness slowly crept over but only registered as the day just become overcast.
As the clock passed eight o'clock, his mother was getting worried. Tony was with her and his father in the front room while James was in his room listening to music. There had been no contact with Martin since this morning when he told his mother he was going out. Querying his whereabouts with Tony just met with a dismissive shrug, the question had disturbed him watching the programme.
Not content, she called up to James. He too had heard nothing from him.
"Would you mind giving him a ring, make sure everything's alright? I don't want to look like I'm interfering." She politely asked James.
Going back into his room, he turned the music down and rang Martin's mobile.
His first attempt was rejected, much like Martin had done with Phil. But his second attempt was answered and he heard a very sharp 'yes' from Martin.
"I was just wondering if you're alright and everything went ok today."
"Sure." Was Martin's sharp response.
"Where are you?"
"Just out."
"Are you ok, you sound funny?"
"No." Martin struggled and only just managed to stifle a sob.
"Look, Mum's getting worried, when're you going to get back?"
Martin was silent, wondering if he would be able to cope seeing anybody and the questions he would face.
"Look, I'm getting worried too."
Again Martin stifled a sob. "Tell Mum I'll be home in about an hour."
Martin ended the call and James just looked at the screen in confusion. Something was obviously wrong; he considered ringing again but decided against it. If he had not appeared within the hour then he would ring again.
Going downstairs for a moment, he told his mother that Martin would be home by nine o'clock and, not voicing his concerns, lied to her saying that everything was ok. Back in his room he kept his music low, listening for the front door to open. Until Martin was home and he found out he was alright, he knew he would not be able to relax.
Martin slowly walked the distance between the park and his home, trying to compose himself. He had worked himself up into a state of anger so that he wouldn't break down the moment he spoke to anybody.
The house seemed calm and normal when he arrived, Tony and his parents were leisurely slouching in the front room watching television, blissfully unaware of how Martin was feeling. Now that he was home, his mother was happier and could stop keeping an ear out for the front door.
Passing the usual pleasantries, Martin soon excused himself and went to his room, where he knew James would be.
After shutting the door, Martin went to sit on his bed and looked over at James who was lying down, his music still low.
"You alright, Martin?"
Martin stayed silent for a moment, trying to control his words. "Tell me happened with that other boy, when you were filming that thing Tony had to watch at school a few weeks ago." He said deliberately.
"What." James was unsure why it suddenly seemed so important to Martin.
"What happened?"
"I told you the other day; we just tossed each other off in shower occasionally."
Martin examined James' face, who wouldn't keep eye contact. He sensed there was more, he sensed he was lying.
"I want the truth. I need to know the truth." He almost pleaded and fixed James with a steely stare.
Despite protesting that it was years ago and it didn't really matter, Martin was adamant he needed to know and would not let James get away with some watered down version.
Beginning to get defensive, James was not accustomed to his brother so forcefully intruding in his private life. He tried to keep fobbing Martin off with the quick toss in the shower story but the more he protested, the more Martin knew there was something else. And the more forceful and insistent Martin became.
James was scared of voicing the truth; mutual masturbation was one thing and could be easily tossed aside as normal youthful curiosity. But telling Martin what actually happened would feel like he was opening telling him he was gay. He wasn't sure he was ready to tell his brother yet and when he did, he never wanted it to be like this. They had always had a very close relationship and felt they could tell each other anything, however both boys were reticent in telling each other something this huge. Despite their open relationship, they both held back this one secret. At the time it didn't feel like they were hiding anything, they just needed the time and space to come to terms with it, wrestle with the idea of it only being a phase before realising they had always had these feeling for other boys and a phase never lasts that long.
"It was over two years ago," James began and Martin listened intently. "We had become friends, not good friends but we always hung out together. He was a good laugh."
Slowly, James told Martin about what really happened when they got together in the showers, how Phil would get on his knees and blow him, how he would then blow Phil. How they would swallow each others cum and he told of the long lingering kisses they gave each and the fondling to make each other hard again, tasting the cum in the other's mouth. He spoke of how, towards the end of their time together, Phil would get more adventurous and finger James's arsehole as he sucked on his dick. He had liked that, in fact he had loved that, it made his dick harder and when he came in Phil's mouth he came harder and stronger while his arse clamped down on his finger.
Recounting the story, James mind went back to that day and seemed to relive the moments he and Phil met in the showers to pleasure each other. He spoke of it as a romantic encounter, two lonely people meeting in a strange country and finding each other.
James saw tears in Martin's eyes.
"I had only just turned fourteen." James explained. "It was my first and, so far, only time."
"Did he take advantage of you?"
"No." He said in reflex. "I don't know. I did nothing I didn't want to do, he never forced me, but he did initiate it."
"All the time?"
"No, not all the time. For the first couple of nights he did, but then I was really into it and wanted it as much as him. So I would come on to him some evening."
James explained that they were never lovers, they just fooled around with each other in the showers, and outside they just behaved like friends. James never wanted it to be anything more than it was and neither did Phil.
"Does it bother you? Does it really hurt you that much?" James asked.
"Yes." Was all Martin could say.
James began to feel the rejection from his brother and tears began to well in his eyes; he tried to blink them back. "I was going to tell you when I knew for sure myself." James could no longer prevent his tears from rolling down his face. "I wasn't sure at the time I was gay. I'm still not sure, but I think I am."
They both cried, not looking at each other.
"Please don't hate me, Martin. Please."
"I don't."
"Then why? Why did you drag this out of me, I would have told you when I was ready."
"I needed to know."
"Why!" James was exasperated.
"Because Phil is my boyfriend."
Holding his breath for a second, James looked over at Martin, whose eyes were still downcast.
"Oh god, I'm sorry." James said.
"What the fuck have you got to be sorry about?" Martin was angry.
"Nothing."
"We were getting on so well, then I found out he did the film with you. I knew something had gone off but he never told. All the time we spent together, he never told me. I wish he told me." Martin was almost speaking only to himself.
James came over to comfort him; he sat next to him and put an arm round him. It had all happened so long ago and couldn't really understand why he was so upset. When he asked Martin why, he couldn't answer either. Their relationship was still young and they had so much to find out about each other that he was sure he would have told him eventually. As James rationalised the situation for him, he slowly began to realise that it didn't really matter. It was in Phil's past and was before they had met. But Martin wondered if he could trust Phil. He'd been playing around with his brother when he was only sixteen or seventeen and in the back of Martin's mind he wondered how many others there had been. Was that why he was so tactile with him, did he only want Martin for sex.
"You're being ludicrous." James challenged him. He felt sure it was Phil's first experience and only happened as they both felt free and away from their families. James wasn't sure but he wanted to make Martin feel better.
"Talk to him, let him know how you're feeling. Since you've met him you've been so much happier. Talk to him, get his side and let him explain. Then it'll make better sense. You can trust him, I just know you can."
Martin turned to James and flung his arms around him, they hugged tightly, their tears dripping down each other's back.
"You're right." Martin sniffed. "I'll talk to him. Tomorrow."
They held each other for some time, it made both of them feel better. James felt lighter, having relieved himself of the burden of telling Martin he thought he might be gay and was pleased that Martin had at last found some happiness and so desperately wanted him to keep hold of that happiness. James almost chuckled to himself as the absurdity of the two brothers coming out to each had been turned into a soap opera, but was pleased everything was now in the open.
Still hugging James, Martin thought back at his past conversations with Phil. He had mentioned one boyfriend but not anymore, he never really mentioned sex either. It was only Martin's fragile emotions which thought Phil could have laid himself open to Martin in their short time.
"I think I'm falling in love with him."
James squeezed Martin tighter. "You deserve it. He's a lovely bloke."
"I just hope he understands, let's me explain. I just ran out on him. He must think I'm awful, that I don't care about him or I'm ashamed of him." Martin's tears streamed again.
"He'll understand, just be honest. He'll love you even more for it."
James released Martin. "Let him know you're alright, if you ran away he will be worried sick."
Martin fumbled with his mobile phone and wrote Phil a text. "I'm ok, sorry about earlier, will talk to you tomorrow. Please let me explain."
After sending the text message, he put his mobile on his beside table and collapsed on his bed, exhausted. A short time later his mobile buzzed. Martin picked it up and read the reply. "Glad ur ok, I was worried. U can talk 2 me anytime."
Clutching the phone like he used to cuddle his teddy when he was younger for comfort, he turned on his side and closed his eyes.
James went to the bathroom to wash his face. Looking in the mirror he was shocked to see his eyes so red and puffy. He bathed them in cool water and dabbed his face with a towel. 'There', he thought, 'I look quite normal again'.
Everyone downstairs were oblivious to the saga that had unfurled upstairs, James got himself a drink and went into the front room. As nonchalantly as he could, he said that Martin was alright and was just a bit tired after a long day. Excusing himself, he said he was going to get an early night and went back upstairs to see Martin.
In their bedroom, James found Martin in bed; he had undressed and was now under his duvet. He faced the wall and so could not see his face. Martin was no longer as upset and had surrendered to his exhaustion. He was asleep within minutes of getting beneath his quilt.
James quietly undressed, turned off the light and went to bed.
James' Diary
Today has been a fantastic day with Tom. I feel really great. We got talking, properly this time, not just the usual bullshit when two mates get together. We had a proper talk, I still can't believe it. We talked about girlfriends and I confessed that I'd not had one yet. Then he said he hadn't either. But he went further saying that he wasn't interested in girls that way; he liked them as friends but not 'that way'. At first I didn't press him further and just left it. We were both in his bedroom and his parents were downstairs, pottering around, so I didn't want it to turn into one big scene and embarrass both of us. Anyway, later, after I'd plucked up the courage, I asked him what he meant. He just said that they didn't turn him on. He would have left it there but my guts were aching and I wanted to know more. I also said that girls don't turn me on and then I asked him what does. I could tell he was thinking about it, deciding what to tell me. Then he just came out with it. He said "You." I nearly fainted but noticed he was now looking at me funny. It must have been the look on my face. He looked afraid and I felt sorry for him, he shouldn't be afraid. So I just went over to him and kissed him on the lips. Then it was his turn to nearly faint. We only ever had that one kiss. I told him how I felt, how I liked him, more than a friend but I still think he was scared. Not of me this time, but of himself. Now he had said what he wanted to me, he couldn't take it back and could no longer deny it to himself. After we both basically said we fancied each other we talked for hours about where to go from there. I didn't want to cajole him so I left it to him. For the moment he wanted to leave things as they were and stay very good friends. I think he knew that I wanted to take things to the next step. Not full on snogging and shagging (which I think he thought was the only next step there was, but I did mention alternatives, such as steady dating), but just try a few dates and the occasional kiss. Anyway, it's up to him now, but I hope he decides to go further, if he doesn't he may regret it later.
I've just been disturbed by Mum, she worried that Martin's not back yet. I've rang him and he'll be home soon. But he does sound a bit odd. Hope he's really alright.
*Saturday Addition
I did not get a good night's sleep last night. Martin came home angry with me. Anxious about the little escapade I had with Phil during filming the sex ed video. The night's events have still left me feeling a little raw and I don't feel like going into them again this morning. The upshot was that I confessed I might be gay and he said that Phil was his boyfriend. I had not seen Phil since the filming over two years ago, but to Martin it must have felt like it happened last week.
Martin is still in bed, I can see him now, sleeping peacefully. He's got a hard day in front of him, talking to Phil; I don't envy him. I just hope they can work it out.
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