As They Say
by D K Daniels
Entry 32
Old-Phobie - Another term to describe the older generation of people. Possibly 50+ years.
Trap: It is another word for someone's mouth.
What Friends Are For?
4th July 1991
Yesterday happened to be pretty good. Even though today was semi-all right, I can't help but wonder whatever that meant yesterday. Why did Ross lock me in the stable, and more importantly why did he ask me such a question? Including... well, the part when he licked my hand. Of course, l was like a babbling idiot; I confessed everything out into the open. I have nothing to hide behind now; therefore Ross 100% knows how I feel. You know what, it sensation and vibe from letting him know are goddamn good too. To make the experience even better today; Ross and I snuck back to his grandparents shed and made out for an entire 15 minutes inside. I have no idea why it was so... So incredible except damn. I aspire to kiss him again. Only the next time I want to perform it longer, it's like he's addictive or something. While the two of us made out, I held his hand. I exhibited an electric sensation. It's hard, to sum up in words, other than I wish to do it over. Everything about the moment was hot and intoxicating.
After I got home: mam and dad dragged me clothes shopping for an upcoming party for an Old-Phobie: they know in town. I don't understand how and why I have to participate in this occasion. I suppose I have to turn up because of my parents reluctantly. It's not for about another two weeks, I think. Although I'd had rather spent my money on something fun. Alternately, I'm being forced to pay out some of my allowances. Well, cash from my mam nevertheless; which she would've given to me. Though spending it for some old person's birthday party... meh.
I didn't meet up with the gang today. I deemed that the vibe would be overkill or a genocide waiting to happen. You know how that stale presence lingers in the air after a fight and everyone is too stubborn to apologise or make up. Yeah well, that atmosphere; I didn't feel like having to explain myself to Eli over what happened with his sister, and I sure as well didn't respond to the concept of telling Thomas to sit through an entire arrangement that is awkward. I can't help but comprehend how this is all my fault. I mean if I were normal in the first place, I wouldn't have all these fucking obstacles coming in my direction. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt, Thomas. I hope that he doesn't hold it upon me; then again, I'm sorry I'm not fucking perfect as to warrant an apology for Eli. I said sorry to Emma, not Eli. He was going to start a fight with me. What was I supposed to do? Let him boss me around, push me about until finally, someone has had enough of the shoving and a loose swing of the arm clocks either one of us in the face. Who would be brazen enough first draw blood? I can't imagine that I'd purposely punch Eli or anyone for that matter.
Given the circumstances and being truthful here I think, in all honesty, I would have been the first one to throw a swing in his direction, and something about that doesn't sit comfortably with me. I don't inevitably arise every morning and say hey… you know what I'm going to turn to a life of aggression. All stupid, annoying' piss-ant people who come in my direction gets a slug to the trap.
Sigh… I have no idea why I'm talking like this. It is sooo… sooo… I don't know what the word is, only it doesn't sound like me sigh… I feel a tightness in my chest; it appears like that same anxiety in your chest when you are panicking if a clump of bread becomes lodged in your throat. I understand it's a weird way to describe; though truthfully that how I feel.
I wish for once I wouldn't have to make these odd feelings stay hidden. It would in my mind make things more manageable, right. Though of what I have learned it only substitutes to make matters worse for a person similar to me. I'm not sure if I'm gay; there is no manual for navigating this part of my life, and I'm sure as hell ain't tellin' my folks. The level of this material could scar me, and it that would leave a hell of third-degree burn if something like this came to the surface. At least I'd imagine it to be. That's why I refrain from asking for help; even though I could use it… maybe. I'm not sure.
Though having a conversation of this magnitude with my parents is a whole cause for concern. What if… what if they want me to do the usual things in life. Get married and have sex with a girl and make them grandchildren. How can I be happy if they want grandkids and all I can offer them is a retarded excuse… that I'm gay. As if that adds anything to the equation to help my cause; When all it does is drive me up the wall with the pressure of not knowing what is to become of me in the future.
Blah… I've had enough of talking… night.
5th July 1991
Ugh… today has been driving me crazy; no matter how hard I resemble to be trying, I cannot for the life of me sit still. It's not because I've suddenly brewed up an endless supply for giddiness that needs to be burned off' which accounts for this level of surprising energy. It's not good karma; it oppressive and irritating. Consequently, I'm giving it the conclusion that it is negative in some form or another. I feel all alone; not because everyone is not hanging out with me because that is pretty much fine too… they can keep their distance. I'm not bothered how they decided to turn their back on me; only it seems odd. Anytime I ever had a problem I always run to Eli or Carl and tell them everything that is on my mind. Not that Carl and I are having problems, but it still debates the fact about Eli and me. I want the problem to go away magically, so I don't have to get headaches over it. It handles like my brain is throbbing, and it's not because I have a headache it from pressure or at least it's what it appears like.
Sure, there is the situation going on with Eli which anyhow now feels my fault entirely. Well, at least to me it is. I didn't mean to be that offensive, or if I was rude. I miss my friends. It feels so weird because Thomas is… well, Thomas is probably odd now since I last saw him, and Eli is pissed at me. What next… Carl gets in his huff and Ross says he doesn't like me anymore.
Man can you imagine that; the thoughtfulness of such a plan would be karmas ugly cousin coming back to haunt me for being so… I don't understand why I was one-sided with Thomas when I didn't mean to be. Thomas has always been a kind person but come on; Ross is …. well a dream. If this is a fantasy, I hope I don't wake up because Ross would be gone and perhaps the situation with Thomas will be non-existent. If that did happen to me; yes admitting that he doesn't like me anymore then I would literally cry and never come out of a severely laired cocoon I'd build.
Anyway, so I thought since I didn't have anyone else to talk to I hung out with Carl for a short time this morning before meeting up with Ross; to which I'll get to in a minute. Though first I want to talk about what Carl did because I feel even shitter. Carl didn't fight with me or anything though he confronted me about the fight I had with Eli and the harsh words I said to Emma. Though looking back, I'm unsure what is firm and what is not anymore. Isn't direct better than beating around the bush. Look at all the problems it has given me. I tried being nice to Thomas, and Emma at the start but look what happened. I hurt both of them because I was not honest. Either that or I'm unsure of what I wanted from them; I could have been open about what was going on from the start; that way if things did arise between us we'd have an easier time talking about it. Though of course, Adam is to pussy to tell anyone what is on his mind; I assume it's easier to let things fall through the cracks because there is no supposed hassle; in the long run, however… not so much.
Anyway; Carl and I decided to hang out for a little bit before I met up with Ross. I went over, and Carl was more in-depth with what his father had tasked him to do. I assumed that he didn't want to have anything to do with me today. I have no idea why my mind jumped to that conclusion yet it seemed like an alternative idea when the assumption rolled around. Though as the minutes went by and my time became further strained by the interaction with Carl in the first place; we concluded that I was somehow selfish for telling off Emma like that.
Carl was using a hoist to lift hay bales to the loft inside his barn, and I thought that helping him would be a good idea to break the awkwardness of standing around doing nothing. At least I believed it would; instead while Carl wrapped the ropes and so forth to the hay so that he could hoist the bales upward on a forklift. Before the machine would take over and pull the grass up onto the lip of the loft afterwards; I tried lightly touching on the subject of Eli, just to see if he was still mad at me or not. Apparently, Eli is quite clear on where he stands on the matter. A simple apology won't change his mind about me inherently hurting his sister. I'm glad in a sense that Eli didn't declare me a nemesis suddenly. I don't think I'd stand a chance against Eli. Not only does he fight dirty when he needs to but he does kick-boxing, so fighting is an inheritable gene in his family.
I'm like: "Is Eli still mad at me for what I said to Emma."
Carl at the time was up in the loft; he was busy pulling a hay bale manually up on to the lip because the machine wasn't doing all the work. A minute passed before he took a gasp of breath and replied to my question, he said, "I think so why?"
I sighed, unsure of how to broach the question correctly and asked, "just wondering is all." I felt out of place in my own best friend's barn, and all I could do was glance down at the ground from uncomfort.
Carl continued his set out goal to move all the hay his father had laid out for him today. Only when he started on the next batch, he disappeared out of sight and from the shadows he called back. "Perhaps you should apologise Adam; what you said seemed really harsh man… Do you think Emma deserved that?"
Taking a moment to contemplate, I glanced back up at the spot I was expecting him to appear. When his head emerged vaguely drowned out by the darkened corners of the barn, only to be made present by the trails of sun-beams flooding in from unobstructed crevices. I felt a tingle of anxiety flutter up my chest; as quick as it arrived there, it turned to frustration: then a tang of bitter pique. I have never experienced such a defiant moment. All of a sudden, I wanted to take on Carl for getting on my case about Emma. I guess you could say I could have handled the moment better. It was in no way extraordinaire; however, it was saddening to know that Carl was siding with them and not me. If only they had a real idea of what is going on with me, nobody has a real ink-link.
Instead, I glued my attention to Carl on the second story and said bitterly now that I recall the moment, "why should I say sorry… I did nothing wrong! All I was doing was trying to get rid of a fucking annoying girl who won't leave me alone. She can't take a hint; I'm not interested. And now Eli is all butt-hurt because I let his sister down abruptly. Though frankly, I'm fed up with all the irritating interactions between her and me."
In between all that rambling, I had somehow managed to quick start a fuelled speech that if it was wholly given, I could have possibly outed myself. Perhaps I did, though I hope I didn't because that is an awkward notion to comprehend Carl knowing.
I took a quick draw of breath and carried on, "and don't get me started with Thomas… he's been following me around like a goddamn lost puppy, and all I want to do is to be left alone… I have no idea why he suddenly wants to hang out more… it's almost as if he wants to get Ross out of the way so that he can be my…." Then I caught on that I had possibly releveled to much of myself and the situation with Thomas. I was going to say, "my boyfriend." Thankfully my mouth shut up then a there. I didn't let that cat out of the bag in a blunder.
All could do after my little rant was stand there and Carl gawked back down at me from the loft. It was one of those looks as if he were secretly saying "dude you've lost it. No wonder nobody wants to be around you." You know what? I think it is relatively accurate; since Ross has come, I guess I've become shitter in attitude to the people around me. Carl; just pressed for the machine to stop and then the entire barn fell quiet.
Carl peered down at me from his perched position and said, "man you've changed. Why are you acting like a dick? You need to apologise to her; even if you are not into her… say sorry. If you're not willing to step down from your fucking high-horse or wherever you are on... then I don't want to have you around."
I couldn't believe what Carl had said. I was never asked to leave before, and here I was not welcome due to some stupid girl. I asked, "You want me to leave?" And do you know what Carl did? He just hit the switch for the noisy pulley thing, and the sound deafened the both of us? Carl resumed the same process he had been doing shortly before, and he acted as if I wasn't even there. I got the message loud and clear Carl. You think I'm an asshole and unless I'm willing to say sorry for something I'm not then I somehow lost all my friends practically overnight.
Yeah… well… anyway who needs their shit. Night - Adam.
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